Tag Archives: back pain

Anxiety and stress in my body

I’ve had an “off” cardiac history for most of the time I can remember. I’ve seen cardiologists, worn monitors for varying times, but nothing ever gets recorded or noticed as problematic when they are actuality searching for things.

When I was hospitalized, tech’s were constantly either retaking my vitals, or sending a nurse in to check it.

My average resting heart rate runs about 95bpm (i believe the “normal” for women my age is somewhere significantly lower than that).

No one’s been able to give me a solid reason, though the more research i do into ptsd and trauma, the more i realize it’s likely that.

Anyway, this week’s average had been in the 120’s. My doctor noted it when i went in for having sent my back into spasms on Sunday, but quickly dismissed it a a result of the coffee i was finishing… i should have mentioned to her the “poprocks” in my chest several times this past week, but I’m no good at bringing up something other than what she’s focused on in the moment… it kinda feels like someone lit a sparkler or trick candle inside my chest. It lasts for a few minutes, then fades. It comes more frequently as my stress levels go up. It’s not bad though, since it normally feels like a flopping fish…

Anyway, no doctor is really sure what to do with it all. I’m finally figuring out it is highly correlated with my stress and anxiety levels. This week, not only was i pretty triggered, but i injured my back, and i was fighting off something that drained all my energy (though that energy drain seems to correlate much higher with my tachycardia, just not sure if one causes the other, or both are responses to something else)… it’s not really surprising my pulse has been really high all week (if it ever sustains at about 250bpm for more than a few minutes, I’ll take something).

Today’s therapy was highly emotionally taxing, as were the earlier flashbacks…

(I clearly had something else in mind to write, but i was interrupted, and now have long forgotten what it would be).


Space cadet 

I’ve been pushing my limits with my back a lot lately. It’s finally getting to the point of shifting from occasionally intense pain to constant moderate pain. I’m glad I had stated the process of getting a physical therapy referral from my doctor…

The constant pain has me spacier than usual, though it’s helping me not feel it as strongly as I’m sure it would otherwise be.

I’m also crankier… 😒😔

I hope the referral goes through asap and I can get this pain under control. Well, at least the back pain. Still gotta work on the gut pain (though I think I figured out that all started when I got a digestive tract infection after taking antibiotics for another infection. My insides just haven’t been the same since)… I’m a mess 🤕

reality is sinking in slowly

I managed some sorting and packing today. I only packed maybe 3 boxes, but there was a bunch more sorting happening. I now have 4 bags plus one box of donations…

My back had it though. I was going to continue, but it put its foot down. I stepped and tweaked something, so I came to have dinner and sit for the evening. It has since stopped twingeing.

I keep having moments of panic around this move. The dogs certainly are feeling anxious. Mom’s dog is incredibly antsy and hyper. The others are starting to pace. Crusher has not been through a move with me, but the other 3 have gone through several… I think mom is also feeling the reality of the move (It’s only like 2.5 weeks away! Que Daffy Duck-esque freak out). There’s just something different about her… I’m trying not to cry too often and too heavily over this. I’m afraid if I let go too much, I will fall completely to pieces. The loss is too compounded and too huge.

I’m also seeing the notation on my calendar that next week is it with TM… 😦 Fuck. I like her. She “gets” me. She’s been able to decode my communication relatively quickly, and she’s up-front about things… She has a way of blending the professional side with the broken side. As much as I’m psyched to be returning to Dr C, I’m sad to be leaving TM. ::sigh::

Ok, gotta do something else now because tears are about to flow uncontrollably. Stuffing in progress…

Did it.

I couldn’t sleep much from the anxiety, but I was able to drag myself to the farm. It was nice to be around the animals and it was nice to do something on a farm again. The people were friendly, but I didn’t have to interact too much except with the girl that was training me…

I was stupidly stubborn though. I worked to my normal physical exertion level despite still having nagging back pain. About half way through my duties, my back started aching and bending became much more difficult. By the time I finished, the only thing I could do comfortable was stand “at parade rest”.

Luckily, the drive home was significantly shorter than from my journal class. I managed to shower, and now am staring at my last muscle relaxer… time to put the brace back on, and learn to sleep like a horse (even laying down is really painful right now).

I wanted to go today to conquer the emotional wall. I was so focused on that, I forgot to take it easy and spare my back. Oops.

It was a good experience though. If I can stay focused on that aspect, and remember that I do enjoy it once there, maybe I can get past the anxiety of having to get myself there.

Also, I need to invest in muscle relaxers and a back brace that will help with the “heavy” lifting.

Here’s a picture of the donkey I worked with today. He was quite the stubborn one as well. We’re a good pair.


unintentional spillage (Updated with journal pic)

Went to my regular art journal class last night, and it ended up just being the teacher and I (I guess there was a glitch in the sign-up system that prevented people from registering). Anyway, we somehow got around to talking about therapy and mh issues. I guess she has a friend who is struggling, and was interested in hearing my experiences with stuff. She said she was at a loss for how to help her friend… I hadn’t intended on telling her the extent of the stuff I did, but I guess it was good, another person that may know a bit more about me. Now to see if TL’s statement about being “genuine” holds  true about attracting other genuine people.

I have yet to take a pic of the journal page I did, though I think it came out ok. It definitely needs more work, but that will have to wait. On my way out of the class, I turned to walk around the table and out the door when something in my back “clicked”. I didn’t lift anything or make any sudden movements, but my spine mis-aligned. It hurt pretty much immediately, but got much worse when I sat down to drive home. I’m not actually sure how I managed the whole 45-minute drive (stupid traffic). A few times I thought of pulling over and calling my mom to pick me up.  A few times tears spilled out of my eyes from the pain… I kept talking myself through the pain and reminding myself that I didn’t want to leave the car at the side of the highway. Luckily, the art teacher and I had also talked about chiropractors, so I text her for the number to hers.

This morning, I called around hoping someone would take my crappy insurance, but no one did. I had made an appointment with the art teacher’s chiro when I called them first thing, with the understanding that I would call shortly to cancel if I found someone who took my insurance. I kept the appointment with the first doc. He was nice enough, and talked a lot to me about a bunch of stuff I can’t really recall at the moment (all related to the injury, but I was in so much pain I have no real clue what he said). He did some tweaking, and I was able to sit in relative comfort on the way home from the appointment. I was told to keep from sitting or laying down too much as it aggravates the injury :/

:sigh: so yeah, I haven’t done much today but sleep from the muscle relaxers and pain meds. I promise, I will take a pic of the journal eventually. I’m guessing I should figure out if I can effectively start my volunteering this weekend, or if I should wait till next weekend. Caring for horses and mucking stalls might not be great for the back.

The journal is still a work in progress, but here is what I accomplished last night:



The title is about as functional as I feel right now. Took a muscle relaxer last night because my back froze up, and it’s still working on my head and body into today. When I move, it’s super-slow. When I think… well, I can’t really think right now. Very little gets translated from what’s in my head as pictures and half-formed thoughts.

I’ve been staring at the floor knowing I need to vacuum since I dragged myself out of bed around 9am (It’s now after 1pm). I keep thinking I need to pick up the dog toys and put them away, but that’s as far as I get. Then mom asked if I would vacuum… ugh. I know it needs to be done, but nothing is functioning very well right now. Just let me wait until I can move outside this fog…

I haven’t even grabbed my clean laundry out of the dryer yet. It’s relatively easy to move it from the dryer to the basket, but even that is too much at the moment…

I like that the muscle relaxer helps my back loosen up, but I hate the way I can’t function the following day… :/