disconnect

had some trouble with some flashbacks earlier today.  got through them ok, but they triggered a stirring in my head also.  still don’t have a clear picture about what was disturbed, but some of the monsters have been roused from their slumber.  they are starting to shift and awaken. not sure I want them awake. don’t know how to get them tucked in all nice again.  trying to get through some of it with art. not really getting anywhere with that.  don’t have coherent words or phrases to explain them.  can’t put pictures to any of it.  just sensations right now, moving, shifting, causing sparks. waking more monsters, but they’re slow to rise this time… really wish I had more talent to put them to pictures.  wish there were words with which to speak of them. wish De was back so maybe some of it could be understood.  teetering on the question of whether to reach out or just sit tight.  thinking sitting tight will work still, it’s not bad enough (or even threatening to be that bad any time soon) to warrant disturbing others.  just going to hold on.

wishing I was different.  wishing there was better communication between what’s buried and what’s conscious.  and things going scream in the night do not help at all.  finally started sleeping last night.  dreams made it feel like awake time.  can’t seem to get enough sleep to make up for what was lost over the last few weeks.  but at the same time, there’s fear of sleeping because the dreams are so compelling.  just want to get rest.  want to actually feel rested.

graphic pictures floating around when they do come.  not sure anyone should know the details of them.  would put them on paper, but they’re scary to others.  wishing there was metaphor to be used.  nothing’s come yet.  just those really graphic images. don’t want to have to explain them.  don’t want to have to show them.  so they stay inside.

really craving hurt again.  thoughts fluctuate between thoughts and cravings.  desire to be hurt because it’s what’s right.  know it’s mixed up signals. can hear De’s voice explaining it.  doesn’t change the desire.  wish there was relief without action first.  dunno.  holding out because it’s what’s supposed to be done.  really just want to hide away in art.  wish it would happen already.  so many topics to express, so little by way of expression…

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