That escalated quickly (in a good way)

So, I’ve been half-heartedly researching the idea of acquiring a service dog for years now. I think having one would be a good idea, especially with my current physical crap.

So, I casually threw a request out on fb yesterday, mostly asking basics like if anyone had leads on reputable organizations that train for mobility/assistance work & ptsd/psychiatric work.

A trainer friend responded.

We got to talking about what I was looking for in an s. d., thoughts on training my own, and where to look for prospects.

Before I knew it, we had a plan mostly together to find me a dog and begin training.

I didn’t exactly expect to move this fast, but the idea of having support and assistance in the form of a dog is relieving.

I really dislike bugging people for things. Having a trained service dog will mean I don’t have to make sure someone is with me to carry things, or to help open doors when I get fatigued, or to help me ground from flashbacks.

This is awesome! (Intimidating also, because I worry about my ability to be consistent, but my friend said she’ll be there to help)…

Now, to round up the cash for the dog, vet bills, and training…

Another friend has been bugging me to make her some play therapy figurines. She’s taking this opportunity to get me to follow through. She offered to cut me in on profits of any of the pieces I make to help raise money for this venture.

I’m also thinking of doing some smaller pieces of art to sell as a way to raise more money.

I seriouslly dislike the concept of handouts (it always feels like there are strings attached), so selling stuff to make cash will be a way of avoiding having to ask people to give me money…

Now, to figure out what to try to sell for a fundraiser. Thoughts?


more stupid triggers

I had a neoropsych assessment last week in hopes that it help point us in a direction for this weird physical stuff I’m experiencing.

During the assessment, the psychologist was flipping pages in a booklet, showing me pictures of stuff I needed to try to remember. At one point, I stated losing track of what the pictures were, and started focusing on her hand turning the pages, and what the paper sounded like. It wasn’t really a conscious thing, just my attention switching. The sound of the pages turning became the loudest thing in my head, and I couldn’t see anything but her hand. It only lasted a few seconds, but it was enough to trigger something. I started feeling body stuff in the middle of this test that shouldn’t be triggering or disturbing… She caught on that something was up, and I told her that her turning the pages were triggering for some reason I couldn’t pinpoint (and still really can’t). She continued with the testing, but let me turn the pages from then on.

It’s seriously the stupidest little things that hit me out of nowhere… wtf??

Some days I want to scream at the memories to leave me alone and let me continue on with my life.

Oh, so the preliminary results (mostly just from her knowing the general average results, without any real scoring yet) have my verbal memory functioning at “seriously impaired”. She suggested that it’s likely due to the medical marijuana, but since it’s the only real thing that helps the ptsd, to keep taking it. Overall, the verbal memory impairment is less problematic than the impairment from the symptoms it treats… this might be the one time I agree with the phrase “the benefits outweigh the side effects”.

Stupidest things are triggering

They tested the presidential alert thing this afternoon… i wish there was a way to block those things, but apparently it’s “mandatory”.

The cheeto is already triggering enough, I don’t need him forcing his way into my life when I work so hard to block him out. There’s so safe place. There’s no way to block it out…

It’s like G when we were growing up; even if you ran to your room to hide, or tried agreeing to get him to shut up, he kept going. He’d barge in even through locked doors, and keep yelling. You were forced to listen. There was no quick and safe way out. It’s the same with these stupid alerts; there’s no escape.

I’m sitting here trying to calm myself down, to remind myself it’s not G, but it’s not working so well…

I wish I knew how to root my phone so I could block that stuff from coming through.


It’s so weird to feel so split, like two people have control of the same car at the same time.

Went to group for the first time in a while. I’m petty sure nothing triggering was talked about, but I was so spacey when I left. It felt like two people were vying for control at the same time. They were both paying attention to different things, and i felt so split. I had two trains of thought overlapping each other, two ideas of what we were doing next… like kids fighting for the best seat in the car, and pushing each other back and forth. I was tired, and wanting to close my eyes, but I was also driving and shopping, and going to a job thing and going home. My attention felt very seperate, but I recognized it as all my own. I was in the past, but also the present, and the future. It was all so jumbled, like watching two tv screens and paying equal attention to both (but neither getting full attention)…

I don’t think I was stressed, so I’m really not sure where that all came from…

Hi there.

Sorry I’m so sporadic these days.

I guess depression is hitting a bit hard (though I struggle to see it as depression…). Dr C called it that (the tiredness, the lack of desire to do anything much, the intense draining from any social interaction…).

Been also dealing with some physical stuff, which I’m sure is a manifestation of whatever it is I’m not processing at the moment (Dr C says grief and emotions related to everything that happened in 2017)… she tried to go there a bit more today, but my brain is like a sieve, or a dry-erase board. I try to think about it or talk about it or art about it, but then everything goes blank. There’s a lot of brain fog going on… There’s also been a weird tingling/numbness in my face when I wake up. It has taken much of the day to lessen these past few days. I’m also super exhausted. I wake up only to fall back asleep after 30 minutes or so of being awake. It’s that dizzy-tired that I’ve gotten in the past when I was awake for 30 hours straight, only I haven’t been. I’ve napped more in the past 3 days than I have all year. My muscles still ache, and they still tire faster than I’m used to. Vertigo comes back in waves. I have trouble concentrating. Sometimes it makes driving difficult, especially when I find myself tired and in a fog (I probably should have had my friend drive home from the beach on Friday, but I wasn’t aware enough at the time, and she didn’t mention it… thinking back, I was pretty close to driving off the road a few times; I wish she had said something, or been more insistent if she did).

I was telling Dr C that I would go to the doctor for this if 1) I had some hope of validation, but I’m pretty sure they will tell me everything comes back “normal”; and 2) I didn’t already owe almost $800 in medical bills from the last round of visits back in March… in pretty sure they will tell me they can’t see me until it’s paid…

I’ve been nauseas too lately, but the pot helps. I’m not looking forward to the cost of re-upping my licence in September, but it’s such a helpful med.

I feel like I’ve done nothing but complain about baseless physical symptoms for the better part of this year… and looking back at social media, the shortness of breath, muscle aches, and tiredness started at least 2 years ago (maybe more).

I really wish there was some sort of validation for all this. I feel like I’m making it all up for some unknown reason since all the testing comes back normal… I resonated with the Netflix movie Brain On Fire when the girl kept going to the doctor, and all her tests kept coming back ok. At one point, they were going to move her to a psych hospital because all the testing showed normal functioning, but her family insisted the doctors keep looking for an answer (she was incapacitated by that point, totally catatonic and unable to communicate). One doctor finally tried something, and they figured out she had an autoimmune thing. That was after 2 months of being catatonic… I don’t want to go through anything even remotely like that (my symptoms are different from her’s, but with an equally undetectable source)… it’s kinda scary to think about.

I know part of it is likely at least exacerbated by the unresolved psychological stuff, but I hesitate to say it’s 100% that…

I dunno.

Anyway, that’s part of why I’ve been quiet; I spend a bunch of time sleeping or zoning. It’s also difficult to string cohesive thoughts together sometimes. I start to write, then I forget what it was I was going to say (autocorrect doesn’t help either. I’ll go back and try to proof it another day, only to be totally stumped by what autocorrect substitutes).

I guess I should go to bed. My head feels like it might explode… the new a/c doesn’t have a thermostat, so it just keeps running, which really dries out the air, and makes my sinuses feel like I’m battling an infection, though there’s no congestion. At least if i go to bed, I can hide under my pillow… it’s also more humid in there b/c of the reptiles (yes, we sleep in the same room as the snakes & lizards)…

Anyway, yeah. Sorry for the pointless post. Hope to be back reading and writing more regularly sometime soon.

Pieces, Ang.

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I guess whatever was stirred up last week, and later in session, is picking at other things outside of my awareness. I’ve been really cranky and short lately.

I had mentioned to Dr C that I could fill days talking about the stuff that comes up when we start to tackle the past. There’s no real feasible way to do that in person though (even in intensive settings, both the clinician and the client need time away from the heaviness). She suggested writing… I’m not a huge fan of physical books, as they are easy for anyone to pick up and read. We tossed around some ideas, and eventually settled on a mutually accessible file.

I voiced some reservations around it, mostly stemming from my experiences with both D and De around written communication. She was able to both hear my concerns, and address them in a way that made trying this again something I’m willing to do.

Anyway, I’ve not written much of anything yet, but the concept is ruffeling my internal feathers. Between my fears of it going sideways again, and worries about what might come up, I’m on edge. There’s still a lot of resistance to the concept, but there’s also a hope of moving forward too.

I dunno. We’ll see where it takes us.

In the mean time, I’m working on balancing myself and being aware of my reactions…

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weird moment

A friend I don’t see often came over yesterday. We chatted and hung out. She was over for a few hours. We ate, caught up, then she left.

As L and I were picking up afterwards, I had the weirdest experience. It suddenly felt like I was rushing back from somewhere. The thought “oh! I missed her…” echoed in my head; not missing her like I wish we did it more often (though I do), but getting there too late to have had a chance to sit with her… I knew she had been there, but I wasn’t present for it, except that I had been there… it was like part of me that really wanted to see her didn’t get home in time.

Dissociation and compartmentalization is such a weird experience.