So… yeah.

Getting referred out because TM can’t provide the added support I need right now. Can’t keep seeing her because it would be a “duplication of services”…

I know I need it. I know I was probably going to bring it up again if she hadn’t, but I didn’t want to have to say goodbye quite yet. We only had 4 more sessions left (or maybe now it would have been 3?)…

It still sucks.

Not quite sure how to process all this. As long as I was still able to make it just seeing her weekly, I could talk myself out of my own hopelessness a bit. Now? I can’t turn off the tape that says she believes I’m as hopeless as I think I am. I can’t pull away from thinking that things will never get better because I always pathetically fall back to this.

I used to be functional. I used to have a life and a career and some friends… it all feels fake and so far away. The move that is supposed to happen at the end of next month feels impossible. There’s nothing that works to make any of this better.

It’s too much effort, so I melt into this really pathetic, useless, fucked-up up puddle.


2 responses to “

  • S.G

    I really wish you could get some stability in terms of therapy. It’s so awful to be suffering and not get what you need. BUT I’m going to give some tough love here and say PLEASE stop talking to yourself in such negative terms. You are not pathetic, you are not useless or hopeless. You fight every day and that’s an achievement. You try to get yourself help despite the fact there’s so little out there, that’s braver than most people! Keep fighting, you’re doing better than you think!

    • Samantha Jane

      grrr… can I just say grr? you’re right, but still 😛 (significantly better mood today, though still feel all of the above).

      I hope some day I find stable therapy. If this whole move goes through, maybe then? Though the place I looked into (a former employer… weirdness!) would likely not be one to provide a stable therapy setting. I want to look at private practice clinicians, but I will need to be up there first & know what kind of insurance I will have. I really want Dr C back, but I believe she is retiring soon, so that won’t work out. :sigh: Maybe she’ll have a lead though.

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