Monthly Archives: September 2013

little shards of triggers scattered about the “maybe” garden, watch your step… **tiggers**

wishing therapy was tomorrow and not Tuesday… it feels so far away, though I am not sure what I hope to get out of it.  Mental quiet? or a place to tie up the loose ends left unfurled from Friday? maybe put things back into their neat little boxes in the back of my emotional closet?  Or maybe it’s all of the above, as well as a validation again that shit will fall apart before it gets better.

Maybe it’s that I want to make my pictures come true, but that would be a poor choice, so I need to tell someone about it.  Maybe it’s that I need to find someone who is not wrapped up in all that is daily life.  Maybe I just need a safe place to rest while I catch my breath from all this running to escape my head.  Her office is a quiet place.  As hectic as emotions can get in there, it still feels safe to go there in that room.  It’s dim and comfortable and safe… It reminds SJ of her closet.  Or maybe that’s just how we see a safe place: dark and quiet and soft.  She was summoned a week ago, and I think she now feels safe enough to come out, but only there.  She’s so fucking sad.  And the other is desperate.  And it feels all separate, but all together at one time.  The compartments only meld sometimes.  The wall cracks, or the screens are down, or the ice melts, or whatever you want to call it, but it only happens sometimes.  I don’t want to be trapped back there, but it’s nice to have some congruence between the conscious and unconscious.   There really is a lot that goes on behind the scenes all the time, but I only ever know the details when I’m let in… kinda like peeking behind a heavy curtain – you could hear the muffled conversations before, but now you see the whole stage and know what’s really happening.

Why is it that music has to reflect the inside?  It enhances the experience; brings a beginning, middle, and end.  It allows the walls to disappear for a while.  Everything has its own soundtrack though it can change over time and slight shifts in mood.  Why is it that music depicting situations reminiscent of the past bring comfort, even when it’s not necessarily a comforting song?  What is it about the music and lyrical combinations that lull the panic?  Why does a song about abuse, or self harm, or suicide, or rape bring such relief to the chaos?  The only thing I can think of is the definite course of the song – there’s no threat of being lost in it forever because the song always comes to an end; there’s always an out.  Real life is not like that.  Real emotions are not like that.  They float and coalesce around you.  They take over and drown you. Music gives it all an end.  But that doesn’t explain why those types of songs are comforting.  I get that they keep things from lasting, but why go with enhancing the emotions in the first place?  Is it relating to the music?

Did I ever mention that, while growing up, I always imagined myself with an abusive military husband?  I don’t know where the image came from, it was just always there.  I would fantasize about having the crap beaten out of me by my husband.  He was always in uniform, and we were always on some military base.  I always just took the beatings,  sick fantasies.  Fantasies are supposed to be positive.  Mine never were, just a bunch of daydreaming about abuse (I used to call them “daymares”).  No one ever helped in the fantasies.  It was just what I deserved in them.  Maybe being military gave my brain more of an excuse to have him be so abusive?  And it was always a fantasy of being married to a man, though I never felt love for whomever he was… I think even then I knew I was gay, just didn’t really acknowledge that to myself (the times I can remember playing house as a kid, there was never a husband, just “friends” living together and the husbands were always gone away or simply non-existent – dependent on the other girl’s preferences).

I have other “daymares” these days… they suck equally badly, though differently. Again, no real relief in a timely manner (if at all).  I don’t consciously fall into them these days, but they come up if my mind wanders.  They are not flashbacks, because none of them have actually happened, but more like very vivid daydreams.  Flashbacks happen too, but they are more emotional these last few months (they have tamed themselves in visual and auditory content, but not at all on the emotional front). Wait.  (in Gru’s voice) Liiiight-bulb!  THAT’s what went on today!  I thought it was all out of no-where, but I’m pretty sure it all connects to the past in a huge way.  When I explained it to L earlier, I told her it was just all the stuff piling up. It really was.  Gotta love finding explanations for seemingly trigger-less things.  I just have to figure out what the triggers to it were (most likely the mounting feelings of inadequacy, frustration, depression, and resentments).  The image of huge iron bars on all the windows and doors had come up earlier in the week, and intensified after therapy on Friday.  Maybe knowing that will dampen the effects for the rest of the night.  And maybe it will help quell the self-harm urges (the desire to see blood is insanely intense today… lots of it.  The desire  to have it almost all drain out is very prevalent, but not acting on any of it).  The desire to be high is also really strong.  I wish I had access to hallucinogenic herbs, or at least quality pot… I miss the feeling it gave.  I miss the floating and detachment and happiness (it felt so genuine and un-tethered to the depression).  They wonder why so many mental health issues run comorbid with substance use/abuse… that stuff works better than any meds they provide (and some have fewer side effects).

Fuck, all the emotions and urges are a huge jumble again.  I had hoped my realization that it is all an emotional flashback would help lessen the blow.  It did for about 5 minutes.  Everything’s back now.  I wish I had called out of volunteering for tomorrow.  I’m not sure I will be in the head-space to be useful.  Generally, when the walls crumble and the awareness blends, I become wholly useless.

Anyway, speaking of volunteering, I should try to sleep so I can pretend to be useful tomorrow… and maybe it will make the day go faster so I can get to my appointment on Tuesday already.  I was going to just show her this entry, but I’m not totally sure I want to do that now… We will see.


Depression sucks

Like you needed me to tell you that…
But anyway, today was a mess.  I got angry over stupid things that had not a lot to do with the moment.  I lashed out.  I wanted to cry (still do). There’s nothing that helps these crazy mood swings.  I hate them.

I’m frustrated with commitments and responsibilities (home and outside). I don’t want to do anything; I’d much rather hole myself up and hide away from the world.  Even as I write this, tears threaten to erupt from my eyes. There’s no reason for them; I just feel like crying.  I really hate crying.  Stray tears escape here and there, but actual, real crying sucks. I can’t breathe when my sinuses get so congested. And I can rarely really cry in front of another human being. Crying in front of others brings shame and fear and drama. No reason for crying is ever accepted as valid.  Tears are never welcome (and Skeletor will kill you).  Problems are never big enough to wear you down, because others have lived with them for years, and they have not broken like you have.  Nothing should ever be too much or overwhelming. Nothing should ever bring about tears or frustration.  It’s an awesome [sarcasm sign] double standard that you have always lived with.  You know it well.

There’s never an excuse for being weak or showing any signs of weakness (crying, depression, anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness).  You are certainly never allowed to take anything personally (translate that to being hurt by hurtful words, actions,  and sentiments). Anorexia and disordered eating are not allowed, but highly idealized.  Other negative coping skills are equally forbidden (though less idealized).  Heaven forbid you suggest something to another that has been dictated upon you by that other.  Never ask for anything that takes work (or attention, or effort, or thought) that is not already being expended.  Never suggest anything that may put another out, but be prepared to have to work like hell to keep others happy.  Remember: you are worth/worthy of nothing; they are worth/worthy of everything. You know nothing (forget that you have the education) but others know everything (again, note appropriate – or lack-there-of – education)…
Funny how loud and present these distorted lessons can be when everything internally is shot to shit.  Gotta love disordered f.o.o…


resentments

i’m starting to resent my volunteer job. As much as I love it while I’m there, the thought of going there brings up anxiety and frustration. I don’t want to have to be “on” or together or anything resembling human and social. I’m beginning to resent all of our commitments that involve being social… I don’t know what happened. I like hanging out with the very few friends we have down here, but that’s about it. I don’t want to go back to ASL, I don’t want to have to volunteer anymore, I don’t want to have to make plans. Yes, they are nice to have something to look forward to, but lately they just cause stress.
I feel bad about this though. I know my wife wants to keep doing them, I know I should have outside commitments. I know I shouldn’t let the depression get to me. It’s weird too, because I don’t necessarily feel depressed, but the behaviors point to depression, and the constant desire to cry tells me I’m more on the depressed side of things… Someone mentioned bipolar again to me. I still don’t sit well with this label, but it is fitting the moment in a way. Not so much a mania, but maybe a hypomania followed by extreme depression. I never did understand how there could be a bipolar characterized by only depressive episodes, but maybe that’s what this is? Maybe I’ll ask De’s thoughts on it next week.


today – therapy & the beach

Today’s session with De was interesting. I didn’t quite talk about all of the stuff I wanted to talk about, but we did spend the session on something really important. She helped normalize some of the things I have been stressing over. She also said it was important to “honor where [I’m] at” before trying to get past it. I told her I felt like I had been stuck here forever, but she reminded me that things like that take time to “get over” and there have been a lot of recent triggers that are just that: triggers. They don;t necessarily have to come from some known place, but can be something as simple as a smell or a phrase. This past week, “triggers” had been all around, so it’s understandable that I would be falling back into a more vulnerable space. She also reminded me that what I had been worried about was inherently a vulnerable position, but especially so because of my history. I guess I see that, but I’m still frustrated by it. I wish I could make it all better already. I feel like I need to do this for not only myself, but also the others around me. So what that the house is the same and the room is the same and a lot of the people are the same… I should be habituated by now. We’ve been here for 10 months already, the triggers should not be as “loud” as they are… De reminded me that one huge factor had not been present the whole time (G), and that it changes things. She also wanted me to remember that everyone deals with things on their own time. Others may think I should be “over it” but they are not in my head… I guess she’s right. I just can’t help but feel pressure from them (either created by me or actually there, I’m not quite sure) to be better already.

As I talked about all this stuff with her, I proceeded to peel the color off my coffee mug. She mentioned that it seemed easier for me to talk about emotions if I had some kind of distraction (art, peeling the mug). Yeah. It is. A measure of dissociation is good to help me skim the surface of the emotions without getting lost in them. At least, it’s working most of the time.

We set another appointment for Tuesday. I’m glad she just kinda went with offering it, because I don;t think I would have done too hot waiting for a whole week, but I wasn’t sure I could bring myself to ask for it.

After therapy, I didn’t really want to be home. Some days (especially if they are emotionally charged) it feels like there are huge iron bars on the windows and doors as if it were a jail cell. It has felt this way since I was a child. L was ok with going out again. I had wanted to hit up the Everglades, but she suggested the beach. We came home long enough to use the bathroom, change, eat, and head out. It was nice to be out there. While I hated the beach growing up, I am totally in love with it now. The water and sky is so relaxing. We played around for a few hours. Most of the time was spent in the water. There were small fish near shore and they scared the crap out of me every time they touched my feet. I took to trying to float most of the time, until one fresh little fish decided it would be fun to swim up my shorts. I would have shot straight out of the water if my feet had something to push off of. I ran right to shore cursing the fish the whole time. I think he won the bet with his fishy friends about who dared to swim up the girl’s shorts… ugh! Anyway, I got some nice pics. I really love the beach. I love the water the most. Tomorrow will probably be the Everglades though… Nature is definitely my Zen place.

image


boundaries in therapy, and ASL class 3

I feel like I need to explain myself better, mostly to those in real life.

I think boundaries are really important. I think it’s imperative to maintain a professional relationship with your therapist. I feel this way because I have had times when those boundaries blurred. It was very awkward and weird (tho never yet detrimental to either relationship). When I was studying for my BA, my work study site wanted to give us a chance to see what it was like to be a client. It also needed to guarantee the PhD students a certain amount of experience. I ended up seeing my first therapist there my first year of college. It made for an awkward day when I would pull double-duty as client and as co-worker with my therapist. We would have work-related conversations sandwiching my therapy sessions. It worked out ok in the end, but I think I taxed my therapist quite a bit… It also made therapy awkward if we ever broached a subject on which I had prior knowledge of her feelings. I noticed myself censoring what I would tell her because I knew if she was having a rough day, or she was stressed with something else. I kept certain things unsaid because I knew she felt negatively about it outside of the therapy room (though she never would have given me that impression during a session). I think I missed out on a lot of growth at the time because I was so worried about protecting her or making her comfortable with sessions.
Don’t get me wrong, I would not be here today if my h.s. guidance counselor had not crossed those boundaries with me, but I think it becomes something else as you get older. I think it also takes on a different connotation when there’s unresolved romantic transference within the relationship. An innocuous text can be blown into something it totally isn’t. I know this is my insecurities around L’s intentions based on my past history with infidelity, but it still screams in my head. I’m actually fairly confident that L will not stray and that J will not cross any boundaries. I just don’t know how to tell my head that. I don’t know how to convince my gut to not cringe when L sends J a text that is not strictly about our therapy sessions. I flinch when her first reaction is to tell J about a success immediately when it could stand to wait until our next session. We try to talk about it, but L gets defensive and I get anxious, then defensive myself. It causes a lot of tension. I know we need to talk about it with J, but I don’t know how to bring it up. I am torn between worrying about making L uncomfortable and wanting to get things addressed. It goes back to boundaries… or maybe my insane need to keep everyone happy. I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. I don’t want to upset anyone, so I don’t want to bring this up in therapy. I don’t like having to ask L not to text J about everything. I don’t want her to be mad or frustrated with me. I don’t want J to impose other boundaries because I think sometimes it’s helpful to be able to tell her things or get info from her during the week.

On another note, I felt so put on the spot in class last night. We had some homework to do in which we had to unscramble some signs. The directions said to EITHER translate then unscramble, OR just unscramble them. I simply unscrambled them, but the teacher did not approve. He wanted us to translate the letters then unscramble. I happened to be the first person he called-out on “doing it wrong” (though half the class did it like L and I did). It hit me so hard that I wanted to leave the class and never return… definitely some stuff I need to address with De.  I think part of the of it came from my history with my father, for whom anything wrong on homework or a test was unacceptable.  It meant hours and hours of studying to make up for the error in learning (or reading as was often the case with me… I tend to skim directions, or not read them at all if I think I know what I’m doing). Anyway, it stirred a lot of crap inside me. It took everything in me not to cry and run out of class.

Well, it has taken me the tried to get this far in this entry. I think I’m going to end it because I don’t really know what else I was going to write for it. The gist of things: I have a huge pile of stuff to talk to De about tomorrow morning.


pulling my hair out

Thursday cannot come fast enough. I have absolutely ZERO desire to volunteer tomorrow. I want to stay in bed. I want to talk to De about stuff that came up in session today, but I didn’t figure out till after. I want G gone. He’s frustrating the hell out of me, or at least the idea of him here is frustrating he hell out of me and putting us all on edge (me, mom, L…). The puppy is being a crazy puppy, and that is accentuated by the stress of G’s presence. I just want to scream and rip my hair out like in one of those stupid cartoons. It feels like all the stupid little annoyances I can mostly deal with on a regular day are impossible to stomach this week. I’m glad I see De again on Friday. I really want to talk to her.
Trust is slowly building there. We are learning to communicate and she is figuring out my often cryptic messages.
The urge to shred myself is there again. I think it’s the added stress of G. But I’m doing good at resisting… Thursday feels so far away… and he comes back again mid-October. ugh! I really need to get the hell out of here for that one, My resolve and strength is wearing very thin.


frustrations

some days I realize just how different my parents and I are.

I requested that my mom not let one of her cats outside until I take her to the vet (one of her paws is significantly swollen). Mom’s first concern: she won’t leave that room to use the litter box. Ok, well, the simple solution to that would be to get a litter box into the room she is in. Then G comments “well, she’s an old cat anyway” ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! are you f-ing kidding me? she’s got an injury or infection that can be easily treated. I am willing to make this happen. And she’s not all that old. If it were cancer or heart disease, ok, think twice about spending the money. A simple swollen paw (before it becomes a larger issue) is easy and cheap to take care of. And at 13, she’s not all that old for a cat. So f that. UGH! I miss having my own space far away from the constant battles in ideology and common sense. I miss having my own space.

I took the puppy for his first run with the bike. He was a bit freaked out, and had a better hang of it earlier on then he did towards the end of the ride. Almost home, I clipped his back legs with the tire a few times as he stopped paying attention to where he was running, and ran into the bike. Luckily, I wasn’t going too fast, so he didn’t really get hurt, but just startled. It worked to tire him out tho. I took our little dog along also, and he is exhausted as well. Score one for SJ and the bike idea. I just have to make sure they learn to run along side, and not to suddenly stop or pull in any direction. I wish the other 3 were good candidates for bike runs, because it would tire them out and be good exercise for us all.

I see De again tomorrow. I’m looking forward to the venting session. This visit from G is driving me nuts. The repetitive conversations are grating on me (there’s only so many times I can hear about the stupid court case, or how G was screwed with his pension, or how crooked lawyers are). They literally have the same conversation every time, verbatim! And they don’t seem to notice that they repeat themselves exactly the same way each time. Neither are listening to the other based on their comments, questions, and answers, but both go through the same thing at least 5 times a day. I have moved to wearing my headphones nearly all the time in order to not go mad. I really couldn’t stand watching groundhog day more than once… I hate living it.

I need to make it through to Thursday. It’s just 2.5 days away, but I may just run away before that time comes around. Someone shoot me?

So anyway, yeah. Therapy tomorrow and I really need it…


Monday already?!

I’m not quite sure where that weekend went… well, ok.  That’s a lie; I know exactly where the weekend went, and it was pretty good.  And yet, I feel like bawling my eyes out today.  I feel trapped and rushed and smothered by commitments.  G is down, and it’s also adding to the stress.  We don’t necessarily have much out of the ordinary going on this week, but having no space at home makes everything that much more overwhelming.

I’m an introvert.  I need my space to be able to re-charge.  Since G arrived, I have had none.  He has no personal space boundaries.  He follows me around worse than the dogs do.  It would be flattering and loving if I didn’t see it as such a bother.   When I was 3, petting my head and wanting to touch my shoulder or rub my back was ok (though not all the time), but in my mid-30’s, it’s just intrusive and skeevey.  I don’t much like to be touched in the first place, but add to it that it’s my dad and I really have not yet chosen to let him back into my life, it amplifies my discomfort yet again.  He doesn’t get it.  He thinks I’m just busy, but I really don’t want to see him or spend much time with him.  If I were living on my own, he would not be here (he is not welcome in my & L’s home).  I would not be spending time with him, or visiting with him.  The only reason he is here is because it’s (mostly) my mom’s house.  If it were up to me, we would still have little to no contact.  He rubs me the wrong way.  He triggers anger just by being in the vicinity… and he does not respect my animals (whom I tend to see as my kids).  He yells at them for no reason, and is harsh.  I tell him over and over again not to be like that with them, but he refuses to respect that.  He’s still pissed I choose them over him in a heartbeat any day of the week… They have not traumatized me, but he certainly has.  They win.

Part of me is glad to be volunteering tomorrow.  It means I get to be out of the house.  But another part of me is still really tired.  I don’t want to have to be social yet again.  I made a commitment however, so I need to stick with it.  Tomorrow is also the first day of this year’s school program.  They will be piloting a bunch of new curricula for the different grades.  It should be more in line with what is covered in the students’ standardized testing… None of us have done it live yet, so tomorrow will be a learning experience for all.  I also have to remember to get there on time, as I have to do the animal husbandry before the class starts (usually takes me about an hour and a half, but it will need to be completed in an hour).  No pressure there… ugh!

So anyway, I will be out and forced to be social yet again tomorrow.  And I’m sure G will be ever-so-clingy again when I get home… There’s no rest for the wicked I tell you!

On a sidebar, I may have to put my sleeve on hold for a bit longer, one of the cats has a super-swollen paw.  It doesn’t seem sore (she puts her full weight on it, and she lets me squish at it without complaint), but I would rather be safe than sorry.  If it’s simply a matter of infection that can be taken care of with an antibiotic, I would prefer that to her getting septic from it down the line and either dying or losing the leg.  I know we don’t really have the money to take the cat to the vet, this is something that needs attention, especially because she is mostly an outdoor cat.  It’s hard enough to monitor her. I happened to be lucky enough to snag her inside before a storm, and she hasn’t wanted to leave again these last 2 days (unusual in and of itself, so she must be feeling off).  Anyway, I’m hoping I can get away with it being a simple fix, and her being ok relatively soon.  I definitely cannot afford any major illnesses with any of the critters.  It was bad enough that last night one of the dogs decided to try to eat a cane toad out back.  Luckily, she only got high.  I managed to wash her mouth out fast enough and well enough to keep her from going toxic.  I am pretty sure she was hallucinating at one point though, as she refused to step on the grass (lava or broken glass or blades or something I’m guessing).  She never developed symptoms beyond the excessive drooling (this toxin acts pretty quickly, she would have had a full-blown reaction within 10-15 minutes if it was to happen – according to the vet.  L had not realized that some people licked toads to get high.  She said as much when I mentioned that the dog was likely tripping from the toxins.  Drugs/toxins can cause hallucinations and/or euphoria when ingested in smaller doses.  I don;t recommend licking toads though.  You never know where they’ve been, what you’re ingesting, and how toxic it will actually be… and they must taste awful too!  I’m all for responsible, natural substance use, but licking frogs doesn’t fall under that category for me… eeewww! ok, getting grossed-out by that thought.

On to bigger and better things: I must set my alarm so I can wake in time not only to shower before “work” but also get the dogs all situated for the day. Oh, and I need the car, so I will be taking L to work way before even the ass crack of dawn…

Here’s to hoping Monday (and the week) will go smoothly! Remember: no licking toads!


OT: peep wars

It has come to my attention that not everyone in the world (or even in the US) knows of the joys of peep wars… sad.  So, I must explain.
Those ridiculously unhealthy yet uber-preserved little marshmallow chicks are good for something other than giving you sugar comas 8 months after Easter. 

First, you must unwrap and remove at least 2 peeps from the package (more can be added fun, but I would not recommend exceeding 3 peeps at a time).
Place toothpicks into your peep so that it sticks out directly in front (also to the sides if using more than 2 peeps).
Place peeps facing each other on a microwave-safe plate.  Leave 1″-2″ between them.
Place in microwave for up to a minute. Watch them start to expand. The first peep to pierce the others with its toothpick javelin wins the round.
Stop the microwave and remove plate carefully (it and the peeps will get hot, and marshmallow scalds can be pretty nasty).
Repeat as many times as it keeps your interest, until someone wins, or until a party-pooper walks in and is not amused (often times random people will want to join the fun, especially if this is being done at work… on break of course!). Be prepared for everything to smell like burnt sugar for quite some time.

This is a fun activity that even kids will want in on (please supervise them accordingly, peep-related injuries are difficult to explain with a straight face to emergency room personnel, and they may consider keeping you for observation). I first learned about peep wars a few years ago. We had peep wars around Easter, with the medical director of a mental health clinic I used to work at. Clients kept asking what happened and why the whole building smelled of burnt sugar. I just shrugged and said it must have been someone’s lunch…


art therapy session 2

Well, that didn’t go quite as planned (namely I didn’t really finish the piece I was working on). I did end up showing De the art notebook I had brought to show her the last 3 sessions. She likened it to a journal, and I guess that’s a good way to describe it.

I kinda wish she had asked more about some of the pages, but she didn’t really talk about them beyond asking how recent a few of them were. She also said that she liked it. She doesn’t like to give homework or make things tedious, so she said she wouldn’t say I had to do more in there, but she would like me to continue it. There was one page that caught her attention, but then she figured out if was from February, so she didn’t really ask more about it. I wish she had. It feels very relevant again. I may take it back again on Tuesday.

It was weird. She had complimented me on the contents of the book and on a drawing I had showed her. When I did my usual “thanks, but…” she called me out on it immediately. I don’t remember talking about it before with her, but the way she said it made it sound like we had… Maybe I should ask her about that next time…

I told her a bit about not really being able to even vaguely represent some of the issues I want to put down in the work with anyone else in the room… she suggested going even more metaphorical and symbolic instead of concrete representations. I told her my frustrations with not being able to figure anything out to convey that.

I also told her how the concept of self-injury and my scars has been really embarrassing lately, so much so that I have made an appointment to get a half-sleeve tattoo started on my right arm with the main intent to be covering the scars there.  I’m not sure why I am so self-conscious of it (even with her or J, or even L!).  The panic around hiding the evidence is huge though.  I haven’t SI’d in a while, and I had come to terms with my scars quite a long time ago… Not quite understanding where this sudden insecurity about it comes from. We didn’t get to talk too much about that before time was up. I’m hoping I will be able to figure it out a bit better on Tuesday.

I told her my dad was coming again tomorrow. We planned additional sessions, and she reiterated the concept of having the days planned out so I can escape as needed. I’m not sure what I should be more worried about this time around: M, G, myself, or L… And with the added puppy in the house, things may get crazy…

Oh, I was also able to tell her that I can talk much easier while slightly distracted: either drawing, coloring, painting… It’s easier not having the pressure of all the attention.

At the end of the session, I asked her what to do with the painting. It’s not exactly finished, but I wanted to shred it. She laughed and asked that we at least hang on to it till we can talk about it some. I’m not sure why I wanted to destroy it so fast… Towards the end of the session (before she even mentioned cleaning up) I had wanted to scribble it all out…

Oh, she was also introduced to SJ in concept. I’m sure we will be talking about that at some point too…


blah

i. just. don’t. know.

everything’s boring.

I can’t sit still.

but I don’t want to do anything.

this sucks.


ASL class 2

So, apparently half the class missed half the class content last week. We only practiced about 10 words, when they wanted us to practice about 25.
This week we dove into sentences… I think that’s a bit easier, but only if someone tells you which sign is for which word.
Leaving class, I was suddenly overwhelmed with depression again.  Upon returning home, I’m a total bitch… my head hurts from the content of the class, and my mind is spinning trying to keep up.
I found a hatching gecko earlier today, only he looked mostly dead. He’s the nicest one so far from that pair. I put him separate I’m a little Tupperware because part of me thinks he still has a chance. I hope he pulls his energy and life force together over night and I find a little perky gecko in the morning (Not that far-fetched.  I have heard of people who did not have time to dispose of a hatching right away, and when they went back it was moving and very much alive). I’m hoping he just got really tired from hatching.
The puppy is driving me nuts.  He has so much energy, and he isn’t taking redirection all that well anymore.  We need to put me effort into working with him. He will be insane as an adult if we don’t get him in line now. The only problem is, there no consultancy among us.  I try to get him to sit and wait before eating, my mom lets him attack the food.  I try to have him wait for a command before bolting through a door, my mom makes him go out first without a command.  And we wonder why he is all over the place…
The thought of my dad coming for 6 days on Saturday had me all sorts of off.  I want to cut and run away and scream. I’m not sure if I should be bracing for my dad’s behavior, my mom’s reactions, or L’s reactions (and then there’s my reactions). I’m not looking forward to next week.
The massage lady has still not called me back. I was supposed to reschedule for this post Saturday, but I never heard from her.  I left her a message that day, then again today.  I’m about ready to hit up living social for my money back. If I can’t actually schedule something, is a waste. I had really been looking forward to it last week. Now it’s just an annoyance.  I’m not allowing myself to look forward to it because I have no faith she’ll ever get back to me.  :/
I feel like a fat slob. What do I do, I eat comfort food: Ice cream. Way to go with that diet you were going to work on…
I’m all over the place tonight, so I guess I’ll end here.  Hoping tomorrow goes smoothly, and my anxiety/mood stays in check.


First art therapy session

So, I did my first a.t. session with De today.  I think I may like it.  There will be stuff to talk about after the piece is done. It made time go by way too fast, and I didn’t feel like I said enough, but I was able to say some things I don’t think I would have said to her if “all eyes were on me” so to speak.  I can say things easier when I think someone is not totally focused on me.  It’s less intense and less scary that way. I will have to tell her that.  Then, even if the room is booked, maybe I can sketch or color or something if there’s stuff I need to talk about but can’t… I also have other creative juices flowing, so I will be working on some of that later today. I think I have an idea for the piece I’m doing there, but think I will need more time for this detailed part, so I may do it at home and bring it with me on Friday. Speaking of Friday, I was able to ask for extra support around everything we talked about as well as the increasing depression… so a measure of creative distraction is good.  I refrained from putting an element into the painting today, but maybe the courage will happen next time.
Speaking of a.t. prompts, there was an fb image that I saw.  It asked what you would look like if you looked into a mirror and saw your character instead of just your physical reflection.  I will have to work on that at some point too…

Took a break from writing this, so apologies if it comes out choppy. After walking the dogs and taking to L, I decided to sit and draw some more. Came up with a better version of what I was trying to do with De today. It’s still not finished, but it’s more of what I wanted. Not sure I want to post it just yet. I think I want to talk to her about it. I am slowly remembering how to draw (or maybe just being more lenient with myself, not really sure). I think I need to pick up drawing again on a more regular basis.

De had asked to see some of my older stuff because I had told her I was decent at drawing way back when. I don’t have any of my work down here with me, so I will have to show her the stuff off the web (I have a lot of it online at an art forum site. I’m not posting a link tho because it’s a little less anonymous than here. Also, I’m not ready to connect a lot of that work with here). I think my art had mostly been therapeutic in value, Just never formal art therapy (at least after I honed my skills). I prefer realistic stuff, so much of it was copying images or drawing objects. I used to be half-decent at portraiture. I totally envy people that can do photorealistic work. I wish I had the eye for it. I just haven’t mastered that skill yet. I can pick up on a lot of small details and transform them to paper, but I still miss a lot. I lack a lot of dimension in my work. I also often lack backgrounds (too involved. I’m usually creatively/technically spent by the time I get to the background stage). I also rarely go back to a drawing after putting my pencil down for the day. There’s a weird need to do it all in one sitting. I used to be able to crank out a portrait in 30 minutes, but there were many flaws. Looking back, I should have not tried to finish everything in one season. Also, I’m still learning to be ok with erasing. I think it changes the paper finish, and makes the new sketch texturally different than the rest. I’m noticing that with today’s drawing…

Anyway. Enough about how I used to be good. I just need to practice. Maybe it will help relieve my symptoms.

Something that came out of this drawing, I picture myself much different than I am. My inner self is skinny/fit and pretty. My true self:not so much.

I’m strangely relaxed tonight. Let’s see, what was different? I spoke honestly to De. I talked to L a bit more in depth. We walked the dogs. I’m drawing and listening to music. I’ve given myself permission to find different ways to release stress. And I asked for extra support from De… guess all that added to some relief. My thoughts are still dark, but I’m not so alone with them.

That’s enough chatter from me. Peace. (Pieces). SJ.


float on through

I’m pretty sure that’s a Modest Mouse song title, but I’m too lazy to double check.

Volunteered today. The depression’s thicker and heavier today. Been lost in my music all day. Was on a Plumb kick for a few hours, but too many “god” songs came up, so I hurried her on her way. Now I’ve got Staind pumping into my ears… I miss my Cold CD. I’ll have to buy that again some day. I should make a Cold station on Pandora (love that ap!)… ahh… it’s so easy to make a station on there. I’m really glad I splurged on the year subscription. I love having no ads, and having unlimited listening capabilities. I just wish I could pick the specific songs, or limit what played at any one time… repeat would also be nice… Maybe they will get there soon enough.

I’m all over the place at the moment. Did some crafts earlier, then kinda cleaned off the dining room table (also know as the art station). took over half of one of the cabinets in there, because we have a whole ton of stuff with no place to put it. It was nice to be able to organize a bit (at least something in life can be controlled).

I wanted to take a walk with the dogs earlier tonight because the puppy was out of control. but they all ended up being annoying (pre-puppy, I could walk all 4 of them without much issue. Now the puppy is trying to assert his dominance over the others, and it’s messing with the walk… we need to work on that too…).

I see De tomorrow. We will be trying the art therapy stuff. I think it will be easier to talk to her with a tad bit of distraction going on. I can talk easier if I don’t have to pay attention to your attention… I hope we can do something even if the room is booked (hoping she will bring something into her office to work with). I’m going to take my collage book with me again (3rd time’s a charm, right? maybe this time I will show it to her). The stuff in it is (at youngest) a few months old, but it;s still really relevant… I wanted to do another one tonight, but I just didn’t have the space, and then I got distracted. I might still draw something tonight, but I’m not promising anything. There’s an old drawing (lost the original, but I have a copy of it) that suddenly has so much relevance again. If nothing else, I should show her that.

I want to get a half-sleeve tattoo to cover the scars on my right arm… I have made that a priority, since I can;t really afford others, but I want the scars hidden a bit better. I don’t like the threat of having to explain them away. I was going to stop by the studio and get a rough quote so I would know how much to put away, but they don;t open till 1pm, and I was by there around 12:30 with no real intention of putzing around for a half hour. I really want to get Dotty, but L is disturbed by her… we may have to talk about it some more down the line. I really am attached to the idea of the Dotty tattoo. If nothing else, it’s a part of my history.

I’m not drunk, but I feel like i am. Not so much a swimming feeling, as a brutal honesty threatening to break through. I don’t think I’m ready for the consequences of that honesty though, so I will work to keep it under wraps.  I wish there was a place to write it just to document, but there is no place that won’t be read…

weird, windows just timed my session out while I was typing.  that has never happened before.  I went ahead and changed my pw just in case.

I think I want to try losing weight.  I feel fat and sedentary.  I miss my skinny body.  I miss being able to wear what I wanted without looking like a “stuffed little sausage” as my mom liked to call it.  My sleep’s been off, and so has my eating, so this should work out perfectly.  If I could get back down to my pre-medication weight, that would be awesome (65lbs to go!).  Walking the dogs will help.  Eating better will help also.

Anyway, before I start faux-drunk-typing, I will end this blog.  I really have no idea why I feel so drunk.  Heck, at least there will be no hang-over  (it’s the little things).


Obsessing

I’m throwing myself into things obsessively to keep from thinking. I can laugh on the surface all the while my mind is cranking out the negative.  I hear people say all the time it’s a choice, bit mine is so deeply rooted, I’m having trouble controlling it… the depression is a thick, soupy fog in my head.  No amount of positive thinking seems to burn it away.

I have to be up and ready I’m a few short hours. I’m volunteering again today. Not really in the mood to go, but will enjoy some alone time. I forget how much I need that until I haven’t had it for a while. Being around people is so draining…

I need to remember to talk to De about my dad’s visit next week. Going it will go smoothly, but need a contingency plan in case it doesn’t.


and it’s back

well, that was short-lived.  more alcohol needed I guess.

I don’t know.  This drama is too much.  I want it all done.  The depression needs to go.

We have plans with a friend tomorrow.  I’m not sure I want to go, but I know I should.  I need to keep up appearances and keep faking it… Hopefully they will approve my insurance application this time around.  I think I’m back to needing something more intensive, but at the same time, I am toying with the idea of dropping out of therapy.  I don;t want to keep subjecting others to my drama and moods.  I am tired of myself;  I can only imagine what others feel about me (I’m continually surprised my wife had not turned-tail and run yet… I don;t want to be with me but I’m stuck.  I have no idea why she chooses to stay).


the drinking helped…

yeah, I found that magic balance of alcohol in the bloodstream that caused the depression to take a step back for the moment. I’m glad for the brief relief… it doesn’t happen often, but I like when it finally does.


Damaged by Plumb

“Damaged”

Dreaming comes so easily
’cause it’s all that i’ve known
True love is a fairy tale
I’m damaged, so how would i know
I’m scared and i’m alone
I’m ashamed
And i need for you to know

I didn’t say all the things that i wanted to say

And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away
’cause i feel you, i feel you near me

I didn’t say all the things that i wanted to say

And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away
’cause i feel you, i feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I’m damaged, as i’m sure you know

There’s mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but i can’t go back

Trying not to give into the urge to drink myself under the table right now…  though maybe it would help alleviate some of this (gesturing to everything)

overwhelmed

sold a group of my reptiles off today.  hope they do ok.  at least the store has more national (and international) reach to sell them.  hope it wasn’t a mistake.  still have 10 snakes and almost 20 lizards… need to keep moving the lizards.  they are more labor-intensive than the snakes.  it’s just all too much… 

saw De today.  not sure what I was looking for, but I guess it was helpful.  came up with ideas of what to do this weekend to keep safe and ahead of that black fog (or at least to the edge of it).  re-homing some of the herps was part of the plan.  i feel like I failed them though (especially the boa)… i hate myself for failing.  i hate myself for bringing the puppy home.  i hate myself for so many reasons.  i just want to stay in bed.  we are supposed to hang out with a friend tomorrow, and it’s really the last think I want to do.  bed would be nicer.  i just want to sleep right now.  i almost cried on the way out of the store.  😦  

so tired of all this.  wanting to find a blade really badly right now.  the self-injury would be comforting… f*** the fact that I will be getting a massage later this coming week or next… it doesn’t really matter, I can just bandage it and tell her not to do that leg… what difference does it make anyway.  who the f*** cares what some stranger thinks.  I doubt I’d ever see her again anyway, I can’t afford massages without buying them from living social, and that always means new customers only for stuff like that.

L is struggling also, and I wish I could be more supportive.  but I’m just lost in myself.  f*** the world.  not in a good space today (this week)… none of it matters.  nothing matters.  it’s all just pointless anyway.  


fun class

So, we went to the asl class even though we were both tired and I was wholly unmotivated. I wanted to hide in the bg, but they made us stand to introduce ourselves (sign our names). I had it down pretty well while sitting, but having to stand and do it with all eyes on me had me freezing up. It was fun though. Lots of laughs and good distinctions between a southern “accent” and northeastern “accent” when signing.
It was funny, because when we left the class, my head was trying to figure out how to sign to L what it was that I was saying… It should end up being a fun and valuable class.

On the inside, I feel somewhat frustrated. The background noise in my head is getting louder. It’s taking more and more to drown it out, but at the same time, I don’t really know what it is. Kinda like a roar off in the distance that is getting louder and clearer as it nears. I worry about it, but I will just take it in stride without trying to predict its course (or I will try to do that, no guarantees).

We have J tomorrow. I’m not sure I have anything I want to talk about. I want a do-over on the assessments she gave us last week. I was cranky and sarcastic. I am not totally sure I will be in a better mood tomorrow… The sadness hits pretty much as soon as I stop doing whatever it is that keeps me occupied during the day. The hopelessness/lack of direction is overwhelming. I have no purpose in life. The animals are somewhat of a purpose, but they are a double-edged sword. They help to keep me balanced, but they also pile on the guilt and are a bit overwhelming themselves at times. I want nothing to have to do with being responsible for anyone or anything else. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, I don’t want to have to take care of anyone else. I just feel like I fail at it all. I am a distant wife, I suck at cleaning and keeping up my end of the housework, I don’t reciprocate friendships… I don’t want to be volunteering anymore (though it brings me some measure of peace and purpose). It’s all just feeling like it’s too much. The depression is coming back at me like a huge storm, and I have no way to out-run it. The best I can do is try to find shelter. I don’t want to have to keep doing this. I’m so tired. I don’t want to have to expend the energy time and time again just to have to start back at the beginning after a few weeks of “normal”.  I want out of this cycle.

I’m warring with myself about asking if De still has that Saturday appointment available. I want to ask for it, but I worry that I am wasting her time, and won’t end up warranting the extra effort. I don’t want to wear her thin (I’m feeling like I did that with D)…

I feel so lost and so worthless. I know I shouldn’t. I know I have a million reasons to feel better about myself… but I also can’t seem to change the thinking. No matter how many times I tell myself I’m good at something, it doesn’t change my over-all perception of self. De says it will take lots of time (read also: lots of effort); I just don’t know if I have it in me. The darkness is comfortable in that it is familiar and effortless. I’m out of energy, so effortless is good. Changing takes work and endurance. I don’t feel like I have it in me for either. Instead of making another appointment with De for this week, I should just cancel next week so it can better be used helping someone who wants to change.

It’s weird. I’m trying to figure out if I have taken this long to form any semblance of attachment to a therapist. I think it may have been the same with D, but I am not sure. It was likely the same with L, but again, I’m not sure. I grew pretty attached to Dr. C relatively fast after I started seeing her for individual, but I had seen her for several months before that in group, so that one’s not good for comparison. I don’t really remember how it went with the prior T’s. I’m sure I built trust with some faster than others. It just feels weird being 8 sessions in and not really caring much (but maybe it’s because I know I will have to build this relationship only to have to end it when we move again. So much effort for so little time… It may be really worth it though. I have to keep that in mind). I’m so emotionally spent right now. It probably has a lot to do with all this hopelessness and giving up. It’s all pretty worthless to try to climb a mountain when you know you have no strength.

I think I need to go to sleep now. I only got a few hours last night, and I think it’s catching up to me pretty hard. I need to finish my drink though… I wish k2 or pot was legal. I liked the break it gave me from all that is in my head… do you think depression would qualify me for medical marijuana? It has fewer and less severe side effects than almost all of the psychotropics, and it makes me feel better over-all…

:/


ASL

Tonight we start an American Sign Language class. It’s offered in conjunction with a Pride group. I’m kinda excited (as excited as my little brain can get lately). I like learning new things, and it will be a social thing, so that will be good. I just am not sure how well I can pay attention. My brain’s not to good at keeping to task lately.

I was supposed to have my massage today. I was really looking forward to it. But then the lady called to change the day. A friend was admitted to the hospital in critical condition. I hope her friend pulls through. I’m not mad it’s rescheduled. I would want to be there with a friend also (something tells me it may be her s.o. though I can’t tell you why I have that hunch)…

So we go to ASL class tonight. L had started learning it a few years ago, but never kept up with it. Hopefully she will be able to help me along. It’s always good to know another language. And one of the women at the nature center might also be able to help (though she does not use it at work, I’m pretty sure she knows it. I will have to ask next week).

Anyway… Off to wake L up before class…


Conflicted (and clearly not sleeping yet)

I don’t know what to say about World Suicide Prevention Day.  All this week is dedicated to suicide prevention. I’m totally conflicted by it.  While my training and my compassion triggers an automatic “don’t do it, lets figure things out” response, my personal experiences say “it’s ok to let go and move on from the torture”.  It is torture.  While I do definitely love my life (pterapotemous), I also definitely hate being in my head. Nothing makes it better for long.  The battle is always and will always be as long as I’m alive… so that tired part of me says “ok, just be gentle with yourself.  You deserve that much”… I would take away your pain of I could.  I would make life easier for you if I could.  But don’t force me to keep fighting when I’m just so tired…

So yeah, suicide prevention gets me all sorts of conflicted…


More of the same

Today’s session was… I don’t even know.  I was all over the place.  She tried to get me to focus on things, but I kept jumping topics.

I wish I could learn to stop talking in metaphor. I think I would be able to communicate much better that way. But some stuff is just too scary to say outright, so I do the best I can with the words I can say. I was able to tell De what I had written last night: that I love my life but hate my head.  She tried to get me to figure out what it would be like to be out of my head. I think she might want to strangle me at times because I can’t figure things out.  I have no real idea what it would look like to not be stuck internally all the time.  I don’t know what it’s like not to have an escape plan at all times. I don’t know what it feels like without an underlying depression. I know D would say that I may not have felt that way in the past, but it’s not an indicator of the future. I was able to parrot that to De. I also told her that I’m not sure I believe it though.  We talked some about some CBT techniques, and tried to pinpoint what it would take to get me to start to change my thinking. I would start to tell her my experiences with various CBT ideas and then get distracted and talk about something else.  She tried her best to keep me on topic. She also mentioned a few times that to be able to get me out of my head, we will likely need to go deeper in first. Oh, I was also able to express my concerns over her idea of distraction being really good and a sign that I am doing ok. I told her about the stuff that always goes on in the background and how I’m able to function even while falling apart.  It was a survival skill back in the day.  Now it just serves to keep me from getting what I need because I look totally together from the outside. I think she knew what I meant when I said that.  She again underscored telling her if I needed the extra support. That’s when the speaking in metaphor screwed me up again. I’m on that edge where I could likely use the added support, but don’t desperately need it right now (though that could change over time). I wasn’t quite able to be direct about that.  I always worry about being too much and asking for too much. It keeps me from asking for anything most of the time. It also keeps me from accepting help when it’s offered. My mom said she would fill out the Medicaid application for me if I wanted her help.  The stubborn and independent part of me rejected the offer, though I have no motivation or energy to do it on my own.  I just don’t want to be more of a bother than I already am…

Anyway,  De and I also talked about the ever-present depression and suicidal ideation.  Well, I tried to explain it to her a bit, but again I got off topic pretty fast. We ended on the idea of trying art therapy next week.  She will try to get the room, but if it’s booked, we will just do regular stuff. I know I need a better way to express all this.  I’m hoping the art therapy prompts work…

The anxiety about falling asleep is back.  This time I’m worried that I will not be able to fall asleep (though I’m pretty tired right now, my brain is in over-drive), or I won’t sleep well, or I won’t be able to wake up in time. More likely, I will be really tired come morning and having to take the puppy out when L leaves for work just wakes me up. I manage to be unable to fall back asleep until about the time I have to wake up. It’s really frustrating.   Tonight I stayed up because I had to finish a photo book layout so we can order it tomorrow (the day the offer for getting it free expires). I just have to have L take a look at what I did and see if she likes it or wants to change anything.  Then we place the order. I really like the way they come out through shutterfly. The paper and printing is quality (unlike some others I’ve seen), and the software on their site is pretty easy to use. I’m excited to see how this book turns out.  The last one we got (last year for mothers day through a promotion Ellen was running) was awesome.  This one is shaping up to be really cool also. I have one other offer for a free book through Best Buy because of some recent purchases.  I think that one will be a wedding book that L and I put together.  We have one from a friend which is really cool, but this way we can put a story to it also.

Ok.  I should try to sleep now.  My brain is all over the place, but I think I can get it to slow down if I stop trying to write…


clueless

and confused/conflicted. I suddenly feel ok to try to work. I think I can do this without falling apart. I seem to be able to reign in my depression with more ease… The walls come quicker and higher these days. I don’t want to be useless and jobless. Though I know I struggle with going volunteering even twice a week, maybe if I had the benefit of a paycheck, I could pull it together more often.

On Friday I had told De about feeling useless on disability. It still feels like a death sentence. I know my energy comes in spurts, but maybe if I HAD to function for a job, I would just force myself into it. I have always been taught that you have to keep plugging on. There’s no sick days unless you are on your death bed. Lately, all I have are “sick days”. I want to be productive and useful and have a purpose… I want to have something to say when people ask me what I do. De said I might need to grieve that productive life. It was on the way out, and I didn’t really get what she meant. The more I think of it though, the more I think I disagree on that point. If I grieve being productive and the life I had before, it feels too much like I’m giving up and will never get out of this space. I just need to keep looking at it like a stepping stone. (It’s funny that I say this all the while the little voice in my head is telling me not to worry because life won’t be that long anyway… I think only people who have battled depression and suicidal thinking can truly understand that little voice – even when things are going well, that nagging thought plays on repeat in the background. I used to think of it as an escape plan in case things got/stayed really bad. These days, it’s at once something I laugh at and something I desire with every fiber of my being. Once the little voice gets louder, it’s difficult to drown it out. Then I just have to wait it out, it has to sleep sometime).

I see De again tomorrow. I think on top of everything else I want to address (asking more about the art therapy possibilities, talking about the disability stuff, touching on my fears about the past coming to life again with this relationship, feeling overwhelmed by a lot of stuff…), I need to address the crazy mood changes and the background suicidal thinking. I can coast along just fine when distracted, but the minute the distractions stop, everything comes crashing back.

I don’t know what exactly to say. My head is all over the place even now, and I can’t hold a train of thought. I still can’t see a definite future for myself. There are things I want to accomplish, but when asked where I see myself in 5 years, the tears are triggered and my head answers: dead. The cycles are maddening. If my head will still be battling all this in 5 years, I sure-as-hell don’t want to be around for it… I love my life, but not my head. Does that make sense?


So tired (yes, still)

I’ve been having so much trouble motivating to take care of the herps lately… I need to just move most of the lizards out asap. They are more labor-intensive than the snakes… speaking of, I need to attend to them still.

yeah, so puppy = whole lot more work.  he’s just as stubborn about potty-time as chow is.  ugh.  he’s f-ing cute though.

very tired today.  it’s all very draining.  I’m glad I see De Tuesday.


People suck

I went out to go field herping, and ended up finding a puppy along the road.  He came home with me and we are looking for his owners.  If they don’t show, my mom wants to keep him.  He is wicked cute, smart, and sweet. He’s part-way trained, so I’m guessing he is someone’s dog. I did find out however that people will often dump their dogs in that area hoping the alligators will get them 😦 how could you do that to your dog?! I saw a bunch more stays on the way home, but they took off when I stopped. It’s so sad.  Don’t get the dog if you can’t take care of it.  And if something comes up along the way, try to find them another home, don’t just dump them. Crusher (Wesley Crusher) is at most 5 months old and super sweet. I couldn’t imagine dumping him. I think we are already a bit attached tho… kinda hoping his owners don’t call.
He’s going to be a big dog.  He’s already 30lbs of lankiness, and quite skinny. Maybe mixed with Great Dane?

image

I did also find a few cool herps while out there: we saw a handful of American Crocodiles, a ribbon snake, a water snake, a salt marsh water snake, and several frogs.  Unfortunately the camera didn’t take too great pictures in the dark, but I got some cool sunset shots. 🙂

It was a good time over-all despite being very late and tired even before I left for the trip.


I wasn’t able to tell her how I feel today… I just couldn’t find the words to say it. I froze, and the hour went by. We talked about other stuff. I see her again on Tuesday, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to say anything then either.

She said she was glad I was still doing things despite the depression. I tried to tell her I function really well up until the moment I can no longer function, but that didn’t come out right either. She assumed I meant that I was still ok, when I was trying to tell her the crash is happening now, and I want to stop it before I splat into the pavement. I so suck at communicating… 

L had given me a suggestion for what to say, but I already don’t remember :/


GAYME night

Wasn’t bad.  Met cool people and had some fun.  Happy we went despite being tired and cranky.  Now can’t seem to wind down tho… have volunteering in the a.m. then De in the afternoon.  Hope that goes ok and I get to talk about what I need to address with her.


Meh.

Covered the transference thing with J. It went ok.  I Hope it helps L.

Before we did that, J wanted us to fill o outr another stupid assessment.  It frustrated the hell out of me because I was already in a bad mood about the stupid dcf applications.  The last thing I wanted was more paperwork.  I got sarcastic and snotty with my answers.  I should have written at the bottom of the sheet that I’m a pain in the ass when it comes to filing out assessments.  I think J got the point tho when she read a few of my alterations (it was a simple “circle the number that corresponds” with no writing necessary). I joked that I was a pain with these things.  We all laughed.  She said she will score it next week and we would be able to talk about it then.  She wanted to give us time to talk about the transference L had asked her about…

As much anxiety as L had about taking to J about the transference, I have that much going about the things I gave De to read in my journal. I see her tomorrow afternoon.  I’m not sure I want to talk about it, but on the other hand, I really want to talk about it…

at this point, I’m not sure how much of my bad mood is coming from the anxiety, and how much is from pms (or the depression creeping back in).  I dunno.  I just want to go back to bed and cry. And I have to volunteer again tomorrow because, I’m my infinite wisdom and a moment of weakness, I decided it was a good idea to volunteer twice a week.  What the heck was I thinking?! I have trouble enough wanting to go once a week, forget twice!  It’s fun once I get there and get into a groove (well, it’s at least tolerable), but the anxiety and lack of motivation right before sucks. 

I want to go back to bed and stay there.  I don’t want to go to Gayme Night tonight tho I know it will be fun. Ugh. Can I cry and hide?


hitting walls

I know I’ve blogged about this about a million times recently, but F**K!!!!! I’m trying to get Medicaid, and all I come up against are walls. Again I can’t get through to a live person. I can’t apply through my existing account. Trying to start a new application is so cumbersome!! They need so much information that I just don’t have the energy to keep filling out time and time again. I can’t get someone to help me because I don’t have the benefits to pay for it. I can’t get the benefits without someone helping me sign up for it all… catch 22.
The stupid help I applied for with the local hospital also wants more information. I hate talking on the phone, and I need to try to call them only to tell them I didn’t get any of the money they are saying I got… :/
Can I hide now?