Tag Archives: wreck this journal

the mask of distance (aka: WTJ progress)

So, for the last few days, thing have been relatively calm in my head. This is a good thing. I finally started practicing my art again.

 
20140820_191145_zps9b9oixm0I’ve done a few pages in my WTJ. I disliked the way the “Shrub This Page” came out, so I got some tips on using colored pencils effectively and tried my hand it at again. I think colored pencils have great potential, and I have seen some amazing work done with pencils, so the Knight was pretty disappointing (though better than most things I have done in colored pencil to date). I will be going back over him later, but first I wanted to try it on a smaller scale…

 
20140822_162741_zpsdgjuv0qwI colored in the lips and pen cap from the “Write with the pen in your mouth” page. I guess it came out ok, but I still need practice. I also suck at teeth… and pens… but that just means I need more practice…  (The white on the lips and pen is gel pen though). There was no reference pic, so the highlights are off… This has been bugging me since I called it “done” but I am not sure how to fix it. ugh.

 

10628522_10152664962639892_2778590973427399790_nI also did work on “This page is a sign. What do you want it to say?” I re-did the message “I’m still learning” I thought it was appropriate again on so many levels. I’m learning with myself, I’m learning with my art, I’m learning to trust others, I’m learning about life… I’m still learning…

On another note; tomorrow is my session with TL. I’m not sure if I will be able to tell her what I want to. I have it written out, but she always wants me to read the stuff I write out loud. I don’t think I will be able to do that tomorrow.  I hope she is ok with that… and I hope she doesn’t react the way I fear she will. I’m guessing she wouldn’t but the anxiety I have around it all is louder than the reason.

 


first (independant) creative venture in nearly 2 weeks!

Outside of the assignments tackled in the art journal workshops, I have been having a really difficult time with artist’s block lately. Something finally gave though! I was able to doodle away a bit in my wreck this journal.

IMG_20140819_155027_zpsrkrs4k7jIt was partially inspired by the fb post of the art a mom created out of her kid’s wall scribble, and part zentangle-type stuff. After doing the initial design in black, I decided to break out the gel pens again for some color. I think I like how it came out overall.

The prompt was “draw fat lines and thin”

 


more art – wtj: throw something (Arrow)

Today was rough. The body memories came back again with a vengeance early in the morning. That left me feeling very small and vulnerable. To help get out of it, I thought I would try my hand at art again. I couldn’t come up with something overly expressive, so I figured I would work on my Wreck This Journal. I finally got around to finishing the “throw something” page.

I have had the idea of doing Arrow on the left side since I did the original bulls-eye with the arrow on it, I just never had the motivation or courage to try the drawing. Today I sucked it up and just painted away. I’m not totally happy with it, but I think it’s ok enough. I also posted it on the Arrow page on fb. I know I’m a lesbian and all, but Stephen Amell is one of my man-crushes (Shemar Moore from Criminal Minds is the other). Have you seen him do the herringbone pull-ups?! … and those “superhero workouts” Holy Shit that man is fit!! Total respect for that level of dedication and skill…

Anyway, here’s my homage to Arrow…

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Wtj: ugly draw

 

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Demons always win.


Updates to my Wreck This Journal

Still going at it little by little.  I should be doing other things, but sometimes a girl needs a distraction (and sometimes this is all I can muster)… These are not all the updates to date, but all I have pictures of at the moment.


Friday

I’m not quite sure what happened in session with De on Friday. She talked a lot. I colored a drawing I had done in my Wreck This Journal. I know she recognized something was up because at the end of session she asked what kind of space I was in. She wanted to know if I was more or less triggered than the beginning. I really didn’t figure out I was spacing until she asked about it. She wanted to see what I was coloring, and I didn’t want to show her at that moment. I rarely have issues showing her what I’m doing, but I guess I didn’t want to let her in right then. It was too raw, too close to the moment, too vulnerable. It was the only time she has ever leaned in without permission and I recoiled when she did that. She sat back and changed the topic. I changed what I was coloring. She then asked if she could see it later on, but I wasn’t sure.  After session, I wish she had asked to see it again. I would have shown her (I was removed enough from it by that time). I don’t really remember what else we talked about though (she talked about, I colored quietly for the most part I think. I don’t remember talking much). I think she validated my statement that I was in a weird space all week.  I think she was trying to have me be ok with it. I kinda wish she had asked more and talked less. I think I might have gotten someplace with stuff if she did that. I think she asked if I had made space to cry, but when I said no, she just launched into it being an important release and that I should try to make space for it. She acknowledged that it was difficult to do at home, blah, blah, blah… if she had left silence and space in session, I probably would have gotten around to it there, but it didn’t happen.
She talked more. I know there were points where I slowed in my coloring, and I just started doing very small lines of color, very controlled, but I don’t remember what she was talking at me about at that moment. I just made mental note that my coloring style changed. I don’t think she paused, though she might have asked me questions then, I really don’t remember. I guess I was pretty checked-out. I think this is the first time I regretted coloring during session. It was easier to check out, and she didn’t figure out what it was that I needed to talk about (I certainly have no memory of it now). I know there were a few points where I just couldn’t say anything because the only words that made it remotely close to my mouth were nowhere near the meaning I was looking for, so I didn’t say them. I wanted to, but the words were all wrong for my meaning. I think we had been talking about being kind to myself and my body. I wanted to tell her that my concept and her concept of being kind are very different, but I didn’t know how to explain that. I couldn’t bring voice to the idea that hurt is kindness in my messed up little brain. Cutting is kindness. Being put into uncomfortable situations is kindness. Being forced into things is kindness. Pain is kindness. I didn’t know how to explain that, in that very moment, as much as I should know better, I couldn’t see beyond that line of thinking. I didn’t think I could handle her challenges to it at the time, so I stayed quiet. I tried to voice it a few times, but silence prevailed and all I could repeat was mumbled, half-uttered “I don’t know.” She continued talking on at me for most of the session. I know she had asked something about small steps towards something or other, but again, I’m not really sure what she was talking about. I knew at the time in that I understood her words, but I didn’t retain it past nodding at what she had said. There was also something about not necessarily getting to everything in the time we have left working together, but that we could at least get to something. Again, I didn’t retain what that something was.

It’s so frustrating not to remember. It happens more often then not again. It frustrates everyone around me, not only myself…

I think she also tried to point out the progress I had made, but I disagreed with her assessment. She said I’m better at communicating a lot more to her through writing. She said we got through a bunch of stuff, and she said my coping is much better than it had been when I first started seeing her. I know I was in a really bad space at the time, but I don’t see my progress in such leaps and bounds. I think it’s because I know I’ve pulled back into myself a lot including with her. My walls are up for everything and everyone. The thinking hasn’t really changed, but my presentation has. A huge fear of external consequences coupled with a lack of available help has me stuffing a lot. I guess I use art a ton more lately, so I guess that’s progress. But it doesn’t feel that big inside. It feels like I’m holding my breath with everything because I have to. Care down here sucks. Networking help sucks. There’s no additional support, so my survival instinct has kicked in. Falling apart is not an option unless I’m ok with falling completely to pieces and losing all hope of freedom or any right to have a say in my treatment. Fear and having no choice but to do stuff on my own forces that old thinking to kick in again. I can’t rely on anyone but myself. I guess that’s a good thing…

I really want to do some more graphic art, but I’m afraid it would be a trigger rather than a release at this time. So I’m sticking to tame subjects. And I’m just sitting here staring at the page with no results. Maybe tomorrow I can collage or something to get some of this out. It’s there under the surface. It has been for a few weeks, but I have not been able to safely look at it and get it onto paper.

I really wish we would have talked about that drawing this week. I know she is not a mind reader, but at the same time I didn’t know how to ask her to talk about it. I didn’t know how to start, or what to say, or even how to ask her to ask about it and push the subject. Sometimes it sucks when therapists take the safe road and avoid pushing the things we try to avoid (at least outwardly). I get the concept of meeting clients where they are at, and letting them direct how much they reveal or what they talk about, but sometimes I need a push because I’ll tiptoe around things to keep from making others uncomfortable, or out of embarrassment and trepidation… I wish I didn’t have to wait again until Friday. It’s so damn far away. And the weeks are creeping by.


Ugh.

Mood is not in a great place today and when I text J to see if we were still meeting today, she cancelled last-minute. That just makes me want to stay in bed.  The day is not off to a good start. Money issues, crappy mood, no therapy… I see De tomorrow, but it feels like forever away. We were supposed to save money, and we spent it all. We suck at this. I suck at this. And I have no motivation to try to find ways to make more right now.  L’s hours have been cut so much that her check was less than half of what it had been lately. That really screwed up our ability to meet our monthly needs, forget about saving. Ugh. Can I hide in bed all day (week, month, year)?

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