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Last night was another night of poor sleep.  Then I had my session with De bright and early.  I want to say “we” talked, but she did most of the talking.  She seemed very concerned with me getting into a routine that will help me “wind down” in hopes of avoiding the anxiety that seems to come every night,  I think I would have rather tried exploring where the anxiety comes from… She just said she pictured it as worries from the day, and worries about things I couldn’t do anything about at the moment.  (she didn’t bother to ask if I thought she was correct).  She wants me to schedule in “worry time” earlier in the day so that I can “get it out of the way” and hopefully not deal with it at night.  The thing is, I don’t think the worry is much about that stuff… I wish I knew what is actually was about, but I’m not feeling connected to the idea that it’s stuff I can identify right now (boredom, finances, etc). I think it has more to do with something else (it feels deeper than that stuff), but I can’t tell you exactly what, because I just don’t know.  I also told her I felt like I was running from something “brewing”, but we didn’t really get to explore that either…  I know I have been trying to help my wife express her concerns about the therapy process to her own therapist, but now I have to figure out how to do that with mine.  I would really appreciate being able to talk more.  I don’t necessarily need to immediately solve all these problems, but I want to explore them and figure out where they are coming from.  If I wanted suggestions on solving them, I could ask my mom…

Again this week I am left with a bunch of stuff I needed to talk about, but didn’t get to.  I feel like I say one sentence, and De talks about it for 20 minutes without giving me a chance to interrupt or give my thoughts on it.  She’s very behaviorally slanted, and it’s kinda making me nuts.  I just need to be able to address that with her… and the talking… I think the only person I know who talks more than her is my dad… not a good association there, lol!  I’m not getting what I need from therapy, and I need to be able to say as much.  I don’t know how though.  I don’t know how to tell people what I need because I am afraid they will be mad at me for disliking what the status quot is.  I miss D, because at least he would let me talk. And we figured out a way to communicate finally.  I don’t know how to do it with De.  I’m not sure I have the courage to ask her to speak less and listen more…. Even writing things down to bring with me is difficult.  I feel like I would get to the first point and then be stuck listening to her as she tries to solve it.  It’s not that I don’t want to solve the problem, and it’s not that she doesn’t offer up helpful info, it’s just that I sometimes need to get there a little more myself first.

The “worry time” allotted to today seems to not have made an impact.  My anxiety and moodiness are back again.  I even came willingly into the bedroom to escape the chaos in the living room, but it’s creeping up on me again.  Still running from something, and the pace seems to have picked-up a bit.  It’s nowhere near the break-neck speed I launch into before an immanent crash, but I know I’m hurrying out of something’s way (or trying to).  De had told me to tell her before I get to that immanent crash point.  Maybe I should have interjected that those come hard and fast after a point.  I think she is thinking it will happen over weeks…  I’m trying hard not to crash, but I have a feeling once it starts, it will literally happen overnight, It has in the past.  Ok, so that would have been a good thing to tell her… my bad.  Maybe next week we can bring that up.


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