Weird nightmare, and how do you describe a flashback before you know what one is?

Woke up from a weird nightmare:
I think I had been at work or something, but it was a congregate care setting. We were trying to hide from nuclear bombs, but the places we were hiding weren’t good enough, so between bombs we would switch up hiding places. At one point I saw an old lady confused and not really hiding well, so I pulled her with me under the sink. That wasn’t a good enough place, so we moved again after the bomb. The last place we picked was under some blankets. The dog that had been under there (a rottie I know from work) that we went to hide with, moved and went out into the open. The stranger I was with and I both screamed for him to get under the blankets but he refused. Then the bomb flashed outside. As the flash was fading, aliens dressed in military uniforms used a tractor beam to pull anything living, and out in the open,  out of the apartment. The dog dissappeared in the tractor beam. I stopped screaming, but the woman beside me kept screaming for the dog, so the aliens started to notice her and started to come over. I held my breath and tried to get her to stop, but she kept screaming for the dog. The aliens hadn’t exactly seen her, but they were almost at us… and I woke up.

Couldn’t go back to sleep after that. I had to keep repeating over and over that it was a dream. Funny how your brain can forget that, despite how absurd the dream may be… there wasn’t even any cold medicine I could blame it on last night.

I certainly had no hesitation in calling this a nightmare because I woke up afraid, but other times much scarier and more gruesome dreams don’t make any emotional dent, so I simply call them weird or scary dreams… I guess that’s a good thing though, right? (The few “nightmares”). The less-absurd dreams, the ones that might actually happen in real life, and make sense that way, I simply consider them dreams. It’s the off-the-wall, can’t-happen-due-to-laws-of-the-universe type dreams that I have an easier time calling nightmares. Oh, there’s also the flashbacks and memories that happen in my sleep, but I don’t often remember them in detail. Those I’m just left with emotional echos in the morning, so they don’t count towards anything. If I happen to remember them and they leave an emotional echo, then I might call them a nightmare, but lately I label those for what they are: flashbacks.

Before I know what flashbacks were, I used to call them “daymares” because they were as scary as nightmares, but they came while I was awake… I knew they weren’t happening at the moment, but I couldn’t escape them either. Weird how we can make sense of things any way possible before we really understand what’s going on… I remember trying to describe daymares to some people along the way, but not really knowing how to explain it. I’m sure at some point I tried to explain it to a therapist. I didn’t think they were true at the time, so I described them as something imagined/made-up. They were real scenarios in that they were not outlandish like nightmares often are (like tonight’s was). They were “normal” in terms of “laws of science” kinda things. I wonder if anyone I described them to thought they were hallucinations, or if they guessed they might be real. If anyone told me at the time, I don’t remember. I do remember some people looked at me with pity when I described them…

Out of Phase

That’s it! He feels out of phase… I think maybe that’s why communication is so difficult.

Defragmentation of drive…

The system will now defragment the drive. This process may take a while. Do you wish to proceed?

I’m kinda wishing there were more warnings about this process. I wish I had more of a choice…

I’m disliking the concept more and more. I can’t seem to function under pressure anymore. I’m getting incredibly flakey in general, but add on any stress and I can’t keep track of details, I fluster easily, I lose my words… it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to be competent at anything I do, but that’s not the way life goes. Instead of anxiety switching on a backup system that allowed me to do what needed to be done, now anxiety wipes everything. I forget the basics of what needs to be done at work, the things people tell me fly out of my awareness as soon as the words leave their lips… my chest constantly feels like it’s caving in on itself.

This sucks…

Can I go back to airtight containers for everything?

I’m tired of the panic over nothing. I’m tired of the flashbacks. I’m tired of the overwhelming emotions that have no basis in the present. I miss being able to function…

More connecting of the dots (or, the elegance of the avoidance dance)

When you’re “allergic” to dbt, you and your therapist have to get creative about integrating ideas from it into therapy.

Yesterday, I was having trouble identifying what was causing my rollercoaster emotions. Dr C and I came up with a chart to help figure it out… she used the dbt diary card and the behavior chain as a jumping off point. We had events, people around/involved, emotions, sensations, and thoughts as the first level. Then another two levels of emotions, sensations, and thoughts, and finally a level of just emotions and sensations. I could fill it out haphazardly and incompletely, then she helped fill in some of the blanks & connect some of the dots… at the root of everything behind the emotional ups and downs is terror (and the avoidance of it)… it’s weird, because the word doesn’t do justice to the overwhelming and crushing nature of the feeling, but it’s the closest word for it.

I’ve been trying to keep up with filling out the chart more often, but I’m finding that it becomes pretty triggering to look at the things I’m trying to avoid (duh!). At least in therapy, it was safe to open up that can of worms. Dr C kept talking with me about it, and that prevented me from getting too lost in the bottom layers. I’m kinda worried/scared that looking at it at home wouldn’t give me the same ability to pull out of what is stirred up. Yeah, it’s probably a cop-out to avoid addressing it, but I need to keep functioning this weekend. There’s work and social stuff happening. I can’t be a wreck… so I keep avoiding.

There’s a fear behind the avoidance: what if it overwhelms me? What if I can’t regain control over the impulsive thoughts? What if I fall back into a cycle of hospitalizations?

Sure, I could reach out to Dr C for support, but how much can she really help if the panicked child and the angry teenage are both triggered and overwhelmed at the same time, and I lose my connection to my adult, competent understanding of things? I know I’ve come a long way since the last cycle of hospitalizations, but the potential of it coming back scares the crap out of me.

A little slow on the uptake

So, sometimes connecting the dots takes me a while.

I just figured out how it is that I can manage to be “fine, until I’m not” (like literally, just before I opened my WP app to write this)…

Anyway, all the discussions Dr C and I have had about dissociation and her finally labeling it as “fragmented ego states” led me to realize that I can work/function immediately before and after a major break-down because I dissociate it all. I compartmentalize the emotions. I check out from the turmoil to be able to function in daily life. Once I finally can no longer hold the mask in place, I fall apart. When I can figure out how to hold the mask up again, I go back to functioning in my every day life (at least when I have to maintain appearances at work or school).

It should have been easy to figure this out. I’ve always utilized dissociation and fragmentation to survive. I should have known that would be how I got through my breakdowns… so many times clinicians would marvel at my ability to work until the moment I entered the hospital, stay there for a week, then return to work the day of discharge. I kinda get why I didn’t figure it out at the time, but why didn’t they? Dissociation has been a part of my diagnosis for ages, how did they not put it together? They were outsiders, they had a “whole picture” perspective, but not once did they think to clue me in when I was baffled by my cycles… Maybe they didn’t figure it out either. Most of them did not work regularly with fragmentation or severe dissociation. I guess I wonder why The Center at PIW didn’t figure that out. They discharged me as soon as I seemed “together” enough to function in daily life…

Dissociation was a lifesaver at one point, but now it hinders everything, including moving forward in treatment. Just this week I pulled it together long enough to get through my session with Dr C yesterday. Today I’m back to seriously depressed and ready to cry. I made it through work, but now I want nothing more than hide and cry… this sucks.

No sufficient distractions

Nothing occupies me sufficiently. Nothing keeps my attention. My head alternates between screaming and silence (and sometimes the silence screams).

We are watching G.o.T. to catch up. I can pay more attention to it than other things, but even that doesn’t mean much.

My usual social media distractions are frustrating me…

Went to L’s parents’ house earlier to celebrate a birthday. Part of me was excited to see the kids and have a cookout, but a bigger part of me didn’t know how to function. Even L’s mom commented on me looking sad. I brushed it off as being tired… how do you explain that your whole world is in flux? How do you admit that everything hurts so much you wish it would finally kill you? So I said nothing. I did my best to stay in the background. I sat in corners and helped man the grill…

Since getting home, I’ve wanted nothing to do with anything… I’m just so tired (so it wasn’t a total lie I told earlier).

When will that chest-crushing feeling be over?

Letters to no one

Dear Dr C,
I don’t want to bother you, but I kinda just want to hide in your pillow fort…
Just about 90 minutes left of the work day. I’m so tired. I’m impressed I made it without crying and breaking down. No guarantees that won’t yet happen next week, but it didn’t Happen yet today.
Would it be ok if I asked for more sessions again next week? The black hole in my chest is still collapsing. My  throat hurts. I’m tired. I’m feeling impulsive… this is hard.
I don’t want to break you with my neediness.
I hope I don’t break you. I’ve broken enough therapists…
Can I bring cow with me Monday to sit in your pillow fort? I got her groomed today, so she shouldn’t shed all over the place now.

Grief…

I find myself wanting to cry at the drop of a hat… I’m ok as long as the distractions are there, but as soon as they subside, giant tidal waves of emotion take over.

I’m grieving something I thought I had. It’s mixed with depression and hopelessness…

I’m not sure exactly how to handle it.

Dr C believes it will all be ok in the end.

Right now it just feels like I’m drowning.

Art and life run parallel

Today, the orange and pink piece is very different. Drying dulled the colors. The gloss finish was too thick too fast and has cracked…

Fits the emotional experience… yesterday held promise of pretty. Today reveals the cracked, dark mess…

As soon as I stop running from distraction to distraction, the black hole returns to my chest…

After session today, I came home and dragged art stuff outside bent on making a mess. I invited one of the neighbors to join in the mess making. She didn’t end up participating, but we chatted for a while.

The mess turned out ok. I tried something I had seen a friend do a lot of lately: fluid acrylic abstract painting.

It was fun to put large amounts of paint and water to canvas and watch the components interact… I tried harder with the first painting (blue/ green/ black), and I think it looks kinda forced. The second one (magenta/ orange) was more spontaneous. I picked colors I don’t normally use, and just went to town wherever the paint landed. I really like it, except I used too much water so a lot of the color was lost as it dried…

Sober by Niykee Heaton

Another one I’m liking at the moment…

NIYKEE HEATON
“Sober”

Feel it race
Going numb
Got me beating like a drum
What I say
When I spill
Maybe I should never talk
Na na na na na, ay
Na na na na na, ay
Stories end
People change
But I’m ripping like a page
I don’t dream
I’m afraid
Seeing nightmares in the day
Na na na na na, ay
Na na na na na, ay

[Pre-Chorus:]
Say goodnight
I’m still lying awake by your side
& even though I know I shouldn’t I’m
Feeding the monsters I’m afraid to fight

[Chorus:]
Leave every bottle
As empty
As my promises
Just like the last time
I swore I’d
Get sober for this
Told you I fought ‘em
They tempt me
I’m begging to live
Hands on your shoulder
I told ya
I’d get sober for this

Wanna drink
Wanna smoke
Wanna feel it in my throat
Then I sink
Then I choke
And I realize that I don’t
Na na na na na, ay
Na na na na na, ay
Unafraid
Feel it rise
Baby you can bet I’m high
Then the pain
Let it ride
I been aching the whole time
Na na na na na, ay
Na na na na na, ay

Over the Love by Florence + the Machine

Loving this song also…

https://youtu.be/B0AjBuCGFjY

Over The Love (Of You)
Florence + The Machine

Ever since I was a child
I’ve turned it over in my mind
I sang by the piano
Tore my yellow dress and
Cried and cried and cried

And I don’t want to see what I’ve seen
To undo what has been done
Turn off all the lights
Let the morning come, come

Now there’s green light in my eyes
And my lover on my mind
And I sing from the piano
Tear my yellow dress and
Cry and cry and cry
Over the love of you

On this champagne-drunken home
Against the current of gold
Everybody see I love him
‘Cause it’s the feeling that you get
When the afternoon is set
On the bridge into the city

I don’t want to see what I’ve seen
To undo what has been done
Turn off all the lights
Let the morning come

There’s green light in my eyes
And my lover on my mind
And I sing from the piano
Tear my yellow dress and
Cry and cry and cry

‘Cause your’re a hard soul to save
With an ocean in the way
But I’ll get around it
‘Cause your’re a hard soul to save
With an ocean in the way
But I’ll get around it

Now there’s green light in my eyes
And my lover on my mind
And I sing from the piano
Tear my yellow dress and
Cry and cry and cry
Over the love of you

Cry and cry and cry
Over the love of you
(I can see the green light
I can see it in your eyes)
Cry and cry and cry
Over the love of you

I can see the green light
I can see it in your eyes

Fear of going back to sleep

I think part of me is afraid to try to go back to sleep. I’m afraid to not have the phone in my hands and keep feeding myself the distraction… it’s too late at this point to try to take something to relax enough to sleep. I’m sure Dr C would be ok with me making it to a later appointment if I told her I needed to sleep, but maybe I can just sleep some during the day. That feels safer… (I know it’s safe to sleep now, but talking with her about the stuff has triggered the feeling that it’s again not safe to sleep at night).

My chest still hurts from the weight of what we talked about. It still feels like it might cave inwards…

Might need to change up the music flowing into my head from Burning House by Cam, back to the old standby of Safe & Sound by Taylor Swift.

About therapy last night (**trigger warning, talk of: abuse, self harm, past suicide attempts)

There was a moment of soul-crushing pain. It felt like my chest may cave inward. I could barely breathe through it… no. Just no. I spent the last hour (?) telling her things… they are impossible fictions. I’m not sure why I need to lie about this stuff, but I just do.
They’re not consistent stories. They’re not complete. Some I’m aware of as scripts (I didn’t actually remember them at the time, I’ve just read what I’ve written in the past enough times to be able to recite them. There’s no emotion. I just know what I should be saying)…

I can’t sleep again tonight.
I think we got home around 10:30. We didn’t come to bed till about 11:30. It’s 2 and I’ve already been awake for 20 minutes. I wish I could sleep. But I’m confused about the session last night. And the body memories are loud right now… right now, I can feel the scripts I was reading earlier. There’s a physical aspect to them. The emotional is just tired and spent (and maybe a bit scared).

I just want to sleep.

Please just let me sleep…

There was another point in session where she suggested an activity that involved tracing my body outline onto a large piece of paper. I nearly sunk into the chair and ran out of the room at the same time. In that moment, the thought of laying down on my back to be traced was utterly terrifying. Body memories flared up throughout every part of me. I could feel being held down. I could feel being touched. I could feel the panic… I wanted to curl into the tightest little ball ever. I wanted to hide. I wanted her to just stop describing the activity because no matter what words were flowing from her lips, I was sure it meant even she would hurt me.

I want to rip the skin off my entire body. I want to stab my legs. I want to open my arms up and let all the blood flow out. Part of what I felt and remembered last night must have been one of the hospitalizations. I felt tubes hooked to my arms, and a fuzzy, sleepy feeling. I didn’t want to wake up again. I really, really, really just wanted to fall asleep and not ever wake up… must have been from that time I OD’d for the first time… it would make sense for the emotions that came up on the way home once I was finally grounding… the emotions and the situation fit nicely into the OD attempt from 2007 (last night, L was out, I was supposed to meet her there after therapy. Therapy had been really unsettling and triggering. I thought about not going to meet L. The urge to self destruct in more ways than one screamed in my head. I thought it would actually work before she would be able to get home… I really just wanted to fall asleep and not wake up again). So instead I called her once I was home (I thought about calling her on the way home, but I was using really loud music to help ground. I needed to keep it loud till I got home). I got directions and managed to ask her to give me clear instructions on what I needed to do and where I needed to go. I got lost trying to get to her anyway – a place not 7 minutes from our house, but I messed up twice and ended up towards the other end of the road (near the hospital). I was still checked out at the time I arrived. I was supposed to help out, but it was getting late, and I was in no space to do anything that might require competence. I sat outside on the porch instead. I stayed there until I could finally feel the chill. I would have stayed there until it was time to go if L hadn’t come to chat and tell me to come inside even if I wasn’t going to volunteer…

I’m so exhausted, but I just can’t sleep. I feel like I need to keep talking about the things we opened up in session. Except when I go to talk or write about it, I freeze. I’m scared. It’s hugely triggering. It’s also something I shouldn’t indulge if it’s a story I’ve made up… yet there’s this really strong internal push to keep talking. I dunno…

I’m scared. I’m scared of continuing to address this, but also scared not to address it. I’m scared either will land me inpatient again. Both feel potentially hugely triggering, but one will trigger self-destruct out of fear of what’s being communicated, and the other will trigger self-destruct out of anger at ignoring things again…

Suddenly, I’m remembering Catherine. She was a case manager(?) At one of the hospitals I was at back in 2009. I only remember working with her one time, but apparently I was assigned to her more than one stay. I want to say maybe she was told more than I remember. I know she felt safe that second time (even though I thought I was meeting her for the first time)… she argued with the psychiatrist about the ect he was trying to force me into that time, and fought to get me into a trauma program out of state.

I wish the body sensations would stop. They don’t let me sleep (well, them and the chaos in my head). They are closing in on intolerable level… it’s nearly 3 am now. I can’t believe I’ve been babbling on for so long… it’s helping though. It’s helping stop the circles of thought. At least getting them down gives me a safe place to store them so maybe I can sleep at some point… Maybe I need to try to see the aprn at Dr C’s office and get something for the sleep… it’s been too many nights of poor sleep, and too many days of not being able to eat much of anything. Maybe I should try herbal tonight? Might be an improvement over the lack of sleep… I dunno. I really just want to be able to sleep.

Can’t ground today

Normally, work helps me ground. Hanging around with a bunch of dogs is a lot like hanging around with a bunch of kids: you have to be present or they get into trouble. Unfortunately, no amount of hanging around and trying to be present with them is helping the body memories.

I didn’t sleep well at all last night. I’m sure that’s not helping either.

Last night, I told L some of the stuff behind the body memories. She says some of my relationship and sexual issues makes more sense now… it’s weird, because when I was telling her, it felt real. This morning it feels like stuff I’m making up in an attempt to excuse my choices.

Yesterday Dr C asked what else I’d be losing by choosing to believe the memories and the stories I’ve ascribed to them… she’s suggested I’d have to give up the identity of being a drama queen. It’s not exactly an identity I like, but it’s somehow easier to deal with than having to come to terms with my life being much different than I remember… give me psychosis, histrionics, and mental defect over sexual abuse any day. At least that way I don’t have to be mad at anyone but myself. I don’t have to understand my life different than I do now. I can continue to hate myself (it’s so much safer).

I’m so tired of dealing with all this. I’m tired of the memories and the body sensations and fear. I just want to be done with it all…

I get to leave early today because we don’t have enough dogs for me to stay. I’m kinda glad. I’ll get to maybe nap (since I think I got a total of 3 hours of sleep last night in 10-minute increments)… I also see Dr C again tonight. It seemed like a good idea last night. Hopefully it’s still a good idea. There’s a lot going on at the moment. I can’t afford to crash land back onto the psych unit (I just hope I don’t wear her out on me).

At war with myself

Went in to session angry at having to be there. I was able to swallow it at first because I’m aware it’s just this current emotional state, and not her.

Was able to tell her that there was a bunch of stuff that needed addressing today. We covered a lot of it, but I was defensive and obstinant most of the time. I was able to tell her that I was in an “I don’t give a fuck what you say” kinda mood. She rolled with it…

I feel like I’m at war with myself. Everything is an argument between my adult self and the bratty teenage self that is so bent on having her way… both are trying hard to protect the kid side of me…

Going back Wednesday again… I feel like I’m bugging her, like i’m a huge pain in the ass… 😦

I See Fire by Jasmine Thompson (cover of Ed Sheeran’s song)

Currently obsessed with the Jasmine Thompson cover of “I See Fire” by Ed Sheeran…

I See Fire by Ed Sheeran

Oh, misty eye of the mountain below
Keep careful watch of my brothers’ souls
And should the sky be filled with fire and smoke
Keep watching over Durin’s sons

If this is to end in fire
Then we should all burn together
Watch the flames climb high into the night

Calling out father oh
Stand by and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side

And if we should die tonight
Then we should all die together
Raise a glass of wine for the last time

Calling out father oh
Prepare as we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
And I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

Oh, should my people fall
Then surely I’ll do the same
Confined in mountain halls
We got too close to the flame

Calling out father oh
Hold fast and we will
Watch the flames burn auburn on
The mountain side
Desolation comes upon the sky

Now I see fire
Inside the mountain
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze
And I hope that you remember me

And if the night is burning
I will cover my eyes
For if the dark returns
Then my brothers will die
And as the sky is falling down
It crashed into this lonely town
And with that shadow upon the ground
I hear my people screaming out

Now I see fire
Inside the mountains
I see fire
Burning the trees
I see fire
Hollowing souls
I see fire
Blood in the breeze

I see fire (oh you know I saw a city burning out) (fire)
And I see fire (feel the heat upon my skin, yeah) (fire)
And I see fire (uh-uh-uh-uh) (fire)
And I see fire burn auburn on the mountain side

Body memories suck.

Woke up with body memories again. I’m getting tired of them. I keep reminding myself that they are from the past, but it’s uncomfortable and difficult to sit through the sensations of being touched all the time… at least L is home today. That’s helping me ground simply because I have to be mindful of her presence.

I’m trying to get through the day without bugging Dr C. It’s mothers day, and the weekend, so I’m going to do my best to keep muddling through.

We need to talk more about the sh tomorrow, and the body memories…

Hypnogogic hallucination

Early Friday morning as I was taking the little dog out in a half- asleep state, I thought I heard someone whisper “who’s coming?”. It scared the crap out of me. It took me another two hours to get back to sleep.

Now I’m wondering if it didn’t have something to do with this distanced, slightly dissociative episode that’s going on. Wonder if I was giving myself a heads-up about how intense it will be.

Feels like I’m stuck in angry, rebellious teenage mode. It’s a difficult space to be stuck in…

Mixed emotions

As much as today’s season was triggering and evoked so much shame, it was also a relief to be able to communicate with Dr C about some of the stuff we covered. I wish I had been more present, and taken in more of what she was trying to say, but overall it was good.

It’s taking me a while to be fully present again afterwards. Being at work helps a bit. I’m pretty sure I would have cut had I been at home the rest of the day. As shameful as the cutting is, it also works to relieve some of the more difficult symptoms. I keep trying to remind myself that “cutting every once in a while is a stronger reinforce than doing it regularly”… I know the science behind Dr C’s statement. I understand the mechanisms of reinforcement… it’s just that the statement is so true. It’s already an ingrained thing. Habits are harder to break than build.

Running from sleep

I can’t bring myself to put my phone down and try to sleep. It’s not the familiar terror of falling asleep, but a feeling of running from something I don’t want to deal with. As long as I’m awake, I can avoid whatever it is in my dreams tonight that wants to haunt me.

I’ve felt like I was running from something for a while now, only I’m not sure what. I suppose I could give in and let it have a chance to catch up with me, but there’s an anxiety around that… I have no real clue what “it” is other than something anxiety-provoking.

I guess tonight’s safe enough to try to slow myself down; I see Dr C tomorrow for a second season this week, then again on Thursday for group. There will be plenty of chance to touch base around anything that might surface.

It’s just that it’s… I dunno… kinda scary. I’m not sure what I’ll find, and i’m not sure I want to actually find it.

I guess I’ll eventually have no choice, but… can I run from it a while longer?

Great article on another aspect of hypervigilence

Trauma Makes you Live in a Backwards World

Meanwhile, used to terror or violence, no big challenge ever seems big enough. You miss the warning signs of the big problems because you are focused on avoiding the small ones. Cause and effect in backwards world get disconnected from reality. Even when there is proof around you, you don’t see it, you don’t believe it.

This is a great article. It explains so much about how trauma can cause a person to miss the big stuff because they are so focused on avoiding all the little things that might mean problems.

I find certain things incredibly difficult to bring up in therapy. I’m not sure if it’s the way Dr C and I go about things, or the topics themselves, or my fear of disappointing her, or what, but sometimes I struggle till the end of session (or even after season is up) with how to introduce talking about certain things.

Last Monday, we had mentioned some stuff at the end of session that I really had hoped to cover today… only today I couldn’t bring it up again in time. The only reason I brought it up at all was because she caught me looking at the clock trying to calculate if I had enough time to get into it. I didn’t. She gave me the option of coming in again this week if I wanted. I took the opportunity, and also asked if we could talk about the self harm stuff that session. She said we can always talk about it, anytime. I told her I wasn’t sure how to bring it up; it’s one of those things that feels irrelevant unless I’m mired in it… only it’s difficult to talk about the “grand scheme” of it when I’m wrapped up in doing it, so it would be good to talk about it now when I’m not fighting urges… we established that it isn’t a current occurrence, but that it’s always in the back of my head (much like the concept of dying is always there).

I hope she can help me break into the subject next session.

Does anyone else find it difficult to bring up certain things at times? It’s not so much that it’s triggering or difficult to talk about (though it certainly can be), it’s just that we get going on another topic, or we seem to stay lighter, and I don’t know a good way to break into the heavy stuff. I find when there’s something I really want to talk about, I stall and sputter and pick something totally unrelated/surface to talk about when there’s actually something much more specific and heavier to talk about. I fall into the default notion of “they don’t really want to hear that stuff because it’s too deep/personal/uncomfortable so I’m just going to avoid it. I know it’s counterproductive for therapy (I mean, heck, that’s what I see the woman every week for: to talk about the uncomfortable/icky/ personal stuff), but for some reason I can’t get out of my own way and simply open up about whatever it is I really want to talk about most sessions. I’m so nervous and anxious about presenting well and progressing, I can’t bring up anything that might hint at any regression…

I know she says I don’t have to worry about disappointing her, but I always do (worry)… I have this intense drive to please people and make them happy in order to make them like me. It rarely works. Half the people aren’t swayed by my frantic attempts, the other half take advantage. I know I should be more authentic with Dr C, but I don’t want her to give up on me or be mad that I’m just always drama…

I need people to like me. I need them to know I exist, and to want me around or I might blink out of existence… I know I won’t really cease to exist if they dislike me or no longer want me around, but the little kid in me doesn’t get that. She’s still desperately trying to please everyone around her in an effort to justify taking up space and resources… funny how much the kid in me is desperate to be real, while at the same time another part of me wishes and hopes for an end (the depressed part. The part that’s so tired of fighting and struggling and trying)… annother topic for therapy “some day.”

Oh, I’m supposed to make “balanced happy” art for Dr C. She was thinking I should do something that makes me happy/feel loved, surrounded by more things that make me happy and feel loved to keep out the darkness (or create a shield against it). She did some concept sketches in session today, and I think it might turn out really cool, I just have to figure out how to execute them in an interesting way… guess that’s a project for this week sometime. It won’t be done by Wednesday’s session, but maybe for next week?