Defenses and how they can be a real pain in the butt sometimes

So, I had therapy today.  It started out Ok.  I took my box project in and we talked about it.  It was a perfect segway for her topic, so it worked out.  Only part way through, my mind went blank. I couldn’t remember what the elements of the box meant.  I could not give her any specifics or tell her even the ball-park of what they represented.  We then moved on to her topic: tell her what some of that stuff is that I never manage to talk about.  My brain panicked further and I suddenly couldn’t think about anything at all. We were in the art room, and she asked if I could draw it out. I sat staring at the paper.  She nailed my emotion when she called it “freaking out.” So we changed the assignment to what it felt like in the moment, and what would be needed to feel safe enough to talk about that stuff. That was also difficult, but we talked through it. I managed to start drawing stuff. Part-way through the drawing, I paused.  She took that time to wrap up.  I felt lost and totally vulnerable, as we had not talked about the rest of the stuff that came up.  I didn’t have the courage to bring up what came popping into my head, and time was up.  I left feeling really vulnerable and small.  I sat in the parking lot journaling for an hour… I toyed with going back in, or calling her for support (or at least have help putting some of the vulnerability away). I ended up going home without asking for more support, but agonized over all of it the whole  rest of the day.  I wrote some stuff to De, and more came out than I intended.  It actually made things a bit easier, as I think that was the stuff struggling to surface in session today. I left her a message tonight telling her of it, and asking if she had extra time to talk about it, or at least help me box it back up till next Friday. She won’t get it till tomorrow, but that’s ok.  I really didn’t want to speak with her because I knew I would lose what it was I intended to say (she had answered the last few times I had called when I only wanted to leave a message). I’m kinda hoping she at least has time to talk a bit over the phone tomorrow so I don’t completely lose my connection to what came up today. I dunno.  We will see.

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