Tag Archives: exhausted

Brain fog 

My head is in a complete fog, and I have no energy. I think it’s because my body is fighting off some ailment. L had a wicked stomach bug this weekend, and others I know have had the flu or respiratory things… I’m just hoping I make it through without succumbing to anything…

Last session, we were taking about the extent of my dissociation (when it happens), and ways to try to pool the knowledge from the various emotional states. Dr C suggested trying to “bring all the emotional states together, like at a conference table”… I had trouble wrapping my head around that concept, but I think it was mostly being uncomfortable with the conference table idea. The more I sat with the concept this weekend, the more I was able to ease into the idea. Though I switched the thought of a board room to the concept of a living room, it’s kinda sounding more possible. I’m not sure if I can make it happen, but I was able to doodle out what the different emotions look like, and to write out what I think of when I think of them… they kinda have personal appearances, though they are not actually totally seperate entities… I understand then as all just different emotional states, and can notice when I “slip into” the different mind sets, well, for most of them. There’s two that feel like completely seperate characters. While I’m consciously aware of feeling different in the others, and can access what it feels like to be, say, the brooding teenager, there are two kids whose heads I can’t get into. Those I walled-off more efficiently than the others…

I’ve always felt like my head was set up kinda like a house, with doors that closed to each room. When I was in one room, I was totally in that room. I had knowledge of the existence of the other rooms, but I couldn’t tell what was going on there, nor did I have efficient working memory of what may have happened when I wasn’t in a particular room… More recently (like the past decade or so), it’s been closer to different characters in each room; like an actor slipping into different roles in different sets. The two “kids” are different actors though…

I dunno where I was going with that. Brain fog offs moving back in…

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D.E.S. results chat

Talked to Dr C about the results from the assessment, and I took it again with her. I scored a 44 this time… we looked up the scoring; doesn’t look like you can score much higher than a 50… I’m not DID though, so…? I dunno. 

I had questioned how reliable my self-report could be if my score changed so much in just a day. I questioned if maybe I was exaggerating things on the questionnaire. She said that it sounded more like I was trying to downplay my experiences (I was talking to her about a few of the questions).  I have trouble quantifying my experiences, so I’m not sure I answer the same way each time. She said that the test was statistically quite accurate and reliable. She also mentioned that one of the underpinnings of dissociation is not being able to remember the act of dissociating. So, I guess that’s another check in the “you’re really fucked up chicky-do” column… :/

She asked if I was worried about a DID diagnosis. I reflexively answered “no” because I don’t see it as that bad & because I’ve seen DDNOS on my records, so others don’t think it’s that bad. I think I’ve talked to her another time about it also, and I think I remember ruling out DID, so there’s that… but on the way home, I kinda panicked about whether her thoughts on it were evolving to lean more towards that diagnosis. I just text her asking if she was seeing DID. I’m not sure she will answer that through text or not, but as long as we address it at some point, I think I’ll feel better about it. 

I know my dissociation can be severe at times because I’ve completely lost days, weeks, and even months in the last decade. I guess I just don’t think it’s that severe all the time. I don’t see too much evidence pointing to DID other than L’s frustration around never knowing what to expect from me in terms of likes and dislikes…

We chatted more about dissociation and the functions of it. We talked about other coping skills for handling the body sensations and the flashbacks. I think she kinda came to the conclusion that even my healthier coping skills utilize dissociation to a degree. We talked about the writing and the art, and how I often don’t really remember what was created. We did differentiate the “flow” of creating vs more dissociative aspects of it. I think with both the art and the writing, part of the creative process is having no real direction and letting the piece take over its own evolution. It’s when I can’t recall writing something (like a blog entry) or creating something, that the dissociation plays a bigger role in that coping strategy… there are definitely some things I have to look at over and over again because they seem familiar, but I don’t connect to having made them.

Dr C commented that dissociation, especially such intense dissociation, takes a lot of energy. I countered that it’s actually the least draining of my coping skills, but now that I think about it, I wonder if that contributes to the constant exhaustion. I know some of it is the depression, but maybe she’s right; maybe the dissociation is exhausting as well. 


Where did I leave off?

Let’s see, what have you missed out on?

I’m still having a rough time. I still really just want to cry but can’t seem to. I’m still not sleeping all that well…

I’ve also been creatively dry lately. I participated in an art journal page supply swap, and felt like I was kicking and screaming my way through it. I did most of a page around what I received, but it still needs work.

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I tried working more on a small mixed media piece that I started a while back. I had overdone the silver foil when I added it; It took over the whole painting. I tried to balance it with some steampunk-style, but now I’m feeling the focal image is completely lost. I dunno. It’s definitely something to keep working on.

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Other than that, I’m creatively stalled.

Outside of art, I’m finding the repercussions of wanting to help people out are again causing more stress than happiness. Several weeks ago, I had suggested to someone I could bring something back for her from across the country because, at the time, I thought I could make that trip easier than I actually can… least week, she asked if I was still open to picking up her purchase. I said yes thinking I was doing this trip at my pace. Unfortunately, between work constraints and the preferences of others involved, the trip has been pushed up to the end of this week instead of the beginning of May. That leaves me reeling on a few levels: money is a HUGE issue for this trip. At the time I quoted the person a cost, I was expecting to have more cash at my disposal. I only quoted half the cost of the trip, but that leaves me having to pay the other half, which I don’t really think I can afford right now.
It will also be hugely emotionally draining to go back. I’m going by myself. The whole 2-day drive will be on my shoulders both ways. There’s no one to talk to, or to switch off driving with… and I’m going back to the place that had me so triggered for the last 2.5 years.

Why did I agree to this again on this time-frame?

I hate that my insane push to help out and to please people pushes me into situations I should have thought harder about. It is what I tend to do at work and in my personal life: I push myself way past my own limits until it ends up backfiring… when will I finally learn this lesson?

Oh, I had mentioned the pattern of March being difficult seemingly every year to Dr C during last session. We brainstormed a bunch of ideas, but none seemed to feel like they fit. Maybe it’s just a rough month for no real reason…


Verge of tears (what’s with March?)

They’re right there. I can feel them threatening to erupt at any moment. But they never get past the gatekeepers of my eyes…

Talked way too much in group today. I took up too much time. They didn’t seem to outwardly mind though…and it helped the overwhelm a bit.

I wish I could cry; either salty or red, but something would be an improvement over all this stuffing… I’m so tired…

Is this a pattern? Do I always start a descent around February/March? When I was going to school, the breakdown started around this time of year. When I was down south, it was about this time of year that things would get really difficult… what’s the significance though? There are no anniversaries or major life events that I can point to. July is an easy one: K’s death, my first suicide attempt… even October/November is understandable with the start of the full holiday push. But March I don’t get. There’s nothing going on this month. Nothing happened in March. Why do I seem to struggle more during this month? I’ll have to bring it up to Dr C and ask if she has any theories.

In the mean time, gotta keep fighting through the days. Hope it doesn’t put too much strain on L & I (we’re both struggling in our own right, and it’s starting to show wear on the relationship. Nothing huge and life-changing, but enough to have us both testy and snippy with each other… resentments abound on both sides, though I’m not sure how fair either is).

I wish I could cut. Baring that, I wish I could cry. I’m so glad I have tomorrow off and to myself. Maybe I’ll be able to recharge a bit. I wasn’t feeling totally social today, but I went to my friend’s anyway hoping to just be able to sit and “be” outside of the apartment… she didn’t tell me she had company over though, so that failed… L and I are still touchy and talking it out over text (we seem to do better that way), but she’s also not feeling well. Took nyquil tonight and was out like a light before I got back…

I’m just so tired…


Exhausted

A lot of factors are playing into my mood, mostly the effects of insomnia and a packed schedule…

I’m starting to notice that any time I don’t wholeheartedly agree with Dr C, I feel like I need to apologize profusely and agree to think about what she’s saying in an effort to agree with her. I’m starting to become aware that this is a pattern in the entirety of my life. I worry that the person will be mad at me and I will get in trouble (especially if the person is perceived to have any power over me). With Dr C, I’m hearing echos of not only my dad, but also all the previous providers that have admonished me for not simply acquiescing to whatever suggestions they make. It’s not that Dr C has ever acted like that, but all the past experiences push in on me and I panic that I will get in trouble…

I’m also still really struggling with the effects of last Monday’s therapy session. This Monday, she went over some of it with me. I still couldn’t really connect to the experience. I feel like I wasn’t that present at all this past session. I can’t really remember much of it other than the medication conversation we had (where I disagreed  with her suggestion to try them again). I feel like I should go against my gut and try them again. Maybe this time there would be something that would work? Or maybe this time the impulses would finally become too overwhelming and I’d succeed in the self destruction. I’m not suicidal, but part of me is really tired of the constant struggle. If something happens, then something happens…

Depression is a bitch. It permeates every aspect of my life all the time. A lot of times it’s more quiet about it, but a lot of times it’s also overwhelming. Ideally, I would like to leave it behind and be able to enjoy my life without that constant shadow. The trauma work Dr C and I are doing is helping (so much of the depression is driven by the past). I’m just not sure it’s possible to leave it behind forever. I know people say the depression doesn’t stay horrible forever. I get that it moves in waves, but I wonder how many people can comprehend how utterly unbearable it is when it hits. It’s not simply a lull in life, it’s a loss of all hope and all ability to see any glimmer of true joy. I can smile. I can see happiness in tiny moments. It just hurts so much when it hits. It’s like living with horrific burns all over and knowing you have to live in excruciating pain indefinitely… it sucks, and that’s an immense understatement…

On the plus side, I don’t have much time to myself this week. Dr C suggested I not spend time alone. By coincidence, I work 4 days at the kennel, and we have plans all weekend. I’m also helping my niece with some work over the weekend. The most I’ll be alone all week is Friday when I get a day off from everything… I’m exhausted, but having expectations prevents the self-destruct urges from getting too overwhelming.

Dr C had suggested the triggering and overwhelm are because we are moving too fast in therapy. I’m not really sure how to slow down. The memories and flashbacks come whether or not we cover them in therapy. At least it’s safer to be triggered there than it is randomly at home or at work. At least in session we can talk about what’s coming up. Between sessions, it’s so much more overwhelming…


Invisible depression

It’s that weird “not depressed but depressed” depression variety. I want to cry for no reason (not even feeling sad). I have very little motivation. I’m exhausted all the time, but can’t sleep. I don’t want to interact with anyone…
There’s no sadness though. There’s no hopelessness (at least not overt). It’s just a lack of anything even remotely enjoyable.

At least I was able to admit it in group today. I had hoped to talk more about it, but again my head was wiped clean as soon as I walked through the door to the office building. I couldn’t think of what to say. I couldn’t talk about the journal or the recent increase in triggers. It’s so frustrating. It felt as instant and complete as when you shake a messy etch-a-sketch… I guess I should write things down for Monday.


Woke up too early

Yesterday after work, I came home and promptly fell asleep (in the middle of texting a friend!).  I slept hard for 2.5 hours, and really didn’t want to wake up at the point I did. I forced myself all the way awake though, and headed out to run some quick errands. 4 hours later, I had picked L up from work, we had dinner out, and returned home. We watched a few episodes of Nurse Jackie, then both of us crawled into bed…

I awake at 4:29 to one of the cats making a lot of noise. I had expected to fall back asleep, but I guess the earlier nap has thrown me off again. It’s now 6 am and I’m still wide awake.

It’s been over a month now that I can’t sleep well. My body and brain are exhausted most of the time, but it doesn’t seem to help. At least I’m getting some sleep though. I get about 4-6 hours a night. It’s still manageable. I just wish it were more.

L took a 3 day weekend (a first since my move back up here). Our plans are simply to do whatever we want… now if only I could sleep through the night 😉