Tag Archives: can’t think

an end date…

There was so much I wanted to talk to TM about today, but none of it made it to my lips…

We did talk a bit about last week’s confession around how shitty I’m feeling. We also tried to brainstorm some stuff to give me structure. Well, ok, TM tried to brainstorm. I was having trouble focusing. They moved to the new office over the weekend. I guess today was their first day open at the new location. Nothing was ready. I almost wish TM would have just rescheduled me either to later in the day, or another day. It would have sucked, and I would have felt like shit, but it would have been more productive than today. I guess we were productive for stuff on her end, but not on mine. I kept paying attention to all the noises elsewhere in the office. And the room we were in reminded me very much of a hospital… I hope next week it will be more settled.

She kept trying to tell me it was ok to ask for more support. She talked a bit about the various therapeutic programs and how they took a while to get into. She mentioned some volunteering. I just couldn’t concentrate on what she was saying.  We determined that our last session would be June 23rd…

I kept wanting to wheel myself out of the room (we were both in rolling desk chairs). It looked and felt too much like a locked unit. I kept worrying that I wouldn’t be allowed to leave. Rationally, I know that wouldn’t have happened, but it triggered the fear in me. I wasn’t able to put together that I was triggered till long after I left her. I just knew that in the office, I kept pushing myself and my chair as far back as possible, and I was scared of TM. I wanted to reach beside me and open the door, but I kept thinking it was locked. It felt like TM was matching my discomfort because her chair was all the way back against her wall also. I’m not totally sure if she realized that, or if it happened by accident. I kept waiting for the conversation to turn to me needing a higher level of care, and then being hospitalized. It didn’t happen, but part of me was surprised to have walked out at the end of session. It’s not even like I mentioned safety concerns to her, we actually talked about how much better I have been handling this than in the past. It was just that the room looked so much like a locked mental health unit, I couldn’t pull out of the fear…

I think we may have talked about other things too, but I’m not sure what. Maybe those things took up the whole session time. I know I wanted to tell her some of the stuff flying around in my head. I wasn’t sure how to get them past my lips. I wanted to hand her some of the stuff I had been meaning to give her for the past 2 weeks. I wanted to talk a bit about the support forum. I wanted to talk to her about my experience talking to a friend about some of the stuff TM and I have been covering. None of it squeaked out. None of it made it through the panic.

I kept apologizing for being a pain in the ass. She asked again what made me think I was being annoying. I tried to convey that I had answers, but couldn’t find them in the moment, and that is what I thought would annoy her. I couldn’t get past the internal panic though… I kept giving her “I don’t know” because I couldn’t access the answers in my own head. I couldn’t “act as if”. I couldn’t function… I tried to think whether or not I would be annoyed at a client if they presented like I did. I landed on “no”, but I also could not then translate that to apply to myself. I tried to tell her my self-esteem and lack of self-worth didn’t allow me to move out of that head-space, but it all sounded like jargon to me. I imagined her thinking how annoying I was, how frustrating and resistant and willful I was being, and that if I could just stop being that way, we could get somewhere. I tried again to gain an outside perspective, but I still couldn’t apply my own patience with others to myself. Who am I to warrant any compassion? (At the time, a combination of speaking with a DBT clinician and multiple hospital experiences were crowding my head. I remembered being blamed for not trying hard enough, for not being able to use my skills, for being resistant and willful and deliberately sabotaging my recovery because I was stubborn. I couldn’t separate it from the experience of speaking with TM in the present. I couldn’t look at her, and in my head she looked like the DBT clinician L)…

I did manage to tell her about the line of thinking that allowed me to see some smidge of self-worth last week, and how I kept going back to it to try to get through the weekend. Even as the words left my mouth though, they felt stupid and contrived. I was suddenly reacting to her like I would have G. I was afraid that if I said the wrong thing in the wrong way, or because I wasn’t calling her the most intelligent and worthwhile person on the planet, I was being disrespectful. I didn’t attribute all of my change in thinking to her though. I told her of the success and quietly waited for her to blow up at me… Again, the full realization that I was triggered and responding to the past rather than TM or the moment only hit me long after I left.

We set up a time to check in on Thursday. I protested about being bothersome, so she was going to leave it up to me to call if I needed, but I was able to tell her that I would prefer having something scheduled. I told her I would probably agonize over calling her then end up not deeming anything worthy of bothering her for. She said we would schedule it and she would call Thursday… She left an invitation open for me to call tomorrow too if I feel I need it. I instantly shook my head. That would be too much of an imposition to be able to agree to. Though thinking about it now, I may leave her a message hoping it lessens the anxiety. I would like to be able to let her in on what went on for me today without wasting too much session time.

Even writing about it all is triggering a lot of anxiety and fear. I really hope next week feels different. It will be more than a week for settling in (because of the holiday next week), so I really hope they get things decorated and set up better. And I really hope TM’s office doesn’t feel as triggering as the random room we were in today. When I speak with her on Thursday, I should remember to ask if it would be ok for me to leave her a message over the weekend to help get through it. I know she won’t be there or anything, and I wouldn’t expect a return call. It just sometimes helps to leave her messages.

 

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my brain feels like cold oatmeal that’s still a bit soggy…

I spent the day running around doing errands. It was really only supposed to be one errand, but it led to others that eventually stole the day away.

Original mission: get silicone lubricant for the pins in the new calipers (mom’s rear brakes were changed by your’s truly and mom & L on Saturday).

I grab one of the dogs (because he has way too much energy and he’s driving everyone nuts) and head out.  I decide to also stop at the pet store (to which I have a free $5), so bringing the dog makes sense.  Ok, quick trip to the auto parts store and the pet store.  I should be home in an hour… or so I thought.  Just a few lights shy of the auto parts store, my car flashes a warning at me saying that my oil levels are dangerously low and I need to turn my car off NOW.  I pull into the parking lot of said parts store and pick up a quart of oil, then ask the lady behind the desk if they have the lubricant I’m looking for.  She shakes her head, and sells me something 5 times as expensive.  I cringe, but go back to the car.  I toss the lubricant into the passenger seat and proceed to add quart of oil to my engine.  I check my dip stick only to find I’m still not registering.  Great.  I need an oil change anyway, so I call my preferred mechanic (15 minutes away) to make sure they have time to fit me in.  Yes.  I pop in the pet store along the way to get what I need (forgetting that the same chain has a store less than a mile past my mechanic on the way home… oh well).  I get what I need and the puppy and I head off to get the oil changed.  It takes 20 minutes to get there, then the puppy and I wait an hour for them to finish (meanwhile puppy starts chewing the furniture in the waiting room, so I take him for a quick walk down the street).  We return in time to pay and leave.  While there however, I had asked the mechanic what they used for the lubricant.  He tells me that the woman at the parts store sold me something that is pretty useless anywhere on the car but the calipers.  He suggests I check out another store for the right stuff.  I stop there on the way home to return the horrendously expensive lube I originally purchased, and pick up the “complete brake kit” they happen to have on sale for less than half the cost of the lube (packet of lube included as well as brake fluid and brake cleaner).  I have brake fluid at home, but if it means buying all three things for $2 more than the lube alone, I bite.  The puppy and I head for home.

Once home, the puppy is occupied with telling the other dogs of his adventures in the last few hours.  Mom, L and I head outside to “bleed” the brake fluid from the car.  Tire one done without a hitch.  I move on to tire 2 only to find that the caliper is spewing brake fluid all over the place (it’s pretty corrosive stuff once it touches air).  It has stripped the coating off the inside of mom’s tire hub, started to melt the rubber on the shocks, and is in the process of eating away at the first layer of anti-corrosive on the axle and rest of the brake assembly.  I have L call our “car” friend for tips.  We try a bunch of things only to find that the re-manufactured caliper I installed is defective.  Great.  I also ask him how to clean up the brake fluid from the rest of the car to avoid damage.  He says all I need is to spray it with some brake cleaner (serendipitously picked up earlier today) to neutralize it, then wipe the excess off.  Yay! one thing I can fix immediately.

I leave mom babysitting the car and tools outside while L and I go to exchange the caliper at the closest store.  When I get there, I am told they do not have any more in stock.  I am given the address to another “local” store that has the part.  L and I drive off (my car had mentioned I was low on fuel earlier this afternoon, but I had forgotten to stop at the time.  now she’s blinking and throwing up the “low fuel” warning again.  We make it to the next store.  I exchange the faulty caliper.  I also want to buy new brake line bolts for both the rear brakes.  This store only has one, but I can buy 2 and pick the second one up at another of their stores. Ok… I make the purchase and L and I are off again.  We drive to the 3rd auto parts store of the trip (my 5th for the day) to pick up the bolts.  It just so happens that we are now on the perfect heading for picking up fries at Five Guys and getting gas at the cheaper station. Yay!  We do all that and get home in time to see the car bathed in total darkness.  Brakes will have to be finished tomorrow I guess.  I had started my “quick” errands at noon today, and am finally home by 7pm… So much for doing anything else.

This continued trouble-shooting with car repairs has my brain turned to mush.  While it was a fun challenge at the start, I kinda just want to pull all my hair out at this point.  I would hand it off to someone else to finish if I knew of any such person.  Alas, I have no cash for a professional, and know no one in the area that could finish the job.   It lands all back on me, mom & L. Fun. (not).  HOPEFULLY there will be no more snags in the process and mom’s car will once again be driveable by tomorrow afternoon… I’m really hoping.

I have had plenty to help me distract though.  I have not yet once thought about the things De has wanted me to tackle this week (oops!), and my defenses remain in place.  I’m not really interested in having the conversation with L about my fears.  It all leaves me wondering why I am in therapy at the moment.  I think I am trying to run away from it all.  It’s scary stuff that I do not want to face, but know I have to face.  Maybe this week can be spent talking to De about some of the fears.  While I don’t necessarily have to talk to L about it, I could set up my session to focus on that and get somewhere with De on it.  I don’t want to give in to the fear that has had me give up every time so far.  It has always ended in disaster in the long run.  I want to finally push through my defenses and actually make progress with it all. I don’t want to let this trip me up again…  Maybe if I can finally get the brakes done tomorrow, I will have some brain power left to do some meaningful (expressive) art.  It’s not that the rest of my art is not meaningful, it’s just that lately it’s all been coloring or scribbling or meaningless doodles.  I want to be able to get some of this trapped stuff out at least through my creative side.  I hate that it’s all trapped in the sponge of my brain… It’s only going to grow moldy there until it gets too big for itself and spills out again.  Most of the “spillage” happens in violent and (physically & emotionally) traumatizing ways.  We all deserve better than that…

till the next water-logged-sponge blog, hope you all have a great night and a wonderful day!


My head is numb. Thoughts are not forming. It feels like cotton is the only thing filling the cavity where by brain should be. I want to be creative, but nothing comes. I want to pay attention to anything, but I can’t get past the “cotton”… and I’m cranky. I’m not sure why, but it’s here. It hit hard and fast. I really dislike all of this. And I wish I knew what was going on. Is this the benadryl after-effects? Is it my lack of sleep catching up to me? Ugh.