kicking self

I ended up cancelling tomorrow’s appointment with TM, and I am kicking myself.

While it decreased the anxiety around taking more than I should, I recognize it’s pushing her away. It’s not really what I want to do, but I’m also not sure I can sit with knowing I would be taking up three time slots this week. I know they are often hard-pressed to offer services to everyone that reaches out to them. I don’t want to take so much more than my share. If I take 2 additional time slots with TM, that’s 2 people still on the waiting list…

She gave me permission to hide in bed for a bit. I’m sure she didn’t mean all week, but whatever works, right?

Curling up, hiding, and ignoring the world…

I’m guessing if I asked for that time slot, I could probably get it back, but I don’t want to keep waffling. I’ll leave her a message tonight sometime after midnight, because then it’s technically Thursday (I had said I would call for a check-in on Thursday). I know she wanted to actually talk to me, but it’s easier to talk to her voice mail. She may be a bit frustrated by that, but I’m working on walls… She’ll probably be more relived that she doesn’t have to waste time on the phone with me.

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