Hi there.

Sorry I’m so sporadic these days.

I guess depression is hitting a bit hard (though I struggle to see it as depression…). Dr C called it that (the tiredness, the lack of desire to do anything much, the intense draining from any social interaction…).

Been also dealing with some physical stuff, which I’m sure is a manifestation of whatever it is I’m not processing at the moment (Dr C says grief and emotions related to everything that happened in 2017)… she tried to go there a bit more today, but my brain is like a sieve, or a dry-erase board. I try to think about it or talk about it or art about it, but then everything goes blank. There’s a lot of brain fog going on… There’s also been a weird tingling/numbness in my face when I wake up. It has taken much of the day to lessen these past few days. I’m also super exhausted. I wake up only to fall back asleep after 30 minutes or so of being awake. It’s that dizzy-tired that I’ve gotten in the past when I was awake for 30 hours straight, only I haven’t been. I’ve napped more in the past 3 days than I have all year. My muscles still ache, and they still tire faster than I’m used to. Vertigo comes back in waves. I have trouble concentrating. Sometimes it makes driving difficult, especially when I find myself tired and in a fog (I probably should have had my friend drive home from the beach on Friday, but I wasn’t aware enough at the time, and she didn’t mention it… thinking back, I was pretty close to driving off the road a few times; I wish she had said something, or been more insistent if she did).

I was telling Dr C that I would go to the doctor for this if 1) I had some hope of validation, but I’m pretty sure they will tell me everything comes back “normal”; and 2) I didn’t already owe almost $800 in medical bills from the last round of visits back in March… in pretty sure they will tell me they can’t see me until it’s paid…

I’ve been nauseas too lately, but the pot helps. I’m not looking forward to the cost of re-upping my licence in September, but it’s such a helpful med.

I feel like I’ve done nothing but complain about baseless physical symptoms for the better part of this year… and looking back at social media, the shortness of breath, muscle aches, and tiredness started at least 2 years ago (maybe more).

I really wish there was some sort of validation for all this. I feel like I’m making it all up for some unknown reason since all the testing comes back normal… I resonated with the Netflix movie Brain On Fire when the girl kept going to the doctor, and all her tests kept coming back ok. At one point, they were going to move her to a psych hospital because all the testing showed normal functioning, but her family insisted the doctors keep looking for an answer (she was incapacitated by that point, totally catatonic and unable to communicate). One doctor finally tried something, and they figured out she had an autoimmune thing. That was after 2 months of being catatonic… I don’t want to go through anything even remotely like that (my symptoms are different from her’s, but with an equally undetectable source)… it’s kinda scary to think about.

I know part of it is likely at least exacerbated by the unresolved psychological stuff, but I hesitate to say it’s 100% that…

I dunno.

Anyway, that’s part of why I’ve been quiet; I spend a bunch of time sleeping or zoning. It’s also difficult to string cohesive thoughts together sometimes. I start to write, then I forget what it was I was going to say (autocorrect doesn’t help either. I’ll go back and try to proof it another day, only to be totally stumped by what autocorrect substitutes).

I guess I should go to bed. My head feels like it might explode… the new a/c doesn’t have a thermostat, so it just keeps running, which really dries out the air, and makes my sinuses feel like I’m battling an infection, though there’s no congestion. At least if i go to bed, I can hide under my pillow… it’s also more humid in there b/c of the reptiles (yes, we sleep in the same room as the snakes & lizards)…

Anyway, yeah. Sorry for the pointless post. Hope to be back reading and writing more regularly sometime soon.

Pieces, Ang.

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