Tag Archives: goodbye

Goodbyes suck

They really do.
That is all…

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That mythical move is actually set to happen

We found a place that will take all of our dogs. The move that was supposed to happen over a year ago is finally happening. As excited as I am to be back with my wife, the reality of the circumstances around the move are hitting hard.

Now comes crunch time. I have to pare down a lifetime of things to fit into 850sqft… and it will take our things 2 weeks to arrive. That means I have to figure out what we absolutely can’t live without for 2 weeks. That also means I have to get L to invest in some larger Tupperware up north because the critter homes will be in transit a lot longer than it will take us all to drive up… this should be “fun”, lol.

I’m still trying to figure out what to write to TM as my goodbye. I’ve not had this much trouble with expressing “thank you & goodbye” in a long time… I’ve started 4 times, and I’ve trashed each one. I’m supposed to have it for tomorrow. Dunno if that’s going to happen. Maybe by next week (our last session), I will have it down.


jewlery-making as distraction

grounding braceletsI made a handful of grounding bracelets today… I started making one for TM, then made another for her and couldn’t decide which I want to give. Then I just kept going. Made 6 in total, and a necklace. I would have made more, but I am out of toggle clasps. Listed everything on etsy except the two choices for TM.

Now that the distractions are up, all I want to do is cry.

Made some progress on the move front yesterday by reserving a pod (so we don’t have to worry about towing our stuff. in the long run, it ends up costing about the same). We have no place to move to, but hopefully the apartment L applied for will be approved with all 3 dogs. If not, we will keep looking… The hope provided by the apartment possibility is wearing off now. The depression is looming huge and dark. I’m so tired of this.

Add to all that now saying goodbye to TM 2 weeks before we had planned and I’m a puddle. I go through the motions. I function (barely), but I’m not feeling anything but heaviness. I guess tomorrow I will call at least one of the three referrals she gave me yesterday. TL might still work there. If she does, and it would be ok, maybe I could see her again till I leave. It would help going back to someone I know even if it’s a different organization.

There’s so much stuff I know I need to do asap around the house, but I just can’t… The little dog is starting to grow dreads. He desperately needs a bath and haircut. I just don’t have the energy. The reptile room also needs spot-cleaning, but again, no energy.

How do you treat depression symptoms that neither meds nor behavioral therapy can touch anymore? I am still adamantly against ECT, so that will never be an option. What’s left?


That went by way too fast

She said some things and I wanted to ask what she meant by them, but I couldn’t. And I wasn’t able to really say what I wanted to… shit. This sucks. And now we are done. And that’s it. So this is weird. And I don’t know if I can drive right now, so I’m just sitting in the parking lot. I needed to cry, but I didn’t let myself, and now I can’t because I don’t have tissues in the car, and I need to see if I want to be able to drive… shit. Yeah. This sucks… that went by way too fast.

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I ended up going to the beach down the road from her office. It took me a while to settle on actually getting out of the car, but I’m glad I did. I sat for a while and watched the water. I was also able to write out some of what I had wanted to say to her and post it on the blog I had for her. I left a message asking her to read it. Having been able to say more than what I had in session really helped lift the weight. It gave me the goodbye I desperately wanted to be able to express, and it brought closure on my end. I still wish it wasn’t goodbye, but at least it doesn’t feel as awful as it has when I left her office earlier. I’m sure I’ll cry about it again, and it won’t be all sunshine and rainbows, but at least this loss had closure.
I know why most therapists will not become friends with clients after termination, but I think I would have liked to hang out with De on that level. J would have been a fun friend also. I know I’m capable of that shift in relationship because I’ve done it before (actually still friends with my first therapist from high school, and we have a balanced friendship), but I also know that this one would have been awkward. I would feel the need to protect her from anything that could ever go wrong. I think today the transference switched from parental to sibling… maybe I’ll bump into her again before I move, maybe not, but I hope she does well in life.


The power of goodbye

The funny thing about logic is that it is not very convincing to our emotions when we feel so fearful of losing someone or something.

I keep trying to remind myself that sometimes emotions can drown out the logic… I think I’m driving De nuts with my incessant neediness and desperate bid to be reassured that she will not drop me before the move. I know I’m driving myself nuts (come to think of it, I don’t think she knows the half of the battles in my head about the fear of losing her too.  I think I’ve only actually mentioned it to her once, but torture myself regularly with it)… it’s funny how my head can blow things way out of proportion.

I’m also trying to convince myself to let J in on what she had meant to L and I over the past year. I never want to let people in for fear of rejection and more hurt, but I regret it every time. I know L wants to tell J how much she had meant to us, but I don’t know if I can articulate it well enough. It would make me want to cry, and I desperately hate crying. I hate being vulnerable. Like I wrote to De the other day, I either know how to be totally together, or totally needy and helpless. I have not found a middle-ground yet. Maybe opening up to J about what this loss feels like will be a good step? I don’t know for sure, but I do know that not saying a proper goodbye hurts more and longer than having closure. I think I will write that stuff down, and have L do the same, because we have a great way of avoiding things with J, and she tends to go along for the ride. Since next week will be our last session, I want to make sure we don’t miss the opportunity to say goodbye. It will suck, but I know it needs to happen. I wish I still had that article written by an old mentor’s husband on the importance of proper termination in therapy, and proper closure in relationships in general. He stressed the importance of saying “goodbye” even if you would see the person or place again, because it would not be under the same circumstances. Dr J made a huge thing about saying goodbye to people and places upon graduation. She stressed to her interns the importance of termination in therapy. I think that needs to be stressed everywhere. Too many people avoid goodbyes because they are painful in the moment. They forget that the pain then intensifies as time goes on because closure was denied… if I could go back and get closure to every significant relationship that was denied it, today’s pain would be less. It doesn’t negate the loss, but it cushions it. To this day I regret not having a proper goodbye with both my aunt and uncle. I regret not having a goodbye with my high school best friend. I regret not having it with my college roommates and friends. I regret pushing people away because it hurt too much in the moment.  Maybe what I need to ask for from De is not a promise not to leave before my move, but the promise to get a proper goodbye whenever that may be… I asked for it once when I worried that I would be too unstable to continue with her and she had said yes. I think I just need reassurance that I’ll get one before we end no matter when that is.


Conflicted (and clearly not sleeping yet)

I don’t know what to say about World Suicide Prevention Day.  All this week is dedicated to suicide prevention. I’m totally conflicted by it.  While my training and my compassion triggers an automatic “don’t do it, lets figure things out” response, my personal experiences say “it’s ok to let go and move on from the torture”.  It is torture.  While I do definitely love my life (pterapotemous), I also definitely hate being in my head. Nothing makes it better for long.  The battle is always and will always be as long as I’m alive… so that tired part of me says “ok, just be gentle with yourself.  You deserve that much”… I would take away your pain of I could.  I would make life easier for you if I could.  But don’t force me to keep fighting when I’m just so tired…

So yeah, suicide prevention gets me all sorts of conflicted…


Remembering to breathe

Trying to not let the tension in the air get to me.  It’s difficult.  I forgot how negative of an environment this was… she’s always angry at something,  and the bad energy rubs off on everyone. Just have to remember to breathe.  It’s temporary and it will all be for the better.  There is a huge adjustment.  It doesn’t help that the wife is struggling with this change. Just keep breathing…