So, chemo is causing L a lot of pain. It seems that no one thing really helps. She’s taking her pain meds, using a heat pad, and we’ve figured out that weight seems to help, so I finally caved to buy the materials needed to make a weighted blanket… I would have preferred to order one already made, but they are way out of our budget.
I bought the plastic poly-fill beads online, 20lbs for $30. I’m going to head to the store this week to get either fabric or two blankets for the shell. Our niece’s is going to try to put it together for us. Sadly, it won’t me dobe till the beginning of September (shipping the beads is what’s holding things up), but at least we will finally have one we both can share.
In the mean time, we are borrowing heavy quilts from friends, and using a 20lb sack of rice for weight… there’s also the heat pad and several types of pain meds.
I feel helpless. I wish I could do more for her…
Found this on Google. It sums up life at the moment.
I’m so tired sometimes… like “drugged” tired, only I haven’t taken anything.
I took L to work this am, poured another cup of coffee after I got back, and promptly feel fast asleep on the couch for easily 2 hours.
I had several dreams during that time, mostly about being late for work (I have to leave shortly).
It happens fairly often lately, a lot of the tome right after I wake up. Only, I don’t recall not sleeping well overnight all of those times, so it doesn’t make sense. When it happens after getting home from a full day of stuff, it’s not as baffling (like last night, after work and the family cookout… I was ready to sleep by 9pm). Sometimes I can fight through it and stay awake, but other times (like this morning), there’s no fighting it…
I’m taking vitamins. I’m eating mostly a balanced diet… must just not be enough to balance out the stress.
So, I kinda realized today that the hyperarousal state Dr C had mentioned in group back in February is what I’ve been calling anxiety… bit slow on the uptake, but it finally clicked.
It happened earlier today as I noticed my heart starting to race. I noticed myself starling at unexpected sounds, and I caught myself constantly glancing around…
I felt like I needed to be on my guard, but I couldn’t tell you why.
Anyway, so… yeah. Figured that one out. 4 months later. Go me… 😒
Sometimes I get these… memories? They are weird. They come from the visual perspective of the adult, but the physical perspective of the kid… it’s very confusing and uncomfortable.
Any emotional memory connected to it isn’t immediately apparent, though I might hazard a guess that there’s fear and anxiety that comes along with them. Most of that is muted though. It’s quickly overtaken by discomfort/disgust at the thought of ever having possibly perpetrated anything like that.
It’s really weird to experience…
It’s mostly triggered by seeing infants or young kids just in diapers. I feel things in my body as if it were happening to me, but I see it from an outside perspective, as if I were the one doing it. None of the physical sensations go along with being the one doing things, but all the visuals are of that…
Really want to talk to someone about it, but Dr C is still away till Monday. Gonna have to sit with it till then, unless I text her, but I don’t really want to interrupt her week away…
…until I tried fetzima and I could suddenly function again. I wish it had worked out better. Maybe one of the other two will work w/o such crappy side effects?
Seriously though, for the first time in a long time, I could get out and do things without extending a huge amount of emotional effort. I was so used to having to drag myself kicking and screaming to things that it felt normal. Sure, the med made me a bit hypomanic, but before that point… it was nice to be able to move off the couch, and be more social without dreading it. The anti-anxiety aspects helped also… too bad it started making me a bit psychotic.
I’ll have to talk to the nurse about something less intense (though I was only on the lowest dose, and for longer than they generally suggest).
Wtf with all these meds making me impulsive and suicidal? Can’t I just get the anti-anxiety & anti-depressant effects without all the added junk?
I miss functioning like a normal human being…
I started hallucinating this morning. I’m guessing it was the meds, since hallucinations aren’t a normal thing for me… it was quite disturbing; black holes were opening up around me, and everything got distorted. The worst was the first one. It came up in front of me while I was driving to work. It took me a few to figure out what happened, and I slammed on my brakes to avoid hitting the car in front of me once I realized it hadn’t just disappeared.
Needless to say, the other side effects adding up with the hallucinations is enough for me to call it quits on this med. It was worth a shot, but it’s clearly not something my body can handle.
I text the nurse this am, ultimately telling her I was stopping the med. She’s ok with that. I might try one of the other two next time I see her, but I’m not convinced it’s worth it… I guess we’ll see after we talk in person.