It’s weird…

For the second week in a row, I’ve only had an individual session this week. It’s kinda weird. For the last 6 months, I’ve had at least group on top of the individual session every week. Many of the weeks lately have also included a second individual session… it’s weird not having all that additional contact. I really miss going to group, and I miss the opportunity to touch base with Dr C again during the week. It’s weird having to carry what’s in my head for a full 7 days. I’m not in dier need of the extra contact, but to apply a concept TL had pointed out: why wouldn’t I miss someone/something I see/have weekly for the past several months?

I’ve been working, so I’ve been distracted, but I still look at my phone at about the time I should be leaving for group… I missed it so much today that I ended up texting Dr C during group to say I missed it  

I don’t think it helps that i’m feeling really exhausted with this new schedule. All the things I normally do to balance myself or relax have been pushed to the wayside. I haven’t done any art. I haven’t gone to group. I can’t focus on television much… I haven’t even paid much attention to the critters lately. I feel like all I’m doing is “going” until it’s time to go to bed. Even at that point, I feel pressure to get to sleep so I can get enough of it before I have to wake up and start again… I don’t know how L does it with her intense schedule. I can’t even remember how I had done it in the past…

I love this temp job. It’s super-fun and interesting. I’m just not adjusted to the schedule change yet. Sadly, it’ll probably be over before I can get used to it. Maybe I can talk to the boss and have her keep me in mind if they need help again down the line?

I dunno. I should probably get to bed now. I don’t have a good closing paragraph, sorry…

giant, huge, enormous walls

I managed to sit for 5 minutes today (at L’s insistence and with the help of a timer).  I could not stop my mind from racing and jumping and just generally running amuck to escape trying to be still.  This lack of “stillness” is causing huge walls to barricade me from any progress in therapy.  When I try to sit and just “rest” without thinking of a million and one things, my head resists, and I don’t end up with much effort put forth in changing that.  I think I have grown lazy.  I just don’t put much effort into anything anymore.  I do what I want, when I want, and without much regard to anyone else.  It’s messing with me & L, and I’m sure it’s messing with me & mom.  I need to take a step back.  I need to re-evaluate what I’m doing with my life.  I need to step up and return to volunteering (at least it forced me to do something).   I need to stop being so selfish and self-absorbed.  And I need to stop running from myself.  The world will not come tumbling down if I stop running from whatever it is I’m afraid of facing.  I have supports, and I have resources (albeit not the best ones) for extra support if needed.  I just need to stop and breathe.  I need to not only remind myself of this, but also put it into practice.  I think I have inadvertently given myself permission to slack off way too much.  Time to kick things into gear again and start working.  I not only have a ton of work to do in therapy, I have a ton of other things to do as well (art, animal care, cleaning…).  Just because I don’t currently hold a paying job does not mean I can allow myself to continue to be this dead-beat wife.  Get off your fat, lazy ass and do something already.  Take the dogs for walks, clean the house, find the missing cat, work on training, work on art, try to find a part-time job.  Get over yourself and DO something! (just don’t crumble, coz then you are truly worthless).

creatures of habit

Ever notice how a change in routine can make everything feel weird? I normally have therapy with D on Mondays. This week, it will be Tuesday. I see De on Wednesday. I have been used to seeing D again on Fridays, but this week an out-of-town friend will be coming that day, so all my therapy will be scrunched into 3 days, then nothing. I’m hoping my friend will not be more stress than positive times (ok, my ex is coming for the weekend… we are friends, but she is coming 1500mi to visit for the weekend. My wife and I spent a weekend at their house once a few years ago, but it had been driving distance at the time.  I was also in a better head-space). She tends to be critical of my mental health and how I am coping. Let’s hope she’s gentle this time around.
Anyway, I hope I can get back to see D next Monday, and figure out a schedule with De that will work.
I want to tackle everything with De at once, and I know she wants to take things slow. I think I may need to talk to her about that. I hope I can trust her. And I hope she can help me. I really need to figure all this out.

Anyway, this weird therapy schedule is throwing me off.  The only thing that hasn’t changed is that we see our couple’s therapist on Thursday… At least that will be consistent.

On a sad note, a huge reptile show will also be happening this weekend, and I just don’t have the money to attend.  We finally live close enough to drive up, but I don’t have the cash for the gas, the entry fee, or the supplies I would need… ::sad face:: Maybe Disability will come through with some miracle so I can not only pick up my car from the shop, but also make it to the show and get the stuff I need there.

I find myself bored and antsy… restless.  I’m watching TV, but can’t get into this second half of the episode.  I want to talk or walk or run or something but not sure what will help alleviate this feeling.  It’s frustrating yet familiar.  It’s anxiety.  I think I will try to walk the dogs after this episode.  If that doesn’t work, I will try my music, maybe some art.  If that doesn’t work (or happen), I will likely try to sleep.  I hate this restless feeling.  To top it off, my stomach has been a mess all week.  I’m beginning to think that it is part of the anxiety…