Monthly Archives: April 2013

“terrible” truths…

I have a secret (many actually, but this is about one in particular).  I am fundamentally and intrinsically flawed.  I crave things that will ultimately bring about my downfall… I do not feel “right” and in balance when I’m not inflicting violence upon myself… I struggle with this daily.  I try to smile and put on a happy face, but really, inside I just feel like a whole lot of crap.  People try to challenge my beliefs, but I just can’t see what they see.  They try so hard… and they must be banging their heads behind closed doors or when my back is turned, because I just can’t accept what they say.

I wish I could erase my existence from the memory of the planet… people would be so much happier and better off… I could quietly fade into nothingness… I just want to hide  from everyone and everything (as D so eloquently reminded me: this too is a coping mechanism). I never remember the better times, even if I write  them down and read them over and over… there is no connection to it.  The same happens when I feel better and I try to get in touch with the crap so that I can work on it and be prepared for it if/when it shows again…

I miss being able to disappear.  I miss the times that my being made no ripple on the surface of the water… I’m so tired of fighting.  I’m tired of begging for help.  I’m tired of failing…

Is it a bad sign when you can’t connect to your past?  When your inner child is someone different (because you can’t reconcile everything actually having happened to you…  you have no childhood to speak of…  and because it’s easier to have compassion for someone else than it is for yourself), and you have no real connection to her as being part of you, but more like a child you were charged with caring for… she runs and hides at times, but other times she is the push behind me reaching out… I think she takes over when I fully dissociate, and she gets help as best she can… people have told me I act “small” when I’m like that.  I don’t know if it’s a defense mechanism in terms of someone being less likely to hurt a child, or she just takes over and takes on the role of protector because I’m gone… She’s not me, because I don’t deserve help and caring, but she does… and she feels worthy of it, so she reaches out… I can feel her closer when I reach out, she is the protection mechanism… and I just hide… I let her do it, even though she is just a child and shouldn’t have that responsibility… but I just go with the instinct of hiding…

I wish we had group tomorrow, but they have a benefit/publicity event to attend, so we won’t have it… as much as I am uncomfortable there, I’m also comfortable there and find some insight in going.  It’s helpful when D can bring things together from group to individual… it underscores them, and helps me remember… but as I said elsewhere, connecting the dots doesn’t make it any easier… knowing my triggers and weaknesses and motivations doesn’t seem to make the struggle easier to win…

Is there a way to make those terrible truths you believe about yourself more culturally acceptable ones?  Is there a light at the end of all this?  Does it ever get better for long?  Or does the hopelessness always win in the end?  I’m feeling SO broken and SO hopeless…  I wish I could successfully push everyone away so I could just implode… things would be so much easier that way.

coincidences or the universe is really listening…

My wife and I went to a drop-in women’s group yesterday.  The topics were varied, but mostly revolved around moving on, making changes, and returning to what we love (all of us connected on the topic of art and lost creativity).  We all commiserated on feeling lost without creative spirit… We complained that none of us had done anything in any art arena for way too long.  The facilitator decided that our homework would be to work on a piece of judgement-free art (we all complained about not engaging in it because we were perfectionists who did not want to fail at re-creating the pictures in our head).   The facilitator made us agree to work on something – ONE thing – that we will not criticize…

One the way home, we heard 2 songs that fit the themes of the group, and came in quick succession as soon as we got in the car.  The first was Pink’s Perfect.  The second was Fun’s song Carry On… either the universe was listening in on our group and wanted to reinforce the message with my wife and I, or there was a ridiculous coincidence that they played those two songs (which perfectly matched the themes of our group) as we hit the car.  I know they are relatively popular songs, but both were a bit older, and the likelihood of them being played right then were small… So I say the universe wanted us to remember those messages.

I will post a pic of my very uncharacteristic piece of art once I finish it up… working hard on the non-judgmental piece.

yeah, it fits.

So, my ex told me about this song; she said it reminded her of me… sad, but true… she had the “luck” of finding me after my first suicide attempt… I’m sure it was outrageously traumatic for her, and I feel bad about it.  She struggled with me and my depression for quite a while, but it was just too much…  I’m sure my wife could also relate to this, as she had the “honor” of struggling with me through a very tumultuous 2 years where I fought hard to be able to end my life… she found me on more than one occasion in a terribly dangerous situation… I’m grateful to both of these women for fighting when I was giving up, I just wish that neither had ever had to go through it… I cannot change the past, but I have control over the future.  I can work to prevent anyone else from ever having to go through that with me again.  To both of you, I can’t ever tell you how much I regret putting you through that…

…but I like Pink, and I like this song too.

The Great Escape

I can understand how when the edges are rough
And they cut you like the tiniest slithers of glass
And you feel too much
And you don’t know how long you’re gonna last,

But everyone you know, is tryin’ smooth it over,
Find a way to make the hurt go away,
But everyone you know, is tryin’ smooth it over,
Like you’re trying to scream underwater,
But, I won’t let you make the great escape,
I’m never gonna watch you checkin out of this place
I’m not gonna lose you
Cause the passion and the pain
Are gonna keep you alive someday
Gonna keep you alive someday

I feel like I could wave my fist in front of your face
And you wouldn’t flinch or even feel a thing
And you’ve retreated to your silent corner
Like you decided the fight was over for ya,

Everyone you know, is tryin’ smooth it over,
Find a way to make the hurt go away,
Everyone you know, is tryin’ smooth it over,
Everyone needs a floor they can fall through
I won’t let you make the great escape,
I’m never gonna watch you checkin outta this place
I’m not gonna lose you
Cause the passion and pain
Are gonna keep you alive someday
They’re gonna keep you alive someday

I’m terrified of the dark, but not if you go with me
And I don’t need a pill to make me numb
And I wrote the book on runnin’,
But that chapter of my life will soon be done

I’m the king of the great escape
You’re not gonna watch me checkin outta this place
You’re not gonna lose me
Cause the passion and pain
Are gonna keep us alive, someday
Yeah the passion and the pain
Are gonna keep us alive someday, someday

hi there

(from mid-March)

so, I was crashing, then I got sick, and it all went away… dunno how to explain it other than a forced re-set… now things are ok. I made strawberry pie from a bunch of free berries… the pies were yummy! I’m volunteering… went on a few job interviews… dunno if anything will come of them, there is some steep competition (thought the woman I would be taking over for seems to think highly of me and keeps putting my name into the mix when they talk of who to hire… it would only 8 hours a week until the summer, then it would be full time during camp, then it would be 8 hours a week again… no benefits. little pay, but better than nothing. and I would be working with animals at least part of the time. The more things get stagnant on the job front, the more I get pushed to pursue my dreams… I think I need to look more into that again… it just will take a lot of work, and I won’t really be able to do anything until we move back up north… i dunno…

i also started a dbt group… not at all what I expected. in a good way though. i have always hated dbt… it always triggered me to no end. this one seems different though. i hope it keeps up. only problem is, next meeting is at the same time we will be going to a concert (bought the tix before i knew about the group)… i can miss one more group tho, so it should be ok.

and now the wife has put on Once Upon A Time, so I must watch…

little foggy steps…

I’m not 100% sure why I have not slipped back into depression again yet, but I have managed to hold it off. I am running like crazy (figuratively). I keep myself occupied from the moment I wake to the moment my brain gives in to sleep… I am moody (I get cranky easily), but my depression has remained at bay. I’m excited about that. I am also being relatively productive. I re-arranged my reptile room and started a few projects for them. I managed to sell one fo my geckos that just never turned into a breeder because I could not find the right female to go with him. He will be missed, but I am sure he is going to a good home where he will have some fun with the ladies and produce some nice offspring.

I have been doing ok with only one individual session a week, however I have padded it out with a few groups (both therapeutic and social/support). I’m also trying to keep my wife from falling too far into her depression… she is having a really rough time right now, and I want to make sure I can be there for her.

I have found a few new facets to my personality this past week – I am able to stand up for myself and others in a fairly productive way… I just have to reign in the guilt and shame afterwards for potentially hurting anyone’s feelings. I rejected 2 requests for friendship from people that came off as “wrong” for me. I know it would be a very one-sided relationship, and I know I don’t want that… it was small-risk situations, ones where I am not forced to ever see the people again, so it was a bit easier to voice my concerns and make a solid decision. I still feel really guilty about coming off as a jerk, but I would rather reject them now than wait to slowly ignore them when I reach my limit of frustration with their lack of respect for others. Everyone says they think I did good, but I still struggle with coming off as a jerk, and not really feeling like it is in my personality to do something like that… Hopefully it works out ok for me… Does anyone else have trouble with things like that? Friendship offers used to come few and far between, so I would accept anything, but I am feeling more secure in myself now, and able to select the people I want to hang out with… and I hope my karma keeps on the good side of things.

Now, off to plan our 2 upcoming vacations. I have to book the dogs for vaccines, grooming, and boarding, and I have to book our flights and hotels for the respective vacations. Wish me luck!