Minor updates (for consistency sake and my own record-keeping…)

The guy must have had more hours that day due to the holiday because he called around 2:30 to tell me that I was being assigned a therapist that day, and the therapist should be in contact within the week. I’m supposed to call him if that doesn’t happen… I had really hoped the therapist should have called before the holiday, but no luck. Hopefully they remember to call at all.

I got paid yesterday, so I went to an art journal workshop. It was totally worth it and a lot of fun. Sadly though, my check for the month is pretty much gone and I still have things to buy (like food) that likely won’t be happening. There are so many bills coming in, and so many people we owe money to, anything we get is gone in minutes. It really sucks.

I was supposed to go to two different cookout today, but the depression kicked my ass so I stayed home. I tried to do art, but I lost stream fast… I want to just listen to music and sleep. Yeah, that sounds nice (only had about 2 hours of sleep last night again). At least I didn’t burst into tears at the store today. That’s improvement (though if someone had talked to me at all, I probably would have)…

Anyway, that’s all… nothing to say, no energy. Don’t care right now.

A tad bit stressed

I’ve done it again; ignored something until it’s too late… now there really isn’t much of a choice. J’s fire that she’s been looking for is firmly lit. We will be moving back up north sooner than expected and under a lot more pressure. This sucks… I’m kicking myself for putting off the asking for help for this long. Now we just have to suck it up and move on. It looks like we will have to re-home two of our pups (one of mom’s and one of our’s), which is totally breaking my heart. I knew we wore out our welcome, but now it’s also our grace period. The house needs to be sold and we will be left with nothing to show for it but more debt. I just want to hide from everything right now (lot of good it’s done so far). Trying not to panic, but not sure how to make things happen. We either find roommates that can cover half the mortgage and stand living here, or we throw in the towel and lose what we have. Pretty shitty choices since I don’t think anyone would want to live here (too many critters, too much stress, too little space)…

ugh! forgot to put an f-ing title

I don’t know… I’m cranky.  I got cranky all of a sudden, and for no reason.

Yesterday, I wanted to cry, but had no idea why.  Today I am cranky on top of wanting to cry over the stupidest things. Again, no insight as to why.  I could guess at a whole host of reasons, but I won’t.   I just feel like drinking.  Only problem is, if I drink, I have to drink one fo the big beers we bought to review for the blog.  That means that I then have to write out a thoughtful synopsis of my opinion.  I have no desire to do that right now (damn my “d” key keeps not registering that I strike it as I write. GRRR!).

I don’t know.  I have all this stuff built up inside, and I managed to ignore it for a few short weeks.  Now I see De again tomorrow and it’s all tumbling back at me.  I have financial obligations I just cannot meet (my account is already in the negatives 4 days after I got paid… and the next pay check is not until Feb…  I am trying to sell off some unused reptile tanks in hopes of gaining some money for our trip at the end of this month, but everyone seems to change their mind at the last-minute.  So now I went through all that work of emptying the tanks only to have them consume valuable garage space (at least in the reptile room, they had their space and it wasn’t so awkward).  The body memories are coming back for no discernible reason.  They make me want to demolish myself to get rid of them.  It’s all just way too uncomfortable.  L made dinner tonight, but there was no meat-less sauce left, and I just wanted to cry.  Then I got all excited about a dessert my mom made only to find out she made it differently than she normally does.  I wanted to cry even more.  WTF?!  I’m not supposed to be so moody right now.

This just all sucks.  I have no access to that happier state right now where I can rationalize everything and make myself feel better… maybe I should try some art.

feeling so defeated…

ever have those times?… It just doesn’t feel like I can make forward strides at this moment… One thing goes really well, and 3 things fall apart… I just don’t know how to change it. I’m only going backwards. It sucks.

I got a call back from one of the clinicians to set me up in their system… turns out that the only clinician that is part of the non-profit piece is a guy… I have trouble enough talking to a female therapist, forget about trying to talk to a guy… The lady that called me back was really nice tho, and she gave me a ton of other options… I totally appreciate that she called back 3 times with different ideas… I just wish I had money so it wouldn’t matter… but I have no job, and even if anyone is calling me back at the moment, my phone is shut off because we didn’t have the cash for the bill… I’m using my mom’s phone to try to find someone to see… All the places I applied to work have my phone number, not hers… This sucks. I just want to ball up and cry and hide from the world. I’m trying so hard not to crack under all this pressure, but I don’t know how well I can keep that up… When I got off the phone with her the first time, my legs ached with the memory of a cut… those aches have just been getting stronger. The part of me that wants to give in is screaming so loud right now…