Tag Archives: bad mood

merry f*cking christmas

I woke up and checked my fb. Scrolling down, 2 of my friends had wished everyone a “merry christmas”… for a second I panicked: I thought I had lost more time (last I knew, it was only the 22nd). I backed my phone up to check the date. phew! ok, only the 23rd still…

then the panic came again. the holiday is almost here…

I hate it. I hate the thought of christmas and everywhere being closed and annoying music and so many reminders that I’m nowhere near where I want to be with my life. I’m spending the holiday without my wife (I miss her a lot). I can’t afford presents or entertainment or food I would like to eat that day… I don’t want to think about another year gone with mostly struggles to show for it. I have not learned responsibility yet. I haven’t learned how to move through all the baggage I can’t seem to put down. I can’t snap out of this depression vortex…

I want out. I’m tired. I don’t want to spend every day fighting tears or self-destructive thoughts. I don’t want to have to keep learning to trust someone just so that relationship can be lost in short order. I don’t want to remember the really shitty things I think I remember (the stories my brain attaches to the physical feelings that allows the emotional and physical memories to make sense, only they potentially shatter even the few shreds of happy memories from growing up)… I’m just done. I’m done begging for support and relief…

bed is calling. going to go hide under the blankets and blast music into my ears so I can forget this fucking stupid time of year and everything it shoves into my face… or maybe I’ll shower for the first time since seeing TL on Thursday, and head to the beach or the Everglades and forget what time of year it is (and going to stay off social media for a while)…


Balance

So, my mood had been super cranky these last two days in part due to my monthly friend. Today was filled with negativity and anger boiling under the surface. I had every intention of expressing that in my art, but the piece took on a life of its own (as they often do).

I started out with intentions of depicting struggles with self-destruction. I painted a basic black background and added a razor blade and some red designs. Some of my paint tubes had dried paint around the openings. When I pulled it off the tubes, I thought they looked either like little volcanoes or like bullet holes. I decided to add those to the piece also. I had tried some stamping with some liquid silver, but it didn’t work out well. I washed the whole thing over again with black… then I ended up covering that in the purple paint. I covered in the holes with more black, but still had no real idea what to do next.  I thought of making it like a cave and later drawing in a small figure in one of the dips.  I liked the idea of the interference paint, so I added that to the little “bullet holes”. Then I wanted to play with the liquid silver to see if I could “line” the black blobs. For some reason, after the first blob was outlined, I just wanted to do my swirls. I started putting them randomly around the black blobs. I still wasn’t sold on how “cute” the swirls looked, so I added some silver “line” to the bottom of the biggest blob on the left. I stepped back for a moment and was totally lost on the direction to take the painting.

wpid-img_20140804_182552.jpgAs I looked at it,  the blob with the two ends painted with the red interference looked like a cute bean or little baby. I decided to add eyes to it. Then I added eyes to the round blob, then the one leaning over…  Suddenly the little goddesses appeared out of each black blob. They needed little lips then, and they became kisses. After the kisses came the hearts, and it ended up feeling very happy and safe.

And that’s how this originally dark, angry painting morphed into a love-filled one… sometimes we need to just let the art take over and fill the need we don’t know is there…

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I had gone to a social group at the Pride Center after finishing the goddesses (on Friday TL had suggested I take down the info for several groups and consider attending one or more this week). I hadn’t intended to go back to the women’s group because it had been an uncomfortable experience when I had gone with L last year, but the goddesses had me feeling more positive and balanced.  It was a wholly different group of women for the most part, but there ended up being a really militant, aggressive woman in the group yet again (though this was her first time at this meeting). She and the group succeeded in making me uncomfortable yet again. I took off as soon as the group broke, and I again have no intention of ever returning.

wpid-20140804_232235.jpgAnyway, upon returning home, I was still pretty on-edge, so I sat to do more art.  I did a collage this time, and it was back to the usual darkness. What can I say, it’s where I am most comfortable these days…

 


Another first

For the first time I can remember, I’m resentful of therapy. I don’t want to go today. I don’t want to open up. I don’t want to trust her. I don’t want to do this… but then again, I don’t want to do anything right now, and I’m in a helluva bad mood this morning (no benadryl for the first time in a while, which meant no sleep, lots of anxiety, and a whole heap of resentment). Ugh.  Someone shoot me?


Feeling antsy tonight.  The dog had taken another turn for the worse. M will not entertain taking her to the vet so we could be with her, so I don’t want to go.  There’s no point in me being there to torture myself if I can’t sit with her when she goes.  So fuck that.

Couple’s therapy was weird. But like L pointed out, we only have two sessions left. So whatever to that too… at least I see De tomorrow (hope that goes better than stuff today).


Ugh.

Mood is not in a great place today and when I text J to see if we were still meeting today, she cancelled last-minute. That just makes me want to stay in bed.  The day is not off to a good start. Money issues, crappy mood, no therapy… I see De tomorrow, but it feels like forever away. We were supposed to save money, and we spent it all. We suck at this. I suck at this. And I have no motivation to try to find ways to make more right now.  L’s hours have been cut so much that her check was less than half of what it had been lately. That really screwed up our ability to meet our monthly needs, forget about saving. Ugh. Can I hide in bed all day (week, month, year)?

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