Therapy update

Met with T for the first time yesterday. She seems nice enough. I got the sense that she may have been nervous, but I may be projecting. I certainly was nervous. I ended up stumbling over my words and getting stuck unable to speak. Suddenly everything I had written as a goal sounded stupid to me. I only read her about 2 of the 6 or so I had come up with. I couldn’t read the rest because I couldn’t bring myself to talk about the body memories in that much detail (most of them related to the body memories and flashbacks in some way)… she didn’t ask specifics about the self harm, so I didn’t give her any (it’s all in De’s notes anyway, so I’m sure she knows or can find out pretty easily).
As I walked out, I noticed the art I had done for their display last April was up on the wall where two hallways t into each other. It freaked me out. I’m not sure why. I thought it was stupid and ugly and I totally freaked out… I feel bad now, because she said she’d take it down. I didn’t mean to freak out over it. It was just suddenly really weird and vulnerable to see it there. It made me feel naked and exposed to everyone that walked past it. 😦 I’ll have to apologize to her for freaking out…

Anyway, she had asked me to journal about the week and about any flashbacks or body memories or anything. She’s banking on me being better at writing than I was at speaking today (generally, I am)… got a jump on it tonight as I was writing a “response” to today’s session. It triggered flashbacks, and I just wrote about their content. Not sure I’ll be able to read it to her next week, but maybe I’ll just hand it to her if I can’t get the words out again.

I hope she’s ready for the mess that is me. She said she only started working there a few months ago, but she’s been in the field for over 16 years. I hope she knows what she’s doing. I don’t find her as easy to talk to as I remember De being, but my memory around the first session with De is likely tainted by the trust I developed towards her as time went on. T seems nice enough though. Her office has lots of stuff to look at, which is kinda nice and kinda intimidating all at once…

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4 responses to “Therapy update

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