when therapy doesn’t follow your script

Had session today. it was difficult again at the end, but in a good way I guess. only TM seems to want to aim for covering “the interpersonal stuff” more so than the trauma details… She was under the impression that I had covered it in therapy before. Nope. I told her I hadn’t actually touched on any of it but the DuckBoy stuff, and that had only happened for the first, real time with De (I had mentioned the concept in passing to other T’s, but hadn’t looked at it until I started seeing De in 2013)… Unfortunately, this was at the end of the session that had already run long, and I was shutting down because of what we did talk about.

We still didn’t cover the narrative. We did talk about some of the fears around it, and some of the emotional content, but didn’t really talk about *it*. Fuck. Because I had kinda really needed to talk about it… Again, while the stuff we covered was important, I’m still carrying the anxiety of the narrative around for at least another week. She also kinda gave me the impression that we may not ever go over it. 😦 So much for asking her to help keep me on track with that stuff.

We were supposed to go back to the Tuesday thing next week, but she will be out of town. Thursday it is.

I don’t think it helps that I have been physically feeling like ass lately. I think it’s mostly stress and anxiety, but I went to the doctor anyway because my inhaler hasn’t been working. She said she couldn’t hear anything in my lungs, no wheezing or rasping. Good I guess, but it doesn’t explain the chest tightness and inability to breathe properly. It also doesn’t explain why I’m winded simply from walking around the house. She said to keep an eye on it and go back if it gets worse. It may be a flu thing brewing. I really don’t want to be sick right now, so I hope it’s just the cold snap we are having these past few days…

Anyway, I’m trying not to be too disappointed by therapy. I’m glad I talked to her about the stuff I did, but it qualifies as “getting distracted”. I’m not sure I know how to keep pushing for the trauma work. Part of me still really wants to cover it, but another part knows that to do so I would need more time and support. I guess I just need to be fine with whatever this turns out to be. And maybe I need to be ok with never actually disclosing details or talking about them (even if it would help the flashbacks subside)… I couldn’t ever communicate them when they started, why should that change now?