Seriously. The air is so oppressive sometimes… I wish it would smoother me. I wish something would alleviate the heaviness. I wanted to cry both on the way to journal class and on the way home. Tears escaped my eyes both times.
The only thing that helped once home was a poor hot sauce decision… it wasn’t totally intended that way, though I admit I put more of this really hot sauce on my dinner in hopes of self harming without causing visible damage. It certainly accomplished that. I’ve never had such an intense and painful reaction to hot sauce. I can normally handle really spicy stuff, but apparently this pushed my body to the limit. I had eaten a ghost pepper once on a dare and it barely tingled my tongue. This ghost pepper hot sauce though… I can’t even describe the pain. It was hot enough on my mouth, but that was relatively easily remedied with several spoonfuls of sour cream. A few minutes later though, my stomach felt like it was being dissolved from the inside. I actually got sick from it. I was doubled over on the bathroom floor for several minutes. I could barely crawl to the bedroom for the tums. I took one, but it made no difference. 2 more, still no relief… I think I took 5 total before I finally threw up. I curled back onto the floor willing my stomach to stop the pain. When I could finally stand again, I crawled to the couch and curled up. If I tried to straighten out, the burning and pain intensified. A few seconds later, the tums wore off. I actually then resorted to drinking a glass of milk (I HATE milk. I think it’s gross to drink, and will only use it to wet my cereal, or to cook with). My stomach finally started to slow is death rolls…
I wanted acceptable pain tonight, and boy did I ever get it. 4 hours, 5 tums, a glass of milk, 1/2 cup of sour cream, and a prescription acid reducer later there’s still burning. That might have been some of the worst physical pain I’ve felt yet. I think I’m good.
It also worked to lift the depression a bit. I’m was no longer curled in a ball begging to die because of the emotional pain, I was doing it purely for the physical hurt.
I used to laugh at the concept of eating spicy food to curb self harm urges. I will no longer laugh at that thought. It definitely worked tonight. Holy cow. Prior to this, the worst reaction I had was to “Mayan Death” hot sauce. It felt as if I’d been kicked in the chest by a horse. And that was some decently hot sauce… this ghost pepper stuff though… ouch. It truly kicked my ass.
But again, I’m not crying and willing the universe to kill me already, so… yeah.
I didn’t get a decent pic of my journal background from the class tonight and I have since ruined it by trying a different technique. And now I have to wait at least 72 hours for the new paint to dry (pebeo’s oil based fantasy series)… oh well. Learning experience.
Anyway. Hope the hot sauce experience will continue to work on the depression tomorrow too. I was very close to following through on a call to TM’s agency’s crisis line… I really don’t want to do that, so I’m glad this helped…