just lost

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so lost. I don’t know how to ask for what I need, or even what I need… I thought I asked for more help, but apparently that came out as “it’s ok to go more than a week between sessions…”

Of course, there are no real options for additional help here. I’m limited. I know what I don’t need, but I don’t necessarily know what I do need. There’s this vague idea in my head that more intensive therapy would help, but there’s no way to access it, or any place nearby that I could afford… It’s so frustrating.

I feel totally alone right now (I know I’m not, but I don’t know how to reach out, or what to ask for, or even why I should be asking anything at all). I don’t want to do any of this anymore. I’m so tired. Nothing ever gets better for long. The things that are the most popular suggestions don’t work for me, everything else is nearly impossible to access.

I’ve had flashbacks that don’t go away for the past week… I don’t know anymore how to make them go away. I do the grounding, I do the coping skills off that stupid list, I try to breathe, I try to remind myself it’s just a memory… but nothing works.

I reach out, but apparently I’m reaching out to all the wrong people. none of this is worth it anymore. I’m so tired of struggling and getting nowhere. I’m tired of crashing. I’m just so tired of all of this. But there’s nothing to do. Nothing makes any meaningful changes… I’m just… done. I want it all done.

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