Relentless

Today’s flashbacks are not stopping. I’ve been able to keep them bearable, but that’s slowly turning to unbearable. My body is sore, as if everything has happened again today, not just memories of it. This doesn’t happen often. Normally I’m only hurting during the worst of the flashback intensity. Tonight, it’s the whole time…
I’m running out of energy to deal with this in “healthy” ways. The benadryl isn’t helping me fall asleep, nor is it numbing my brain and body to the experience of the flashbacks.
I have that Taylor Swift song, safe & sound, on continuous repeat and it’s helping the panic and neediness a bit, but it’s not touching the flashbacks…
I tried connecting to the crisis chats for over 2 hours tonight. They must have super-high volume because the line was always 16-35 people, and I was always timed-out before I got to the front of it. I guess I could call the hotline at TM’s agency, but it’s so difficult to speak on the phone, let alone to someone I don’t know…
But my body is vibrating and sore from all this today. I need it to stop already somehow… 😦

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