Tag Archives: love

Write the saddest story you can in 4 words…

I saw this on fb…

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“I loved you once…”

it can have so many endings:

…but then I remembered.

…and you betrayed me.

…then you used me.

…and I saw your true colors.

…you broke my heart.

…I still love you (and I don’t know why)…


Quote – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

“Remember that everyone you meet is afraid of something, loves something and has lost something.” – H. Jackson Brown, Jr.


Happy Thanksgiving

Happy thanksgiving to all who celebrate today.

I’m thankful for all the love in my life ❤


on trust

Someone on a forum asked about trusting people in life. I believe she meant it in terms of trusting someone to not hurt her, but I defined trust slightly differently. I took it in a more universal scope…

I don’t trust anyone 100%. I trust my wife the most, though I don’t burden her with most of my trauma stuff. I trust her to work on the relationship. I trust her to call me out on my crap. I trust her to tell me when something is bugging her… I trust my critters. They are easy to figure out and rarely have ulterior motives except maybe food and adventure… I can build trust with a therapist. I trusted TM to work with me on what I brought to therapy. I trusted her to be open to helping me figure out my reactions. I trusted her to help build that trust, and to work with my best interests in mind within the bounds of her expertise and ability. I’ve trusted the same with some past therapists… I trust other members of my family to live up to what I have experienced from them in the past. I trust my dad will continue to be an abusive *** who will never learn. I trust my mom will be distant and in denial but loving in her own way. I trust my brother to be a geek and creative and funny but not emotionally accessible. I trust my wife, my mom, and my brother will be there for me. I trust my dad will push the boundaries I put up and bulldoze them (or try his best to do so). I trust his oldest sister will forever be crazy, abusive, and a plight on society. I trust my best friends to be people I can always come back to regardless of the time and distance between us…
So I guess you can say I trust a bunch of people, just in different ways.
I wish I was able to trust someone completely in a positive way, but I don’t even trust myself completely. People will come and go. Critters will come and go. Nothing in life is guaranteed, but I trust certain people will do their best to be loving… I also trust everyone is imperfect…

Who do you trust? How do you define that trust?


quote – on the other side of pain…

“On the other side of pain, there is still love.” – Madeleine L’Engle


He Never Hit Me (Huffpost link)

Powerful read… He Never Hit Me (Huffpost.com)

“By hurting me, he showed me he loved me. He cared enough to go that crazy. He cared so much that he was overwhelmed by anger or jealousy or sadness and simply couldn’t control himself.”

Sometimes I think the hardest thing to integrate is the coexistence of love and abuse… very confusing.

 


Self-compassion & recognizing limits

An article on self-compassion and understanding your limits was definitely something I needed to read today.

The last few days have me slamming hard into my own limits around processing my trauma. I am working towards acknowledging them to myself, and admitting them to TM (as much as I don’t want to in the moment because it means we will need to tweak our approach). I certainly want to push past my limits, but I need to do so carefully. I really wish I could keep seeing her for longer, and maybe a bit more often to help move past this, but therapy has its own limits and boundaries.

On another note, a friend pointed out something to me last night that was hard to hear, but definitely something that needs addressing. She was suggesting some coping strategies that I have used in the past, but have become huge triggers in the last year (mindfulness around breathing, and progressive muscle relaxation… well, they were always triggers, but not this intense in the past. I could utilize at least breathing techniques in the presence of someone I trusted. I can no longer do that without triggering or intensifying flashbacks). My problem comes from the memories that have surfaced recently. In them, I would pretend to sleep in order to “get it over with” faster. Pretending to sleep involved slowing my breath and relaxing my muscles so the person would believe I was asleep… I didn’t understand why these two techniques were so difficult for me until last year, when the cognitive memories started accompanying the physical and emotional ones. Since then, my reactions to the two techniques are incredibly intense and visceral. In the past, I would panic when I tried them, but I was able to try them without my whole body shaking; not so much any more. I know I need to work on this, but I’m not totally sure how. Time with TM is limited in so many ways, and there is so much to cover. 😦

Anyway, back to the article on self-compassion. It can be found here on GoodTherapy.org. While their articles are often geared towards professionals in the field, they have a wealth of articles for clients, friends, and family. I don’t always agree with what they post, but some are spot on, like the one mentioned.


You Owe Me Nothing In Return by Alanis Morissette

You Owe Me Nothing In Return by Alanis Morissette

I’ll give you countless amounts of outright acceptance if you want it
I will give you encouragement to choose the path that you want if you need it
You can speak of anger and doubts your fears and freak outs and I’ll hold it
You can share your so-called shame filled accounts of times in your life and I won’t judge it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

You can ask for space for yourself and only yourself and I’ll grant it
You can ask for freedom as well or time to travel and you’ll have it
You can ask to live by yourself or love someone else and I’ll support it
You can ask for anything you want anything at all and I’ll understand it
(and there are no strings attached to it)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return

I bet you’re wondering when the next payback shoe will eventually drop
I bet you’re wondering when my conditional police will force you to cough up
I bet you wonder how far you have now danced your way back into debt
This is the only kind of love as I understand it that there really is

You can express your deepest of truths even if it means I’ll lose you and I’ll hear it
You can fall into the abyss on your way to your bliss I’ll empathize with
You can say that you have to skip town to chase your passion and I’ll hear it
You can even hit rock bottom have a mid-life crisis and I’ll hold it
(and there are no strings attached)

You owe me nothing for giving the love that I give
You owe me nothing for caring the way that I have
I give you thanks for receiving it’s my privilege
And you owe me nothing in return


Quotes

Scars remind us where we’ve been, they don’t have to dictate where we’re going. – David Rossi, Criminal Minds

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love.” – Washington Irving (Criminal Minds)


Balance

So, my mood had been super cranky these last two days in part due to my monthly friend. Today was filled with negativity and anger boiling under the surface. I had every intention of expressing that in my art, but the piece took on a life of its own (as they often do).

I started out with intentions of depicting struggles with self-destruction. I painted a basic black background and added a razor blade and some red designs. Some of my paint tubes had dried paint around the openings. When I pulled it off the tubes, I thought they looked either like little volcanoes or like bullet holes. I decided to add those to the piece also. I had tried some stamping with some liquid silver, but it didn’t work out well. I washed the whole thing over again with black… then I ended up covering that in the purple paint. I covered in the holes with more black, but still had no real idea what to do next.  I thought of making it like a cave and later drawing in a small figure in one of the dips.  I liked the idea of the interference paint, so I added that to the little “bullet holes”. Then I wanted to play with the liquid silver to see if I could “line” the black blobs. For some reason, after the first blob was outlined, I just wanted to do my swirls. I started putting them randomly around the black blobs. I still wasn’t sold on how “cute” the swirls looked, so I added some silver “line” to the bottom of the biggest blob on the left. I stepped back for a moment and was totally lost on the direction to take the painting.

wpid-img_20140804_182552.jpgAs I looked at it,  the blob with the two ends painted with the red interference looked like a cute bean or little baby. I decided to add eyes to it. Then I added eyes to the round blob, then the one leaning over…  Suddenly the little goddesses appeared out of each black blob. They needed little lips then, and they became kisses. After the kisses came the hearts, and it ended up feeling very happy and safe.

And that’s how this originally dark, angry painting morphed into a love-filled one… sometimes we need to just let the art take over and fill the need we don’t know is there…

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I had gone to a social group at the Pride Center after finishing the goddesses (on Friday TL had suggested I take down the info for several groups and consider attending one or more this week). I hadn’t intended to go back to the women’s group because it had been an uncomfortable experience when I had gone with L last year, but the goddesses had me feeling more positive and balanced.  It was a wholly different group of women for the most part, but there ended up being a really militant, aggressive woman in the group yet again (though this was her first time at this meeting). She and the group succeeded in making me uncomfortable yet again. I took off as soon as the group broke, and I again have no intention of ever returning.

wpid-20140804_232235.jpgAnyway, upon returning home, I was still pretty on-edge, so I sat to do more art.  I did a collage this time, and it was back to the usual darkness. What can I say, it’s where I am most comfortable these days…

 


Whatever it is…

I was thinking of a friend, and remembered that one of the most comforting things anyone had said to me when I was really low was this: “We’ll get you through this, whatever it takes.  We’ll keep you safe.”

Sometimes all a person needs is to know they are not alone in their struggle; that someone else recognizes their hurt and will stand with them through it. It doesn’t matter if it’s hormones, situational, or a chemical imbalance. To that person, it’s very real and very painful in the moment…

Sending love to all those struggling out there. You are not alone♥


other stressors

One of the dogs decided to ingest a rather large amount of sand the other day.  It has caused at least a partial blockage for her, and she had spent the better part of yesterday at the vet getting fluids.  She is back there today.  We are all hoping that the fluids help her enough to not need any other care as we are way too broke for that.  Yesterday’s estimate landed at $700 just for tests and fluids.  We could only afford the IV (even that was $150 with the office charge).  I’m not sure what we can do if just getting rehydrated does not help her pass the sand.  X-rays to pinpoint the blockage would be $300, and blood work another $300.  Then if they find something that needs to be surgically removed, I’m sure we would be looking at a few thousand. We would not be able to afford even the fluids if it were not for my brother loaning us the use of his credit card.

I remember looking up some places to help with the financial cost of vet care when we found the puppy.  I think I remember seeing some place that had grants to help pay for emergency situations.  I will have to look that up again…  I know the dog is old, but she still has pep in her step.  I hate that tight finances can mean the end of a life.  :/


almost forgot to show you the card I made for L!

I was glancing back at my entries from the last 2 weeks and noticed that I forgot to show you the card I had made for L (that was the top-secret one).  I’m actually really pretty proud of it, though I have issues with the way the mouth came out…  Either way, she liked it a lot too, so here it is:

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Cute, no?  I could have done a better job with the mistletoe, but whatever.  I like the little guy.


Finally feeling something remotely “holiday”

My wife and I spent the day making holiday cards for local friends and family. It was nice to be able to do stuff together.  I would draw and cut them out, she would paint and write into them. There are a few more to make I think,  but we quit for the night after number 6. They are quite time-consuming, and the cards we used did not come with envelopes,  we had to go out and get some… well, we tried to get some, but they didn’t have any larger square ones at Michael’s. We ended up buying some red card stock to turn into envelopes.  I guess they worked out ok. Anyway, here’s some of the finished product:
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The partying snowman got a face lift before I gave him to my friend. She is a Dr. Who fan, so I wanted to make the tardis obvious. Sometimes painting the cards mutes the papercutting, so I chose to only do 3 colors… The original is above, and this one is what she got:

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This guy was actually for a friend’s stepdaughter’s baby shower, but done at the same time. I slacked with this one. I was tired and didn’t do all the fancy cutting. L did a great job bringing him to life though with her coloring.

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I drew up the reindeer for L, and she cut and colored them.  After this one, she decided to have me do the cutting and she would help with the coloring… I like the way they came out, but she says she has no patience for the details of cutting.

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Merry Christmas to a Fun-gi!

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Dory will be sent to Ellen Degeneres & her wife… maybe it’ll even make it on air?

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This is the Santa Minion.  I am obsessed with the little christmas lights this year for some reason, but felt bananas were more appropriate.

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These were the first 4 I did.  The ornament was actually the first one, and I still really like it a lot.

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This one was was modeled after a friend’s Dachshund… Not perfect, but hope she likes it.

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This turtle is going to a family that celebrates both Jewish and Catholic traditions:

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Things are still going well.  I’ve managed to keep in a really positive emotional space despite a lot of negative energy floating around. I’m still holding my breath for a crash, but not hoping for one. I kinda like this positive stuff.


Happy Thanksgiving…

I’m trying to embrace the “new traditions” of the holiday as De suggested.  I watched the parade with L.  I am making tofu-turkey, stuffing, and my own cranberry sauce.  I thought of making pie (we have everything needed), but I had 2 beers early, early on, and now I have lost all motivation.  The tofu is baking (almost done) and the rest of my portion of the dinner is ready.  I am trying not to think about how much I hate the holidays… Hoping I can keep the momentum going.

If I what I made turns out ok, I may post it here as a success to keep track of.  We’ll see,


homework is tough

I can’t figure out how to do the homework De assigned. I try the collage, but I end up staring at the pictures and words without a concept of how to put them together… It makes me incredibly tired, so I go to bed. It doesn’t help that the depression is incredibly strong and it’s clouding my mind. I just want to cry all the time. and sleep (though it helps that our bed smells incredibly wonderful right now, and I don’t want to leave it. Who knew Gain fabric softener could smell so good?!). I want music in my ears, but I’m trying to be more present. I’m not sure how long that will last. We have couple’s counseling later today. I don’t think I’m looking forward to it, but at least I can fake happy for her reasonably well (well enough to keep her from grilling me).

Tomorrow’s our one year anniversary, and that’s the only thing that brings a genuine smile to my face (I noticed it last night when talking about her with the ASL teacher actually made me smile a real, genuine smile when all I had wanted to do all day was cry and cut).  I really do love my wife, and she really does mean the world to me.  I just hope it can keep cutting through the depression so that we can have a nice day tomorrow.  All bets are off before and after…  I’m saving my happy for tomorrow.


Damaged by Plumb

“Damaged”

Dreaming comes so easily
’cause it’s all that i’ve known
True love is a fairy tale
I’m damaged, so how would i know
I’m scared and i’m alone
I’m ashamed
And i need for you to know

I didn’t say all the things that i wanted to say

And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away
’cause i feel you, i feel you near me

I didn’t say all the things that i wanted to say

And you can’t take back what you’ve taken away
’cause i feel you, i feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Will anyone get close to me?
I’m damaged, as i’m sure you know

There’s mending for my soul
An ending to this fear
Forgiveness for a man who was stronger
I was just a little girl, but i can’t go back

Trying not to give into the urge to drink myself under the table right now…  though maybe it would help alleviate some of this (gesturing to everything)