I’m so physically tired, but I can’t seem to get a decent night’s sleep (emotionally tired also, but…).
Over the weekend, I managed to gather a group of people together for art journaling. It was fun, but the clean-up before and after was exhausting, as was trying to smile and put on a happy face when I’ve wanted to cry all weekend. Don’t get me wrong, I loved doing it, I’m just tired.
Got therapy in a little bit. I’m trying to prioritize what to cover today. There’s still stuff floating around from previous weeks, but there’s also the impending anniversary, and her trip, and current stressors… I’ve got 2 hours in the next two weeks to address everything I need to before she’s gone for a month. :sigh: I dunno.
I’m really liking when my life focuses on art. It’s genuine, but that also makes it very vulnerable. As much as I want to be able to show off the works that mean a lot to me, I’m hesitant. Even the slightest rejection or displeasure around those feels like it’s a rejection of me (even if the person has no idea what the piece means). So I try to keep those hidden…
I guess I should head out of I want to grab something to eat on the way to session…
I was reminded today how much i can still get triggered by anger and tension. My wife and i went to the baby shower for a friend’s step-daughter. Said friend and bio-mom don’t get along, at all. Bio-mom mom was actually pretty rude to L and i when we showed up. She rolled her eyes we introduced ourselves (though i later found out that she was the one not welcome at the party). In watching her interactions with everyone, I’ve found she is a lot like birch: she’s sweet as pie around most people, but will quietly and covertly “poke” at her target until the target blows up, leaving the target to look like the crazy one. She did that to my friend today. She whispered (rude, mean, hurtful, threatening) things to M and to M’s friends and family. When M finally confronted her (not so tactfully in the middle of the party), M ended up looking like the crazy new wife hating on the bio-mom. Then bio-mom say back pleased as all else while all hell broke lose with M.
A few of us tried to calm M down and remind her that there are better places and times for these battles. M was finally able to take a breather and calm down. The rest of the party continued. I, however, wanted to get out as fast as possible. I asked L if she ok leaving on the hour (more minutes) because I wanted to be there to support M even though she wanted nothing to do with me at that point (more because she was still livid, not because I think she was angry at me or anything). Things calmed down enough we ended up staying for the remainder of the party (about an hour).
That moment of anger made my heart race though. I wanted to be nowhere near any of it. I late realized it was because bio-mom reminded me so much of bitch and I wasn’t sure how M would continue to react. I still have a lot of stuff going on internally about bitch and anyone or thing that reminds me of her. It’s an instant trigger that brings the terror flooding back. And the term terror is not an exaggeration. Fight or flight kicks in. I don’t want to be there any more. I fear for my safety whether or not there is an actual safety threat at the moment… and I replayed with M today the way I always reacted to situations like that at home: stay close and try to fix things at all costs while trying to protect the people I care about that may be in immediate danger. Even just remembering the events from this afternoon have set my heart racing. It brings back all the old feelings, fears, and thoughts (though I can’t pinpoint any thought at the moment, they are racing too much). I want to call M (or text her. it’s almost 11pm and I know she has to work in the morning). I want to tell her that I’m sorry she’s going through this with bio-mom. I want to tell her i wish i could make it better. I want to suggest that she ignore bio-mom as best she can because there’s no willing with a sociopathic narcissist. I doubt I will. Maybe tomorrow. I hate to bother people and I know she was very angry today. She’s got a whole bunch of issues she needs to deal with outside of the crazy bio-mom, but I doubt I can bring that up without her losing it on me or ignoring me further.
Anyway, now that my heart is racing again, how ’bout them Ravens? How have they played this season? Well they make it to the world cup (what kind of team are they anyway? Football? Hockey? Baseball? I really don’t know my sports. L joked earlier we were very bad examples of lesbians; we know nothing about sports! I am trying to learn to fix my own car tho, that’s got to count for something right?).
I may take something for sleep tonight. I’m not looking forward to the nightmares I’m sure have been kicked up today.
I leave you with tonight’s sunset: