bit of anxiety

I have to admit, as relieved as I was to get the call yesterday from this new therapist, I’m starting to get a bit anxious over tonight’s appointment.  Will I be able to talk? Will I say what I need to (or communicate it in some way)? Will she really be nice, or as judgemental and scary as that one lady I interviewed with when I first moved back here – the one who wanted me committed based on my history alone?  Will I be misunderstood because I have such trouble articulating what I mean? Will she have patience for me as I struggle to say things “right” on the first try?

I keep reminding myself to breathe.  I’ve done this before, and even when things didn’t go great, I made it through each time.  I think part of my fear is rooted in my desperation for support at this time.  I feel hopelessly alone despite having my mom around, and my wife over the phone.  I worry about judgement from everyone, and I worry about worrying them.

I wrote out a huge list of stuff I wanted to make sure to tell this new clinician at some point. It was originally going to be a list of stuff to cover today, but it’s too big, too much.  I’m pretty sure I know how this first meeting will go in terms of what we cover.  The intake was pretty sparse, so I am sure she will want to fill in some gaps.  There will be the usual paperwork and confidentiality covered again.  Hopefully she will cover boundaries if I can’t ask about them (I worry a lot about crossing them, and I worry about being bothersome to people)… we won’t have time to cover everything, especially if I get off-track with something (I’m really good at changing topics when something makes me nervous or ashamed). I think I should probably warn her about that, and the huge amounts of shame around everything…

Ok, breathe. It will be ok.  And if I don’t click with her, it’s not the end of the world (even if it feels like it)…

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