thoughts on today’s session: authenticity

I told TM today that I wasn’t sure if what I remembered happening actually happened. I wish I could remember what she had said in response. I know it was something along the lines of “you wouldn’t have the reactions you do if it wasn’t real…” Something about having the physical reactions I do meaning it’s not just my over-active imagination… but I can’t quite remember what she said.

Only I really don’t want to believe them. I’d much rather they not be true. It would be easier if I was just a really messed-up person with really messed-up fantasies. 😦

I should have remembered it before now, but then again, I don’t remember much of anything…

I managed to tell her how depressed I’ve been. We talked a bit about authenticity and congruencey in life. We came up with a social media analogy: the stuff everyone gets to see is the “Facebook” version of me – the smiles, the functioning, the “I’m fine.” The stuff that is closer to reality is the everything not in the pictures. This is true for everyone, including TM…

 

She was originally just going to check in over the phone, but I told her it was useless: I suck on the phone. So then she offered an additional session… I didn’t like that idea much better either. I know she is busy re-locating her office at the end of this week. She had also suggested that the next session be a “happy” one… I wanted to ask her if she comprehended how invalidating that was after our conversation on being authentic at least in therapy, but I didn’t say anything. I think I’m just going to cancel the additional session and ask if she’s still ok with a check-in call. It’ll just be me saying everything’s fine, but I won’t feel so guilty taking up as much of her time.

I dunno…

I think I just want to hide. If I could spend the next week totally unconscious, that would be fine. I think she was trying to give me permission to hide away for a while, but I didn’t know how to tell her I’ve already been hiding away unless I have to be out of the house for something. It’s not helping me recharge my strength, it just feels safer that way.

________________________________

I called her later and left a message canceling the in-person appointment… I really don’t want to be that bothersome.

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5 responses to “thoughts on today’s session: authenticity

  • skinnyhobbit

    My psych told me something similar too when I worried that I can’t remember details and aren’t sure of details — the emotional experience / emotional SENSE of the memories are very real. You wouldn’t be having those feelings if things didn’t happen. It matters not if it was a red shirt or a blue shirt, for example, but the violation, the pain is real.

    Wishing you peace.

  • alicewithptsd

    I don’t think your therapist thinks you are a bother, but i totally get feeling invalidated when she said the next session should be a happy one. Sometimes, if i have a really rough few sessions, my therapist will suggest we deal with stuff that is “lighter” because she believes no one should be stuck in that bad place for an extended period of time. Maybe that is what your therapist meant, and she just didn’t express it well?
    I hope you can continue being authentic in therapy, even when it feels bad. Give yourself permission to hide out. Be kind to you. You are dealing with so much, its so hard, you deserve a break. Xx

    • Samantha Jane

      That’s probably what she meant… I still panicked lay night and canceled, though it’s not exactly what I want. I just… it’s easier to hide right now and push her away. When I left the vm canceling tomorrow, I told her I’d call to check in like she had originally suggested. I really don’t want to make that call either…
      Part of my worry about being authentic anywhere was the mask of “everything’s fine” was the last thing holding me together. It’s kinda all just falling apart now. SO triggered by everything. Don’t want to admit that to her. So, curling up and hiding is a good option.
      I’m know she won’t call about the cancelation because I said I’d check in tomorrow. I’ll just end up leaving her a vm sometime before she gets into the office, tell her everything’s fine, and I’ll see her next week. It’s technically checking in…
      😦
      Part of me recognizes this as not helpful, but it’s not a big enough part to force change.
      Thanks for reading and responding :hugs:

      • alicewithptsd

        Letting go of that facade does tend to break it all apart. But. In the end I believe and hope that allows us to build something better, something more real. I think it’s okay to hide. I know that feeling well. Just please don’t give up on yourself. Xx

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