constant triggers and a perpetual state of flashbacks…

Two years after this post, I am noticing the flashbacks are not as intense all of the time. I have habituated to the triggers to a degree. They are still easily accessed, and still difficult to ground from, but it’s not as much of a confusion of reality anymore (though after reading this post again I find myself slipping back into that feeling-state rather easily. I don’t mean to, it’s just that close to the surface still)…
I’ve certainly dealt with a lot here. Both L and I knew this move would be life-altering in some way, however neither of us knew exactly how. It’s proven to be life-altering on so many levels… L finally escaped the vortex of her draining big-box retail job to find something new. I faced more of the past than I even knew existed… It’s been an eye-opening experience. There’s still a lot to work out around it all though. It’s been over-all positive. I don’t mean the financial worries, the insane depression, the triggers, the flashbacks, or any of that stuff, but it has set both our lives’ onto an adjusted course. Had I not returned and been faced with all of this in a form of unintentional flooding, I don’t think I would have had the breakthroughs I did. I think I would have been struggling with faceless demons for a lot longer. At least now I know what I’m fighting. Now I know what to wade through to be able to come out on the other side…
As stressful as this was, I’m grateful for it. We met wonderful people, learned new things, went places we’ve never been… and I was reminded how much I love the beach ❤

both sides of the wall

In talking to D today, I finally found a way to describe what it feels like to live here again.  We were talking about what is different down here, and how I feel like I can’t ground effectively.  I likened it to lucid dreaming – where you know you are dreaming, but are also lost in the dream.  That’s what it feels like most days (almost always) to be back here.  I have snippets of the past constantly playing out in my head, be it emotions, sensations, or visual flashbacks, there’s always something there.  I am aware that it is memories of the past, but I can’t shake them.  I live alongside them daily.  I am at once 34 and much younger.  I remember sights, sounds, and smells.  I can feel the sensations in my body.  I can tell myself that they are the past.  I am aware that they…

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