Missing people & vulnerability

Suddenly missing De a lot.  I think it might have to do with recently being asked to submit art for a domestic violence awareness exhibit next month…

It’s a weird feeling; missing someone who played a really significant role in your life, but who you will never see again.

My train of thought then flips to TM, who I also miss. I could probably call her though. I could get away with some form of connection by listening to her outgoing voice mail greeting (wouldn’t presume to cross boundaries by actually calling when she could pick up).

Going to see Dr C in a few minutes. Bringing in my inside out box to show her. Not quite sure why it’s something I want to show her at the moment, but likely has to do with missing De… also with feeling very vulnerable lately. I dunno.

Vulnerable and overly emotional for no real reason. Trying to figure out if there’s an anniversary of any sort coming up (or recently passed), but nothing significant comes to mind. The closest I can think of is that this time of year was when I started talking to De about Duckboy details (should never have done that, it helped burn her out)… two years ago this month was the first time I every shared any of what he did… the memories of what I went through with him feel fake also (unless they are intruding upon my body). Maybe I’m just exaggerating everything…

The little kid inside is out…

exhausted

today has been so exhausting. while I did finally figure out that I was having flashbacks in my sleep, I had trouble shaking the emotional aftermath of them. then something I knew was coming eventually (but wasn’t sure when) was finalized: one of the snakies has been sold and is off to his new home. I had him for 2 years and 4 days. I know it’s something that needs to be done, but it doesn’t make it easier…

i’m so tired, yet I am afraid to go to bed. I don’t want more flashbacks. there’s little I can do during a dream to stop them or change them or deal with them (I have not mastered lucid dreaming). I really want some sleep though. I want to be able to rest.

I see TM tomorrow. we are going to talk more about my disclosure from last week. I’d prefer to be rested and not so raw for that.

no amount of comfort food is filling the hole today…

beary might join me for session tomorrow. i hope TM reacts to her like De did (understand she is there for comfort) rather than as LK-B did (fear that I was headed to the hospital imminently, so helped facilitate the trip).

(random picture from the internet. sadly I didn’t save the link so I don’t know who to credit, but it’s not mine) –>