As much as today’s season was triggering and evoked so much shame, it was also a relief to be able to communicate with Dr C about some of the stuff we covered. I wish I had been more present, and taken in more of what she was trying to say, but overall it was good.
It’s taking me a while to be fully present again afterwards. Being at work helps a bit. I’m pretty sure I would have cut had I been at home the rest of the day. As shameful as the cutting is, it also works to relieve some of the more difficult symptoms. I keep trying to remind myself that “cutting every once in a while is a stronger reinforce than doing it regularly”… I know the science behind Dr C’s statement. I understand the mechanisms of reinforcement… it’s just that the statement is so true. It’s already an ingrained thing. Habits are harder to break than build.