Lessening the pressure

I’m having such trouble with sleep at night again. I can often fall asleep during the morning hours tho. I guess it’s better than nothing. De has taken to saying “I’ll take what I can get” and it seems to relieve some of the pressure I place on myself with certain things. I think I really like that about her. It helps take away some of the panic about so much “being wrong” at the moment… I think that’s the first time I have been able to internalize her support. Huh. Cool…

She kinda gave me conditional permission to stay in bed for the time being if it means safety; “it’s not ideal and I don’t say that often, but if it means you’re safe, I’ll take what I can get.” It’s kinda sad that we are at that point, but I’m glad the outside pressure is less from her. I get a lot of it from others and myself. It’s a relief that she can just be supportive right now. I’m also wondering if there is some “reverse psychology” in there. Does giving me permission to do it in the moment help motivate to change the behavior? It certainly lessens the judgement that I’m doing yet another thing wrong, which makes it easier to not be stuck in it as long as if I was constantly worried about screwing everything up… yet another reason I’m glad I’m getting the chance to work with her. 

Maybe I should have looked for a therapist that works a lot with kids a long time ago.  I swear I’m stuck at grade-school-level processing when I am in crisis. It’s nice to have someone be able to know what to do with that.

Insomnia, my old friend…

So, I’ve clicked into “safety” mode.  The depression has taken a back seat and has been replaced by insomnia.  Great.

Heard some more news about my friend. It’s not looking good… I wish I knew better what to do to help support her.

Had therapy today managed to keep it light (unlike last session). We talked about plans to keep busy with while G is here.  We also talked about the mediation walks I’m supposed to be doing.  De said it’s ok to just go and not necessarily follow the prompts, as some of them can be quite overwhelming.  I’m glad I have permission to slack on that a bit.  I feel very overwhelmed by everything and find my brain shutting down when it comes to emotional vulnerability lately. Everything outside of her office comes up blank.  I have not been able to do the homework she had given for the last 3 or 4 sessions.  I hadn’t been able to pull myself into the mediation. I’m finding a huge lack in my ability to express myself or deal with anything.  The lack of sleep certainly does not help, but I think my brain has blown into overload.  I’m hoping that doesn’t spell trouble for after G’s visit… I can’t afford a full-on crash.

Also, we have a rental for the weekend.  We took the car back to the place that fixed it after the pole incident and they are taking responsibility for the shot alignment and resulting tire damage (I had just dropped $400 on new tires a month before the accident, so they are at most 5 months old and worn to the metal threads on the inside of the back tires.  We are lucky they did not blow out on us). Anyway, the guy is not sure how long the repairs take, but has said he will try to expedite it.  At least they are giving us a rental at their expense for the crappy work they did.  I had even taken it back a week after originally picking it up complaining that the car was all over the road.  They assured me nothing was wrong.  This new manager is saying that the car’s poor handling was a result of the bad alignment. Definitely glad they are fixing it. I can’t afford repairs or more new tires at the moment.

Speaking of money, does anyone have tips for sticking to a budget? Both L and I have been known to shop to help alleviate depression.  It drains the wallet quickly.

I’m thinking I may want to take something to help me sleep.  De reminded me of the importance of good sleep.  She suggested that, while not ideal, at least one night of solid sleep would be beneficial.  I’m thinking she is correct. I just have to get over my aversion to sleep meds.

On a completely random note, it sounds like planes or helicopters are flying overhead like crazy.  This place is normally quiet at night, and the noise is bothersome (especially when insomnia amplifies every sound). I may go outside to see what’s up. Then I shall take the Benadryl when I come back in.