Tag Archives: weakness

Some progress on the physical stuff (or, at least a direction to look in)

Saw the pcp on Tuesday.

L had the idea to make a comprehensive list of all the symptoms that have come up in the past year or so. It helped tremendously! We were able to give it to Dr. S, and she was able to get a better picture of things. She’s thinking that a lot of it can be related to a potential cervical vertebrae problem; we just have to figure out imaging. I have a chest piercing that had the radiology nurse really uncomfortable last time, enough that she said they would refuse to do further imaging from the waste up unless I had it removed… that would take a surgical procedure, and I’m just not interested in losing it forever if I can find another center that will do the imaging… so I’m waiting to hear back from her office about the next steps around that.

She’s also going to set up a referal for a second opinion on the neurology side of things, but I have to send her a copy of the neuropsych report so she can include it in the referral. I have that pulled together, just need to make it out to the post office to mail it.

I really hope something is figured out around this, and I hope there’s an easy, painless, non-invasive fix for it…

In the mean time, we are trying meloxicam for the pain… I took the first dose tonight, and I’m wired. The first 2 hours after I took it, I felt hyper, as if I’d taken an upper. I hope, if that’s one of the ways my body reacts to it, that it goes away soon. It actually helped the pain for those two hours, but it wore off quickly… it was the lowest dose though, so maybe a higher dose will help longer? I dunno, but it was nice to feel pain-free for those 2 hours or so.

So, we’re have some other things to look into. Hopefully one of them will yield answers.


Learning my new limits

As much as this muscular stuff has been getting better, it’s still here. I’m able to do more and function better, but I’m still bumping into my new limits on a regular basis.

Yesterday, we cleaned the apartment (it desperately needed it). We both took it slow, but both did quite a bit. By yesterday evening, I was feeling the effects.

I found I get pressure headaches from changing position often (bending and crouching to clean under furniture, or to move things around). This morning, I noticed it’s helped a bit if I put slight pressure at the base of my neck, pushing upwards.

My muscles are also cramping again. They are sore and tense.

So what am I doing today? Being stubborn and getting laundry done.

I’m sure I’ll be a lump for the rest of the day. Heck, I’d love to be a lump right now, “but I have shit to do, and an appointment on [Thursday]…” (ani difranco).

I finally managed to get to the lab on Monday at the proper time for them to send out my bloodwork for the specialized test the neurologist ordered. I also got a chance to look at the name of the test so I could look up more info about it; MuSK. I can’t remember exactly what it is, but it’s looking for specific antibodies that interfere with something or other, that then causes muscles to tire faster. (Great explanation, I know. But I just skimmed the info while at the lab, and can’t remember details right now). Anyway… yeah. It’s looking for indications of a disease called myesthesis gravis? Maybe that’s what it’s called? I dunno. Again, memory on specifics is sketchy, and I’m being lazy about looking it up.

So yeah, waiting on those results. I’m not sure if I should hope it’s that, or hope it’s still all just related to the OSDD. It would be nice to have some definitive answers, and a course of treatment (though there’s apparently no cure)…

Back to the grind now. Laundry will need to be folded, and then I’m back home for a few before jetting off to pick L up from work…


Scars remind us where we’ve been, they don’t have to dictate where we’re going. – David Rossi, Criminal Minds

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love.” – Washington Irving (Criminal Minds)

Depression sucks

Like you needed me to tell you that…
But anyway, today was a mess.  I got angry over stupid things that had not a lot to do with the moment.  I lashed out.  I wanted to cry (still do). There’s nothing that helps these crazy mood swings.  I hate them.

I’m frustrated with commitments and responsibilities (home and outside). I don’t want to do anything; I’d much rather hole myself up and hide away from the world.  Even as I write this, tears threaten to erupt from my eyes. There’s no reason for them; I just feel like crying.  I really hate crying.  Stray tears escape here and there, but actual, real crying sucks. I can’t breathe when my sinuses get so congested. And I can rarely really cry in front of another human being. Crying in front of others brings shame and fear and drama. No reason for crying is ever accepted as valid.  Tears are never welcome (and Skeletor will kill you).  Problems are never big enough to wear you down, because others have lived with them for years, and they have not broken like you have.  Nothing should ever be too much or overwhelming. Nothing should ever bring about tears or frustration.  It’s an awesome [sarcasm sign] double standard that you have always lived with.  You know it well.

There’s never an excuse for being weak or showing any signs of weakness (crying, depression, anger, frustration, despair, hopelessness).  You are certainly never allowed to take anything personally (translate that to being hurt by hurtful words, actions,  and sentiments). Anorexia and disordered eating are not allowed, but highly idealized.  Other negative coping skills are equally forbidden (though less idealized).  Heaven forbid you suggest something to another that has been dictated upon you by that other.  Never ask for anything that takes work (or attention, or effort, or thought) that is not already being expended.  Never suggest anything that may put another out, but be prepared to have to work like hell to keep others happy.  Remember: you are worth/worthy of nothing; they are worth/worthy of everything. You know nothing (forget that you have the education) but others know everything (again, note appropriate – or lack-there-of – education)…
Funny how loud and present these distorted lessons can be when everything internally is shot to shit.  Gotta love disordered f.o.o…