I’m feeling impatient and restless.
I feel like I’m trapped with no outlet…
I’m not sure what to do with myself.
I feel stuck.
Inside my head, I’m pacing like mad.
I think I might scream (a silent, wordless scream)
It’s a lot like the feeling of running from something, only I feel like I’m running in place…
There isn’t enough distraction here (here being at home, in my head, in the moment…)
I feel like a caged leopard who has given up on trying to escape and just wishes she could hide back up in the trees where it’s dark and safe.
Or not. That’s too dramatic. What I am feeling is much less dramatic than that. There’s no desperation or urgency. It’s flat. It’s resigned. It has no energy behind it.
I have no motivation. I have no energy. I had a bit this morning, but it has since left me. I’m torn between the urge to hide away and to seek out someone to sit with. I want to sit at the beach and watch the water, but that would require changing, then driving there, then walking to the water… I want it to be dark outside. I thought of calling someone, but I’m not really in the mood to talk, just sit. I’m searching for that proximity.
I think writing to De between sessions diminishes what we accomplish in session, so I’m trying out not writing this week. I had written something that night after our most recent appointment, but nothing since. I’m not sure I even want to cover that stuff this week. I think I will take in my art, and we can distract with that on Friday… It’s so far away. I feel so trapped in the house. It’s those imaginary bars my head has placed on the windows and doors. They always show up eventually. They are heavy and dark and strong, and they take away my desire to do anything (or maybe my lack of desire puts them there?).
I’m trying not to drift into depression again. I’m trying to have a schedule and social activities planned, but everything takes time and energy and money. I have the time, but not the money or the energy. Nothing is free here. Nothing is close. As much as I am not feeling social at the moment, I’m also not into being alone.
Reading through my “reader” (or trying to), I was struck with the thought “I can’t read all this. There’s just too much going on inside my head to allow any of this to sink in!” So I backed out of the reader. I want to read other people’s blogs when I can devote enough brain-power to absorb what they are saying… I don’t like skimming just to pick out the main points (what I see as the main points). I like to know that I can actually devote attention to soaking up all that is contained in the words (and between them).
My head is full and empty at the same time. I know I have thoughts and ideas bouncing around in there, but they are going at a break-neck speed (or way too slow) and I cannot grasp them. The more I try to focus on any one thing, the faster it escapes me. We are going on a mini-vacation in a few days. My head is working out the details because I want to make sure to show L all my favorite stops there. I know I need to re-do my drawing from the other day. I have to shower and get ready for the day (I still smell like wood-smoke from the fire pit last night). I want to listen to music and nap and… yeah. too much, but at the same time too slow to actually do anything. Part of me wants to talk to De more but I’m not sure why or about what. I think it’s just that I had gotten into a groove of seeing her on Fridays. I saw her yesterday though.
Anyway, my head is too full of things that spill over to really allow me to pay attention to any one thing at the moment. I can manage to be still in De’s office. I think I need to pull that out into the real world again. I need to be able to be still within myself. Don;t get me wrong, I’m not racing, but more of just overwhelmed with too much input (what’s the correct term for information coming from within? input doesn;t sound correct in this sense).
I’m at a loss. My boredom is kicking in high gear, and it’s that restless, insatiable boredom. No matter what I start doing, I get sick of it in a few minutes and feel the need to move on. I know it’s the depression messing with me. I can’t find anything that’s enjoyable and brings me some inner peace. I wanted to go to the reptile show this weekend, but I have no money (and I know it would be boring, as the shows around here are super-small and boring on a good day, forget a day when I’m restless and frustrated with myself). I want to go walking in the woods, but there are no woods here to speak of. I wish we had a fenced-in yard so I could take the dogs out with me to sit out back. It would be easier to do something different that way (only if I did it regularly, it wouldn’t be different then).
Part of me wants to work more on the herp room (cleaning the empty cages, re-arranging what I have, trying to sell some of the empty tanks, etc), but as soon as I walk in there, I get frustrated with the amount of work to be done. I quickly walk out again.
I hate this restlessness.
i. just. don’t. know.
I can’t sit still.
but I don’t want to do anything.
I just don;t enjoy things anymore. And everything makes me cranky. I’m bored and cranky and a total bitch. And my anxiety is rising over G coming to spend the rest of the week here starting tomorrow. I think that adds to my cranky bitchiness. I just don’t want to do anything… Except maybe some stuff that is frowned-upon…
Can we just miraculously get some money again and head out of the house for the next 3 days? I wish I had known sooner that he was coming, I would have not spent all our cash on other shit.
I hate myself. I hate that I react this way. I hate that I’m a bitch to the people I care about. I just hate everything about me. (And I hate that I want to shred my leg right now because I hate myself)… Does the cycle end?
I can’t find anything to occupy my head right now. I go to start an art project, but then change my mind. I want to go somewhere, but no idea where. I thought maybe the beach, but I have to be back here in 2 hours to pick my wife up from work. Maybe I will go walk around the mall? It’s boring as sin, but better than being restless here on the couch…