I’m not sure what’s going on with me.
I can’t sleep, but I don’t ever actually put on my music or meditations.
I’m exhausted, but I can’t slow down. I feel like I need to keep moving till I fix everything (not that I actually can. I just can’t seem to slow down). It’s very much like that feeling of running from something, except I don’t know what i’m running from. I don’t really have that impending seems of doom, just have to keep going.
I skipped out on therapy last week (quite possibly the first time ever), then needed to cancel yesterday’s session for lack of transportation… I miss the concept of it, but I’m not aware of any really pressing issues to talk about (or I’m avoiding them).
The insomnia is getting worse again. After a brief week of “normal” sleep, I’m back to not able to remain sleeping no matter how exhausted I feel. We went camping over the weekend and I think I got 3 or 4 hours of light, intermittent sleep. I was hoping to be able to get more Sunday night, but I was up most of that might also. Tonight, we came to bed around 11 and I was awake by 2:30… I’m approaching that point where the lack of sleep becomes a huge detriment to my mental health. I need to figure out how to get more hours in a night. My usual aids are not helping or being left untried. I’ve been trying to get myself to put on my music, but there’s something uncomfortable/scary/intimidating about not being able to hear what’s going on in the rest of the apartment. It feels like I need to be aware of any potential dangers. It’s different than the times I get terrified to go to bed. I’m not terrified now, just hyper-aware and feel a pressure to remain so… I need to stay awake “in case” (but don’t ask me what, because I’m not sure)…
I hope the car thing gets figured out soon. I think talking to Dr C about this might be a good idea. I need to figure out what i’m running from and what i’m worried about happening.
I really wish I could sleep. My brain is not shutting off. It’s like a constant buzz of white noise; I’m not consciously aware of any thoughts keeping me awake, but there’s a pressure to remain aware. It’s an emotional thing more than a cognitive thing…