Tag Archives: stupid


woke up crying today. it’s lasted all day. crying at the slightest thing.

the depression is harming others now too. killed one of my snakes without meaning to. didn’t check on her enough. missed signs that something was wrong. found her dead today. she’s always been a difficult feeder (refused food for the first 9 months I had her. she’d also regularly miss 3 or 4 feedings in a row) so I didn’t really think too much of it that she refused food the last 2 times… should have realized something was wrong this time. hadn’t been weighing her, so didn’t notice she was losing weight… so I put out feelers to two people about possibly taking on most of the snakes and the rest of the lizards. they deserve better. and I hope that having only 4 will be easier than the (now) 9… ūüė¶

if i still feel like this tomorrow, i will call TL and ask for another session this week (and hope I can hold it together for my trip coming up)…

supposed to get creative with the journal class teacher tomorrow. hoping I can at least fake it to get to her house and get some art time in. can fall apart again when I get home, but need to keep faking it for that. TL wants me to keep making plans and sticking to them. already let one friend down this weekend…

not sure why the depression hits so hard in the fall/winter lately. hate it. though maybe it always has and I just can’t remember… my memory is not the most reliable thing…

2014 100-Theme Challenge #46 & #47 (WIP)

I’ve been trying to catch up on my theme challenges lately. I also saw (again) the art therapy prompt to make a mask representing what you show to the world, and what goes on inside (similar to last year’s¬†“inside-out box”). I liked the idea of the duality, but didn’t want to do an actual mask. I decided instead to do a single piece with a face split down the middle (combining two of the 2014 theme challenges: #46 – to the world & #47 – on the inside).

wpid-20140920_232157.jpgI tried to sketch out the basics first. I kinda like the way the right side came out (the “inside”), though I still need to work on my color-shading skills and painting skills in general for faces. I can get more inanimate objects painted well, but facial features elude me… Anyway, I wanted to make the inside kinda gross and zombie-ish, because it’s how I feel most of the time (and pretty much always like that deep-down). I would have prefered a more realistic look to it, but I’m going to say it’s ok because my painting skills have never been on par with my drawing skills (back when I could draw better). I added the words around the image to convey more specifically my inner dialogue… Needless to say, my self-esteem is below pond-scum most of the time (though with my continued practice of art, it’s growing a bit at least around my artwork).

to the world; on the inside IP)I wasn’t sure what to do with the left side. I thought of trying a painting of a happy face with a happy, confident, and calming image in the silhouette and then marker in the features, but I couldn’t decide on an image I wanted to use that would convey all the stuff I project. ¬†I remembered I had found some cool “inspirational” tissue paper on clearance at the store the other day and had yet to find an art application for it. I tried that for the bg of the “outside” half of the face. I forgot tissue paper gets pretty transparent when glued, so the words are sadly not easily read (had to use multiple layers and over-lapping pieces). I have yet to decide how to do the rest fo the face… There will be positive words around that head, ones that represent all the stuff I display to the world so they don’t see what’s really there.


I feel like I’m wading through a swamp in heavy fog. My head is useless, has been for a few days now. Have therapy tomorrow, and hoping the fog will lift a bit before then. Not sure how useful/helpful/worthwhile it will be if my head is still like this tomorrow.

There’s stuff I want to talk to her about, but not sure I will be able to bring it up. Last session left me feeling like she will be critical of it… maybe that’s why the fog is getting heavier as the appointment gets closer. I dunno. I feel stupid and inept and unable to understand much right now :/

can’t get out of my own way today…

I don’t know how to do it. ¬†I can’t pull myself away from continually tripping on my own emotional mess. ¬†I can’t decide if I want to talk to anyone about it, or just ignore the world and stay in bed. ¬†I think ignoring the world would be best at this point…

midnight ramblings

My stomach hurts (from an infection due to an antibiotic), my head hurts… and my heart hurts. ¬†And I can’t seem to alleviate any of it. ¬†The medicine doesn’t take away the stomach or head pain, and I don’t think there’s a medicine for the heartache (at least none that would be “healthy”). ¬†So I’m trying to drown it all out. ¬†I’m sitting here bingeing on Grey’s Anatomy hoping that their story will make me forget my own for a bit… It only works half-way.

Friday De asked me to help her help me figure stuff out. ¬†She said that she was willing to work on stuff, but I had to point her in the right direction. ¬†She wanted me to tell her what I need… Great, if only I knew. ¬†This all has eluded me for 2 decades, how the hell am I supposed to come up with insight now? I tried to express what I mean when I say I “get stupid” about things, but I don’t think I did a good job. ¬†What I mean when I say it is that I cannot apply any of my learning to myself, nor can I figure out a helpful strategy for any hypothetical client that may be going through any of what I am. I get lost and I don’t know how to help anyone else or myself. ¬†I’m at that stage now. ¬†I have no clue what else needs to happen to allow me to move on from things. ¬†The only thing I do know is that the flashbacks, unwanted memories, body memories, and nightmares don’t go away… I don’t know how to alleviate them or make them less of a problem. ¬†I just don’t know what to do next. ¬†She had said she could just ask me questions, but that it would not be helpful, more along the lines of torture. ¬†I can handle torture. ¬†I know what to do with that. ¬†I don’t know how to deal with all this though. ¬†I know how to run or numb or cut, but I don’t know how to simply move on. ¬†Apparently, neither does she. ¬†I tried to tell her that the time she sprung talking about Duckboy on me was good, but she doesn’t want to over-do that. ¬†I have no answers for her. ¬†I have no insight or ideas. ¬†I just don’t know what to do (if I did, I probably wouldn’t need as much of her help).

So what do you do?  How do you move on? What makes things like this better?

playing with wrecking things

wreck this journalI had seen the “Wreck This Journal” books a while ago and brushed it off as something in which I wasn’t interested. ¬†I looked down on it thinking it was stupid after having looked at only a handful of the pages… then I started to see what people were doing with them. ¬†I fell in love with the idea. ¬†I know I could come up with my own prompts, but it’s just so much easier (and uncomfortable) to use the ones in the book. ¬†I caved and ordered 2 books off amazon (one each for L and I) and they arrived yesterday. ¬†We got to work pretty much as soon as they were out of the box. ¬†L has done a lot more with her’s, but I’m getting there. ¬†It’s a fun, creative process.

Here are a few of the one’s I’ve done so far.

doodle over this pageThis first one was done during couple’s therapy yesterday (we met at Starbucks because it was closer for all involved. It was a bit weird, but not too bad). ¬†The leaves were inspired by the plant on the property across the street, and the bird was inspired by all the birds flying around… I used chalk to color in the line drawing later on that night.





you forgot your flash driveThis next one was also done during couple’s therapy, and inspired by Big Bang Theory. If you watch BBT, this is from a pretty iconic scene. The prompt was to doodle or write on the outside edges of the book.



color outside the linesThis one was inspired by the chalk box that I had decorated several months ago… I love spirals, the sun, and water. This one is also done in chalk.





batik sunflowerThis prompt was to tear out the page and crumble it up. ¬†I remembered seeing a kid’s art project where the students drew and colored sunflowers with crayon. ¬†They layered the crayon really heavily, then crumpled up the page to create the creases. ¬†The pictures were flattened again and painted over with black paint. ¬†The excess paint was wiped off before it dried ¬†onto the wax, which created a really cool batik look. ¬†I thought this was the perfect place to try it myself. ¬†Here is the result. (sorry for the blurry pic. ¬†I didn’t realize how bad it was until I saw it on my monitor. ¬†I will take a better one tomorrow).



rip it to stripsFinally, this page was a white page with dotted lines. ¬†The prompt was to tear it into strips. ¬†I wanted to color it first, so I did. ¬†The following page instructs you to glue, staple, or tape the two pages together. ¬†I sprayed the bottom half of that page with adhesive and stuck the strips to it. ¬†I had intended to keep them flat, but the unruly strips had other plans… I just went with it.


If you have not seen these books around yet, I suggest looking them up. ¬†If you are like I was and hesitant because they seemed “stupid” I suggest taking another look. ¬†It give you the chance to be creative, messy, inspiring, social, destructive, and experimental all at once. ¬†If you are not quite sure what to do for any one prompt, just set it aside. ¬†There is no set order to go through the pages, and you can choose to do what it asks, or ignore it and do something different. ¬†Play around, have fun, and try not to judge what you do.

Most people will only publicise the more interesting pages they did, but I will try to keep a balanced log. ¬†I think I may also end up creating my own version that has more of a therapeutic spin to it (maybe something along the lines of a journal version of the 100-theme challenge). Wreck This Journals do have maybe 5 more-introspective prompts, but I think the concept leans towards the creative process rather than any introspection. ¬†It is pretty much the surface aspects of art therapy in a book, but I would want one that entices me to dig a little deeper about stuff… and maybe something that has paper made for art. ¬†The stuff used for this book is pretty porous, which leads to a lot of bleed-though. Being a perfectionist and rather anal about my pages all being useful, this bothers me a bit (though I’m working on accepting the “mess” of it all).

Translations from the dark side

Why is it that something genuinely supportive and helpful comes off as condescending and invalidating? What lens do I put on that turns all the nice into hate? I know my stress is skyrocketing, and that the depression is creeping back in. I guess that’s the lens right there: depression. I had reached out to someone in hopes of finding support, but all I read from their response was how wrong I was doing things, how deliberately miserable I am, and how inadequate I am. In actuality, their response was uplifting, supportive, positive, and understanding.¬† My head instantly turned that positive into disparaging. Even as I recognize this, my head is battling itself. There’s the side that is berating me for being inadequate and stupid.¬† Then there’s the side of me that is taking the response at face value and trying to convince that other side that it’s reading into things. Depression will do that to you. Self – doubt and self – loathing become a way of life.
So my eyes will read “you’ve had so much success until now, you need to focus on that” and my brain will understand “you worthless piece of shit, you can’t even get recovery right. I told you you’d never amount to anything more that a useless waste of space. People tell you all the time to focus on the positive, but all you do is choose to be miserable. You’re a horrid person. You deserve everything you get and then some” (note here that a simple line of text has been translated into a tirade of the self…).

I’m writing this and the voice in my head is reminding me how stupid I have become. This is all stuff I should already know. It’s not supposed to be such a revelation… when I try to change the voice, it gets louder, then more sly when the loud doesn’t work.¬† It rationalizes the negative self-talk and starts whispering little doubts “you have been really off lately,” “you’re such a flake , the driving is getting bad,” “pretty soon you’ll be completely worthless in everything”… it makes the negative sound like logical conclusions. It plants seeds of doubt “everyone can see you’re crazy. It’s written all over you.¬† Why do you think you can’t get a job?” “Even if you did land one, they’d notice the crazy and find a reason to fire you if you don’t end up walking out first because you can’t take it”

We went to a volunteer meeting tonight at the nature center. We got hugs from people we hadn’t seen in a while, and all I could think was that they were pity hugs. Like they knew I was crazy and wanted to pat me on the head for making it out anyway but figured a hug would be less condescending… I know they are all about the hugs anyway, but my head screamed at me that they knew and just felt sorry for me.

Mental illness, self-doubt, and self loathing have a way of turning even the most positive interactions into something terrible. I wonder how much of my therapy is viewed this way.¬† I know the obvious ones, but what about the things that don’t necessarily hit my awareness? What about everyday encounters? What if everyone is really a wonderful person and it’s all just me that views them as hating me? I know I really dislike spending time with G. L pointed it out that my disdain for him was very evident earlier today.¬† I tried to be nicer when we got back home, but I have a lot of work to do on that front. He may be a perfectly wonderful person these days (ok, that’s an exaggeration. He may be at least tolerable), but I only see him through these angry glasses. Everything he says and does I interpret to be mean and hateful so I respond in kind. Then I feel bad for being an asshole. The cycle begins again. I’m once again battling the translation of simple words. I’m twisting what I’m saying to prove to myself how worthless and horrid I am. I just don’t know how to stop it.¬† There’s only so much arguing one can do with oneself before a splitting headache ensues. I think it’s once again time for sleep.

emotional chameleon

It’s finally rubbed off on me today, I am as angry/cranky as my mom was all day. ¬†I hate when I let her mood get to me, but some days it’s SO hard to keep her negativity at bay. ¬†This morning, it took her less than 15 minutes to start yelling at the dogs. ¬†She didn’t stop yelling at them (or something else, or nothing) except when she was out of the house briefly to do some shopping. ¬†She’s also really mean to them. ¬†I’m glad they don’t understand her words too well. ¬†She’s just cruel with some of the things she says, and I really don’t think she puts it together (how awfully mean she sounds)… Hearing it all day gets to me. ¬†It makes me feel worthless (because I’m sure she would say the same things to me if I were around to pester her), and it reinforces that even the smallest needs are a burden and huge inconvenience. ¬†She curses them when they want attention, or food, or to go outside. ¬†She ignores the puppy’s signals that he needs to go out to pee, then she blows up when he pees in the house. ¬†When I spend too much time around her like that, I absorb all her spewing negativity. ¬†I wish I knew how to turn that off…

I try hard not to be angry. ¬†I try to stifle it as best I can because I NEVER want to be my father (or my mother apparently). ¬†I never want to instill fear in people, or worthlessness, or shame, or any number of other things. ¬†When I catch myself angry, the self-deprecating tapes start. ¬†I know I should be challenging them, but I find little compassion for myself (and it’s really difficult to dig it up when I’m this moody). ¬†All I can think of is how awful I felt and feel when I am around people who seep anger. ¬†I feel bad about being one of those people, and I start to call myself stupid and worthless and hurtful and any number of other negative, hateful terms… It’s so hard to turn that off.

Have you ever noticed how some topics span different occasions? ¬†Writing about the negative tapes in my head, I was reminded that both De and J mentioned challenging those voices. ¬†J wants L & I to try to keep a tally of how many times we start being mean to ourselves. ¬†She also wants us to call each other out on it. ¬†De had said that I need to start changing what I tell myself with those voices. ¬†I know neither talked to the other, but both are on the same page. ¬†I guess it goes along with the topics we bring up in therapy. ¬†Apparently my negative self-talk (and L’s) was brought up in sessions this week (I think L even talked to her therapist about it)…

Another thing that comes up when I am angry is the urge to self-harm. ¬†It’s a release for it, and dissipates it faster than anything else. ¬†I know I can’t, but the urges are there…