sorry I have not been around in a while. things have been very overwhelming, and I have not had the energy to censor what I write enough to make it ok for the blog.
On Tuesday I said goodbye to De. It was anti-climactic. I didn’t say all I had wanted to say to her in person, and when I left, it was the same as every other exit, only this time she didn’t say “see you in a few days” or “see you next week”. She just said “goodbye”. I really hate goodbyes. I hate the finality of it, and how it feels like a part of me is ripping out when it’s someone I have grown to trust. Of course, this goodbye has been infinitely more difficult than many other ones. It’s been compounded by other losses, by impending changes, and looming anniversaries. And it has become totally entangled in a 20-year-old loss that was apparently never sufficiently addressed. It still has not been addressed, nor will it necessarily be looked at any time soon. I had hoped not to have to find another therapist before the move, but I can’t be in this limbo state without support. I had gotten an intake at the agency we saw J though. That was 2 weeks ago. I called the intake coordinator on Wed of last week for an update. He had said that I was going to be assigned to someone that day, and they will call by the end of the following week. I wish I could have asked if it could be sooner than that time, but I was having enough time forming an acknowledgement of what he said that I didn’t feel like pushing my luck with being able to talk without crying again. I really need to connect with someone. I need to have that place where it’s ok to not be together all the time… and I need to process this loss and some of the stuff that came up right before I ended with De. I don’t necessarily want to process those memories with someone I will only be seeing for a few weeks, but they are nudging at me in my dreams. When I do manage to sleep, I wake anxious and in a sweat. I don’t remember my dreams, but I know they are frightening. My heart is still racing and I gasp awake. It’s really not a fun feeling.
In hopes of getting myself active this weekend, I had made some plans. The only thing I followed through on was the art journaling workshop on Thursday evening. It was really fun, and the place is amazing. I wish we had found it before making the decision to leave the state. Yesterday, I was supposed to hit up two separate BBQ’s for the 4th. One was over at one of L’s former co-worker’s place, the other was supposed to be with a childhood friend. I couldn’t stop crying yesterday though, so I opted out of both. My friend called me on it, but gave me a pass for the day. I have a feeling L may have called her and asked her to bug me about going out, because she had no reason not to belive I wasn’t feeling well yesterday… L denies it, but I dunno… she has done it in the past. Anyway, I stayed home from both. I tried to do something productive, but I couldn’t do anything. I stayed in bed for the night. Luckily, we live in a neighborhood of firework-happy households, so I caught a good portion of one neighbor’s display from my bed. I went outside to the back and just turned in circles watching all the other ones people were setting off. There was also the fireworks from 2 towns visible from the backyard, so I had a 360* fireworks spectacular. I know a lot of people with PTSD find this to be a really difficult time because of the noise. I guess I’m lucky that mine is not triggered by this. Start yelling around me or suddenly walk into a room and I will jump out of my skin, but set off fireworks and I will watch in awe…
Today was much the same lazing around, spent bouncing around from one un-started project to another, and generally being lost. I should have returned some of the stuff I purchased on Thursday and Friday, but I didn’t have the energy to go out. I fixed a bracelet I had strung wrong the first 3 times, and that took a good 2 hours. It pretty much wiped me out. I feel like a slacker, but I just don’t have the mental energy to do much. I’m hoping I will get myself out tomorrow to return that stuff, because I really should not have spent all our money. I also kinda want to go to a beach, but it’s weird by myself. I don’t like to just sit there, and it’s weird to just float out in the water by myself. At the same time, there’s no one I want to go there with. One of the MeetUp groups I am a part of will be heading out to a local clothing optional beach. I think I would have tried that if I was not so triggered these last few weeks. I would certainly wear clothes, but I don’t think I can handle seeing a bunch of man-parts everywhere around me (most of the people going are gay guys, as none of the lesbians in the group seem to be going). I know most of them will be baring all… I really wish they would have picked a clothed beach for this party.
Anyway, so I’ve been overwhelmed and sad and a hot mess, and simply without energy to read or write. I’m sorry. I hope it lightens soon and I can pay more attention to everyone. I really hope the new clinician calls in time to get me in next week for an appointment… I’m really feeling like I need to connect with someone on all this stuff. I don’t want to hit my breaking point again down here.
(and I really miss De disproportionately to the relationship we had. I know it’s blown up, and I know why, but it’s not making the break easier. L had said it was similar with J for her… I wish I had understood how it felt for her, because this really sucks, and I wasn’t a good wife around it all… :(…)