Unable to read others’ blogs today, and some blathering

I’m not sure what is up with my WordPress reader today, but when I click on a blog to read it, the application stalls and I’m forced to back out completely.  I apologize for not being able to keep up with everyone tonight :/ Hopefully it’s just a one-night bug that is only happening on my phone… sorry all!

Today was an ok day.  De called and we scheduled something for Tuesday. I hope I still am connected to the stuff that came up yesterday. She did not sound mad or frustrated that I asked for extra time.  I hope I can keep reminding myself of that when the fear of pissing her off comes up.  I obsess over boundaries not only because I fear rejection/anger, but also because sometimes I have trouble reigning myself in. I wind up relying too much on someone and it works to push them away.  I’m trying to find a happy middle ground (it’s harder than it looks). Most of the time when I was growing up, getting emotional needs met was nearly impossible in the chaos of all the domestic violence. Asking for support was often responded to with anger, frustration, or simply ignored (mostly anger tho).  I have trouble stepping back and knowing that I am allowed to ask for things, and that the response will not being a hugely disproportionate display of anger. The old hyper-vigilance to anger is made stronger when I feel more vulnerable.  I know I drive L nuts when I constantly check in to see if she’s mad at me.  I know I’ve driven others nuts with it also.  I’m sure De is getting frustrated with my constant checking and fear, but she has not said anything yet. It’s just difficult to step out of when so much is the same as my childhood once again (physical environment, and displays of anger or frustration all the time from those around me). I have trouble remembering that I am an adult who does not have to fear anger all the time from my dad or other adults. Once again I find myself stuck as both a small child and an adult.  I have more autonomy now, but I’m still very much a little kid emotionally… it’s quite frustrating (especially when the flashbacks or really strong memories hit. There’s not much I have found that lets me ground into the present because I get confused about what the present actually is. The people around me begin to look like those I grew up with, so I struggle to notice that I am no longer a kid.  Once again, my dog is mistaken for my dog growing up.  My wife is mistaken for my best friend in high school. It gets very confusing). It hits harder when other memories start to surface.  It feels like a domino effect of memories that come spilling at me. I can look at L, know she is L, then something gets triggered and she suddenly looks like C. I’ve noticed it more today and yesterday since the memories of DuckBoy bubbled up again.  When we are out of the house it’s not so difficult to recognize it as the past rather than the present. But when we are home, I forget and get lost quite easily. It doesn’t help that the energy in the house is still very much the same as it had been growing up. There’s anger and frustration busting at the seams. I hate it…

Anyway, yeah.  Asking De for some more support next week.  I’m hoping I can find something to get me through the two weeks she will be out between Christmas and New Year’s.  This program hasn’t called me back, and I don’t want to be left floundering for that long.  I know we meant to hold off on trauma processing until after the new year, but my brain has its own ideas. I’m partly worried about losing trust completely with her, so I think my head has kicked remembering into high gear (that, and holidays are always hard for me. Triggers get more frequent and varied while my ability to cope with them gets severely tested).

I seem to have an inability to leave an art project solely for work with De, even when I consciously choose to leave the piece at her office.  I have started drawing (and re-drawing) the image started with her on Friday. It’s in its third incarnation since yesterday morning.  I’m hoping I will be happy enough with one finally.  There’s still a few days till Tuesday when I go back to work on the one she is holding.  I’m hoping I will be able to get it right by then… one day, I will leave the work purely for there, but I have trouble reigning in the creative perfectionism to just one hour a week. If I end up happy with one of the versions, I will post it here.

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