Anxiety

It’s building. I feel like I’ve done something wrong, and I’m about to get in trouble for it. I see the new therapist tomorrow, and I’m terrified she will yell at me. I know there’s no basis for this fear, yet I can’t escape it. Maybe it’s the subject matter that will be brought up. Maybe there’s a fear of being judged for it. Maybe it has something to do with going back to a place where I was supposed to have “completed the program” so there’s failure in going back? I really don’t know, but I’m freaking out. Distraction is not working. Rationalizing through the fear and concluding that is it baseless is not helping. Actively working on my breathing is not working.
I cleaned the cat room a bit, but even that physical work didn’t discharge the anxiety.
I showered after and just couldn’t feel clean. I scrubbed my whole body three times before I could contemplate turning off the water… I still feel gross, but I know it’s in my head at this point.
I need tomorrow’s appointment to come already so the outside authority that would know if I’m in trouble can voice whether or not I am…
I’m reacting to the concept of seeing T tomorrow like I had to TL when she triggered old stuff. Maybe it wasn’t just TL. Maybe it’s more about the contents of these body memories and flashbacks…

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6 responses to “Anxiety

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