what is this?

My emotions have been all over the place lately. I again woke to wanting to bawl my eyes out. I know my lack of real sleep probably has something to do with it. The insomnia is creeping back. I’ve only gotten around 5 hours a night for the past 3 or 4 nights. Even if I take something to help me sleep, I wake after about 5 hours of dreaming and poor sleep. :/ If I take something stronger for sleep, I’m still out of it the next day, but my quality of sleep has not improved.

I’m on a crazy scribble of an emotional rollercoaster. I cycle fast with no real triggers that I can identify. It feels like I’m going through all the possible options in a program without finding one I can settle on. It’s very frustrating.

My coping skills are not working well (or I’m not in a place to be able to allow myself to benefit from them). Writing feels circular and useless. My brain feels heavy and wet and useless. I look at art I want to do, even if it’s just copying a reference picture, and my brain shrinks back; “nope, not gonna do it. no”… I want to even just scribble, but judgement, frustration, and (fear?) take over. I’m stuck.

I can’t pay attention to anything. I can’t focus for very long. Even music feels overwhelming right now (though I continue to pump it through my headphones).

Ugh. Come on brain, body… figure your shit out already.

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