Friday’s session was weird. I felt like I was being lectured by my mom again, so i just tuned De out and smiled & nodded when she asked what I thought about what she said. I just didn’t feel like I needed it from her too. I wasn’t quite able to figure all that out until just now, but I know while she was talking I stopped listening deliberately (not in a dissociative way).
I already feel like crap about being on disability, I don’t need to feel like crap about making myself feel like crap. She was saying that I let myself get lost in the philosophical stuff and not enjoy the moment even when the moment’s good. I know i do that to a degree, but I also feel pretty strongly that sometimes depression is just depression and no amount of thinking positive helps it. I felt like she was just telling me how lazy I am and how I want to feel depressed all the time. They were not the words she used, but it’s the message that came across.
Just the day before with J we had talked about L’s resentment over me not working, and how I feel equally bad about not being productive. Then De manages to make the topic about finding things to be productive with, and not being such a loser (again, not her words, but what i heard). I dunno. It has me back to having my defenses up and not wanting to talk to her about anything.
I think I’m also wearing thin on this holiday b.s. and trying to keep things positive and happy when L is having such a hard time. I just wish I could help make it better for her. I hate feeling so helpless and useless. At least if I had a job, i could get extra hours enough to fly her home for the holiday. I know that would at least ease some of her sadness. But I can’t do that. I only get a check once a month, and while it’s really good, it’s not good enough to get her home. Another year gone by. We were supposed to be back up North by now. We were supposed to have our shit together by now. Things were supposed to be different…
I’m sure this is the line of thought De meant when she droned on and on about getting lost in the negative. Sometimes you have to get lost there though, to be able to figure out how to move forward. She had also said something about just making a decision to move forward from the past without having to necessarily processes it first. I wish I could do that, but it hasn’t worked out all that well so far… when I told her my doubts about voicing my experiences to her, all I really wanted to hear was that it will get better. Instead, I got lectured about allowing myself to feel shitty and not moving on fast enough. Some days I feel like I can’t win, even when I think I finally find support. Maybe mom was right all along: you can’t trust anyone else to help you out, there’s only you. (L may be the only exception to that rule, and I really hope I don’t mess that up with my stupidity).
I did not realize this only saved as a draft last night, I had meant to publish it.
On another note: earlier today, a blog I follow had a new post for the first time in almost a year. Strangely enough, I related to it quite well… Dr. Doyle talked about how sometimes clients go into a particular session talking about “little picture” stuff just to get through it so they can again focus on the “big picture” topics of therapy. He also talked about being able to tell your T to “stop” when things are being misunderstood or when we simply need to be heard and not necessarily re-directed. I think that was more of what was going on for me on Friday with De, only I am not at a place within myself to be able to tell her simply to “stop” when she’s droning on… It’s coincidental that he posted this today, as I was planning on talking to De about all this on Tuesday. I have yet to get to a point where I can tell her in-the-moment what I need or want, but we are working towards that.