After yesterday’s conversation with TM, my fear of going to bed returned last night. I couldn’t move off the couch until 4:30am. I managed a few hours though.
A friend passed on some meditations for kids (in looking for the Relax Kids website before I knew what it was called, I also stumbled upon Magical Meditations 4 Kids), and having them on repeat allowed me to get past the anxiety enough to walk to bed. I have to find a way to make the “reality checks” around my current safety help me with this. I tried so much last night to get over it: grounding, reality checks, trying to reach out to the crisis chats (super busy and lagging last night), distraction, music, talking to friends… finally the meditations worked.
I haven’t had to deal with this fear for several months. I thought I had moved past it, but it seems to be making a re-appearance… Another thing to address with TM (time to make a list for all this stuff so I don’t forget).
This fear has been with me on and off at various intensities for many years. I finally think I know why, but it doesn’t seem to make it easier to overcome. I am better able to reality-check around it. I’ve got a semblance of a reason why the fear is there. I know the monster I’m scared of, and I know what to try to tell myself to refute the fear, but it’s old and huge. The anxiety can take a choke-hold at night. But now I have a new tool for that toolbox: the meditations. I also have a video of L reading a book to one of the kids in the family. Hearing her voice and losing myself in the story helps also…