wishing therapy was tomorrow and not Tuesday… it feels so far away, though I am not sure what I hope to get out of it. Mental quiet? or a place to tie up the loose ends left unfurled from Friday? maybe put things back into their neat little boxes in the back of my emotional closet? Or maybe it’s all of the above, as well as a validation again that shit will fall apart before it gets better.
Maybe it’s that I want to make my pictures come true, but that would be a poor choice, so I need to tell someone about it. Maybe it’s that I need to find someone who is not wrapped up in all that is daily life. Maybe I just need a safe place to rest while I catch my breath from all this running to escape my head. Her office is a quiet place. As hectic as emotions can get in there, it still feels safe to go there in that room. It’s dim and comfortable and safe… It reminds SJ of her closet. Or maybe that’s just how we see a safe place: dark and quiet and soft. She was summoned a week ago, and I think she now feels safe enough to come out, but only there. She’s so fucking sad. And the other is desperate. And it feels all separate, but all together at one time. The compartments only meld sometimes. The wall cracks, or the screens are down, or the ice melts, or whatever you want to call it, but it only happens sometimes. I don’t want to be trapped back there, but it’s nice to have some congruence between the conscious and unconscious. There really is a lot that goes on behind the scenes all the time, but I only ever know the details when I’m let in… kinda like peeking behind a heavy curtain – you could hear the muffled conversations before, but now you see the whole stage and know what’s really happening.
Why is it that music has to reflect the inside? It enhances the experience; brings a beginning, middle, and end. It allows the walls to disappear for a while. Everything has its own soundtrack though it can change over time and slight shifts in mood. Why is it that music depicting situations reminiscent of the past bring comfort, even when it’s not necessarily a comforting song? What is it about the music and lyrical combinations that lull the panic? Why does a song about abuse, or self harm, or suicide, or rape bring such relief to the chaos? The only thing I can think of is the definite course of the song – there’s no threat of being lost in it forever because the song always comes to an end; there’s always an out. Real life is not like that. Real emotions are not like that. They float and coalesce around you. They take over and drown you. Music gives it all an end. But that doesn’t explain why those types of songs are comforting. I get that they keep things from lasting, but why go with enhancing the emotions in the first place? Is it relating to the music?
Did I ever mention that, while growing up, I always imagined myself with an abusive military husband? I don’t know where the image came from, it was just always there. I would fantasize about having the crap beaten out of me by my husband. He was always in uniform, and we were always on some military base. I always just took the beatings, sick fantasies. Fantasies are supposed to be positive. Mine never were, just a bunch of daydreaming about abuse (I used to call them “daymares”). No one ever helped in the fantasies. It was just what I deserved in them. Maybe being military gave my brain more of an excuse to have him be so abusive? And it was always a fantasy of being married to a man, though I never felt love for whomever he was… I think even then I knew I was gay, just didn’t really acknowledge that to myself (the times I can remember playing house as a kid, there was never a husband, just “friends” living together and the husbands were always gone away or simply non-existent – dependent on the other girl’s preferences).
I have other “daymares” these days… they suck equally badly, though differently. Again, no real relief in a timely manner (if at all). I don’t consciously fall into them these days, but they come up if my mind wanders. They are not flashbacks, because none of them have actually happened, but more like very vivid daydreams. Flashbacks happen too, but they are more emotional these last few months (they have tamed themselves in visual and auditory content, but not at all on the emotional front). Wait. (in Gru’s voice) Liiiight-bulb! THAT’s what went on today! I thought it was all out of no-where, but I’m pretty sure it all connects to the past in a huge way. When I explained it to L earlier, I told her it was just all the stuff piling up. It really was. Gotta love finding explanations for seemingly trigger-less things. I just have to figure out what the triggers to it were (most likely the mounting feelings of inadequacy, frustration, depression, and resentments). The image of huge iron bars on all the windows and doors had come up earlier in the week, and intensified after therapy on Friday. Maybe knowing that will dampen the effects for the rest of the night. And maybe it will help quell the self-harm urges (the desire to see blood is insanely intense today… lots of it. The desire to have it almost all drain out is very prevalent, but not acting on any of it). The desire to be high is also really strong. I wish I had access to hallucinogenic herbs, or at least quality pot… I miss the feeling it gave. I miss the floating and detachment and happiness (it felt so genuine and un-tethered to the depression). They wonder why so many mental health issues run comorbid with substance use/abuse… that stuff works better than any meds they provide (and some have fewer side effects).
Fuck, all the emotions and urges are a huge jumble again. I had hoped my realization that it is all an emotional flashback would help lessen the blow. It did for about 5 minutes. Everything’s back now. I wish I had called out of volunteering for tomorrow. I’m not sure I will be in the head-space to be useful. Generally, when the walls crumble and the awareness blends, I become wholly useless.
Anyway, speaking of volunteering, I should try to sleep so I can pretend to be useful tomorrow… and maybe it will make the day go faster so I can get to my appointment on Tuesday already. I was going to just show her this entry, but I’m not totally sure I want to do that now… We will see.