Tag Archives: pain

:sigh:

I thought maybe the pain was getting better a bit. Yesterday was a good day. I was able to move around and function with minimal pain. I didn’t need to take pain meds all day. It was so nice, I thought for a second that maybe whatever this muscular stuff was had started to go away…

Well, I was mistaken.

I woke in the middle of the night to cramping in both arms & both legs. I don’t think I slept more than a few hours because of the pain. There was no way to get comfortable. Heat didn’t help. Cool didn’t help. Stretching didn’t help…

I really hope that neurologist’s office calls soon, and that they have something that helps.

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Acute pain issues (in the past 5 weeks or so)

Waiting on medical referrals to go through is stressful. I just want to figure out why my extremities hurt so much & are getting weaker, and how to fix it… also, it would be nice to skip pain killers 24/7 so maybe I could function better once again?
It feels like someone’s inserted pegs into my bones and the muscles shred on them every time I move. Moderate pressure feels good for a few seconds, but then it turns to pain. Light touch and deep pressure both are painful. Movement hurts. Heat feels better for a bit, but then it becomes uncomfortable. Cold just hurts right from the start… I’m starting to have trouble with fine motor skills, especially gripping smaller objects like pens or keys (sucks when I try to do art or write… even the Swype function on my phone is painful). Stretching feels better only because it’s a different kind of pain than what happens when I’m resting or actively doing stuff…

I really hope this Neuro referral comes through quickly, I can get in to see someone, and they actually have answers for me. So far, it’s all been “I don’t know; your tests are all normal”

Driving is really painful so I’ve been relying on others for rides since Friday (it doesn’t help that I’m taking the medical mj constantly to keep the pain bearable. There’s no way I’m driving while taking it, or any other prescription pain meds they may try to give me). I drove myself to the urologist this morning because the weather made L too anxious to drive. I had trouble keeping the level of pain under wraps without the pot…

I’m really hoping for simple answers with easy remedies, and soon! My PCP’s office resent the referral today (Wednesday) after it was supposed to have been sent Friday.

I’m trying to no longer let my brain run away down “worst case scenerios” lines of thinking, but it’s difficult. The pain and impairment of function feels like it’s growing daily. I have to have some answers, or at least some relief, soon so I can continue my job at the kennel, keep going to therapy, maintain my independence, and take care of my family… I have to admit though, I’m super grateful today was a snow day. I worked yesterday and my whole body was exhausted and more painful. I’m not sure I can do the two days in a row right now. I might have to plan to spread my shifts out so I can recover between them.

Even now, my arms and legs feel as if they were burning and being stabbed and tightly bound all at once… it’s not excruciating as long as I can dissociate most of the pain… it’s starting to wear me down though, and I’m having more trouble distancing myself from the increasing symptoms… 😦


Art and life run parallel

Today, the orange and pink piece is very different. Drying dulled the colors. The gloss finish was too thick too fast and has cracked…

Fits the emotional experience… yesterday held promise of pretty. Today reveals the cracked, dark mess…

image


Homework

I’m supposed to work on loving my kid self. She wants me to use art to show my kid self being a care-free kid. She had originally said to show her being hugged or cuddled, but I’m nowhere near that point. The closest I can come right now is passing her Beary… it will have to do.

We were talking about childhood, and what it meant to get in trouble. I could only access the stuff I’ve known all along. The new memories didn’t make it to my descriptions. Another check in the “they’re fake” column…

But then there’s the stuff I feel in my body. It feels so real… check in the “they’re real” column.

I just don’t know…

I was mad at her today, though I’m not sure why. She didn’t do or say anything insulting or mean… but every time she brought up loving my inner kid or younger self, I just got more and more frustrated. I think I was stuck trying to convey how scary that would be, yet she kept insisting. The concept of (care-giver/person in power/parent/adult:kid) love and care is so messed up in my head. For some reason it translates to hurt and violation, and that’s all my inner kid could hear today. She didn’t hear that Dr C was advocating actual care, she heard am adult planning for her to be hurt…

One thing I never thought about, but which Dr C  brought up today: where does that hurt I dissociate from end up? She thinks some part of me is holding it but out of my awareness. I guess technically, self harm should hurt. It should trigger pain. Only I’ve stopped if it ever does… I’ve gotten so adept at dissociating pain that I don’t even know where the sensations end up being felt. It just feels like comfort to me… (it branched from a combination of trying to explain that care was confused with hurt; and that I hadn’t cut in a while now).

I dunno. Guess I will have to think about that one some more. She seems to believe the pain had to go somewhere. I’ve never given it much thought. I’m certainly not aware of carrying it around.


quote – on the other side of pain…

β€œOn the other side of pain, there is still love.” – Madeleine L’Engle


o_O

This move is so anxiety-inducing… and then the decision around whether or not the anxiety and depression warrant a check-in call to TM today is anxiety-inducing. I think I will ask that it’s either scheduled, or that there isn’t a call expected, but that it be decided before I leave session either way. I’m leaning towards “I’ll call and leave you a message if I need to” but not set a day and time for a check-in call that may or may not happen. Having to make that decision (even though she said either choice would be ok) is worse than having to make a decision to simply leave her a message. I keep landing on the side of “this isn’t important enough to warrant a check-in”. It feels like a check-in would only be ok if it was something hugely impossible to get through (kinda like last week). This week is difficult, but not as bad as last week…

The depression is still really bad, but it’s manageable at the moment. Going out for a bit yesterday helped (so did that nap). The flashbacks are once again just “background noise” in my body. Though I would love to get them to stop completely, as well as this newer pain that comes with them, I don’t think it’s enough to bug her today… I can still change my mind for the next 2.5 hours, but at this point, I’m settling on “not gonna be annoying and needy”.

On another note, I don’t know why I thought that the happy memories timeline would be emotionally easier than the aversive memories one. There’s no real emotion attached to the happy memories, but they trigger more aversive memories that are connected to them in one way or another. Those negative memories definitely come with some serious emotions. :/

I keep telling myself I need to handle all this differently. I need to not be so triggered by it. I need to be able to deal with it without contacting TM. And then I cycle around to wondering what use trying to deal with all this is with only a few sessions left. I want to hide and put up walls and push TM away (or, push myself away). I don’t want to feel a need to talk to her about anything. I don’t want to find myself looking to her for support. I don’t want to feel like she is a safe person. I don’t want to trust her. I want to be able to walk away without looking back. I’m trying to prepare for this loss that will be huge when it shouldn’t be… Attachment and trust and safety are sticky and messy things for me. I’m not sure how to navigate them as easily as I should. It plants a lump squarely in my throat, and a huge weight into my chest.

The other day I had a lightbulb moment around why I cling so desperately to anyone I care about right before an immanent ending. I’m not really sure why didn’t realize this sooner. I was journaling when it suddenly jumped out of the screen at me: I pulled away from my aunt before she died. I didn’t spend much time with her in that last year she was sick. It was hard. She was cranky and mean from the chemo. I didn’t want to be around that, so I stopped going to see her. I stopped spending time with her. She was one of my favorite people, and I abandoned her because I couldn’t handle her being sick. Then one day, my parents tell me I should go see her because “she doesn’t have much time left”… I think I might have seen her 2 or 3 more times before she lost consciousness in her final week. Then the hospice nurse told us she was likely going to pass that night. Her body was giving up, it was out of fight. She was out of fight. So we spent several hours with her. We would talk to her, and hold her hand. And then it got late, so my mom, brother, and I left. She died later that night…

I felt cheated. And I was angry at myself for not having been there for her. I was mad that I had let my fear and anxiety win to push me away from “my other mother”… I think because of that regret, my reflex is to cling desperately to any relationship right before it’s over. Be it romantic or therapeutic, if I know it’s ending, I become annoying and needy and ever-present… I’m trying not to do that with TM. The only alternate though seems to be building huge walls and lots of distance. It’s another thing I can’t find a middle-ground with. I don’t know how to take an impending loss and not feel giant emotions around it. It was easy to recognize in the termination timing with De, but it’s been harder to put together when it wasn’t so obviously entangled. With De, termination came 6 days before the anniversary of K’s death. I would trip up and use K’s name with her. It was painfully obvious much of the gravity of emotion came from the first loss (and from the coinciding anniversary of my first suicide attempt, thought that came 13 years after K’s death)… Other losses have felt as huge, but never were that easy to put together. I’m not sure what prompted me connecting the dots with the impending loss of TM, but it finally clicked. I am well aware that most of the emotions going on right now are transference. Yes, I will miss TM. It was a good fit for the most part. I know though, that most of my issues with loss go further back… I know losing people I trust and feel safe with just picks at an old wound that never truly healed. 😦


Hesitation around Tuesday

I find myself looking forward to finally being able to speak to TM again, but also not holding out hope for it to actually happen. Part of me is worried either she will cancel again last-minute, or my back will still be hurting too much to make the drive and sit for an hour… I tried to go out yesterday and even a 5 minute drive hurt so badly that I turned around and came home.

I’m not sure at this point I even know what to talk about with her. I think I need to find a box of crayons and just plan on coloring. I need to figure this trust thing out with her, because right now there isn’t much. I’m not trusting there will be any consistency in our sessions, I’m not trusting that we will accomplish any of the goals I went in there with, I’m not trusting she hasn’t shoved me into a diagnosis box… I’m also not trusting that I will open up to her, or want to talk much about anything of substance. I’m not trusting that I will be able to come out from behind my walls far enough or long enough to make any of this work. She says I have disengaged from therapy, but it’s not only that; I’ve disengaged from myself. It’s still been forever since I’ve done any art (besides the journal class this past week, and even that was a struggle). There’s no connection to my emotions. It’s all nicely sealed away. Even the flashbacks are only playing out behind a wall. I get snippets of them in dreams, I get a sense that they are occurring in the back of my head, but nothing is coming forward except vague body sensations. I feel very disconnected from everything right now.

Maybe it’s better that way? Maybe it’s safer to go through the days without any connection to anything. I have no energy, but I’m also not thinking. My body doesn’t want to do anything; my brain doesn’t want to do anything. Maybe this is ok? Maybe when I go in Tuesday, I will keep the detachment and be able to tell her about the things she wants to know without drifting further?

I dunno…