… and it’s not what you may think: I told my wife that I had actually seriously considered giving up our little dog on more than one occasion. The people who know me in real life would know how incredibly out of character this admission is, but the rest of you may not quite get the full impact. My animals are my children, and my dogs are held highest of all of them. My little dog (we shall call him “Fred” to protect his real identity) is joined at the hip to my lab. He would not know how to survive without her (he is a totally different dog when he is separated from her, shaking and moping even when it’s just for a few hours). When he’s near her though, he is a little punk. He has been known to kill cats, and will try for the kill any chance he gets. We had managed to get that under a measure of control a while ago, but he’s back to his antics again (totally our fault). Recently, out large male cat has decided to move in with a couple at the other end of the neighborhood. We think this is because a few weeks ago, Fred managed to slip between my legs and chase the cat, most likely cornering him and hurting him in some way. After that incident, the cat refused to return to the house. Today, we had to go pick him up after the couple trapped him in their garage. I feel bad for him (and our other cats). They are social. They miss spending time with us. They miss the cuddles, and so do I. I really love Fred, but he’s such a pain in the butt. I won’t actually move to give him up (I would also be forced to give up the lab who happens to be my favorite dog), but I just need to remind myself that consistency matters a lot, especially with Fred. There are some dogs you can be more lax with, but then there are the ones that will become a menace if allowed to take any hint of leadership. Sadly, we give Fred a lot of room to walk all over us. I need to remember what my trainer friend told me and keep him on a short leash (figuratively).
Knowing that I admitted out loud that I have considered re-homing Fred has messed with my head a bit. Like I said, my dogs are my kids. To seriously think of giving one up has only ever been admitted when I was suicidal. I have moved more times than I can count to be able to keep my pets. I have bent over backwards and given up a lot to have them in my life. To know I actually thought of re-homing that little punk because he upsets the rest of the family dynamic has my head spinning…There’s a voice in my head screaming at me; telling me I’m worthless and useless and I just don’t care. There’s judgement beyond belief for even having the thoughts. There’s fear and resentment, and there’s anger. The anger comes not only from what other people think of all the animals, but also from my changing attitudes. They still fill a void, but I’m finding that they also create a whole lot of drama. My depression makes it hard to motivate to do anything beyond the basics for them. They are going stir-crazy, and we are all slacking on the training (especially for the puppy). I find myself becoming angry at them for misbehaving when it’s all my fault for not being consistent and giving them what they need. I’m turning more and more into my father, and I hate myself for it…
I look around myself and see all this material crap that I really don’t want anymore. It feels like all of this is weighing me/us down. I wish I didn’t waste money on a lot of this crap. I wish I didn’t have piles and piles of “junk” lying around… I wish I had motivation to take care of things. And I wish I knew how to remember to save money. The animals need more flea stuff, and they need to get out of the house. If I had the money, I would have gotten the puppy training also. There are a bunch of behaviors I just don’t know how to tackle anymore, nor do I have the energy to try. The same with Fred. And I hate myself a lot. I know I made this commitment to them, but I’m not following through… I know the steps to take for some of it, but the energy and motivation disappear quickly. The more I fall into the cycle of wanting to do things but failing, then being hard on myself for it, the more I just feel like crap about everything. I start spiraling down a litany of things that I see wrong with myself: my weight, my social life, my motivation, my lack of working, my self-worth, my worth to others… De is right that I get trapped in my thinking and it just makes everything worse. But then there’s that tiny voice in my head that whispers possible solutions… Maybe it’s time to start with baby steps to fix things…
both sides of the wall 