a neither-world

I hit a void of feeling.  It’s not numb, because I would describe numb as knowing there’s feeling behind a wall, but I have no access to it.  This is different.  I am not aware of any emotion even in the background.  I feel flat.  It’s not a depressed flat, but literally a flat, emotionless feeling.  I’m not happy, I’m not sad, I’m not depressed, I’m not frustrated.  It just feels like cotton has replaced my brain… I dislike this a lot.  It’s triggering self-harm thoughts because I at least know what to do with blood.  (I’m not going to follow through on the thoughts, but they are there).  And I don’t really want to do anything.  I would say it’s a restless feeling, but even that is not quite right.  Restless also implies some sort of emotion or drive behind it.  This has nothing.  I’m just not interested in anything at all.  Nothing holds my attention.  Nothing is compelling enough to do.  De had asked me to work on some art stuff and expression for the weeks she was gone.  I can’t even do that.  There’s no connection to anything I would want to express.  We went to the Japanese gardens yesterday.  I had taken my camera, but nothing struck me as photo-worthy.  I deleted most of the pictures I took, and am not all that impressed with any of the ones that are left.  I have yet to really use the colored pencils L gave me for Christmas.  There’s just nothing to draw or color that brings about anything other than boredom and a desire to walk away from it all.  I start out hoping to paint or sculpt, but I end up sitting at things just staring.

I hate this disconnect.  Art doesn’t bring relief, nor does nature or the animals.  I’m at a loss.  And De is not back till the end of next week…


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