I printed out everything I want to take to TM with me tomorrow. I didn’t realize how long the trauma narrative was; it came out to 7 printed pages. The majority of it is one very shameful experience that wasn’t traumatic to me as much as it was for everyone around me. I am most nervous about talking to her about this. It’s a situation I did to myself. There’s no escaping the shame on this, and shame is a really difficult emotion for me.
The second part of it will be easier to address. It’s fueled more by anger than shame, so it’s “safer” to talk about (and while the reason that even occurred was my fault, the event itself was not)…
In recognition that these trauma narratives will be incredibly triggering, I will need to talk to TM about boundaries and neediness. It really helped being able to call her this week. It helped keep everything from spiraling out. I don’t want to wear her thin though. I don’t want to be bothersome or annoying or overly needy. One thing I tried to set up with De was a culture of “conversation, not crisis”… She had agreed it was a positive step, but I had a lot of trouble with it. I don’t know how to explain things well. There are things that I don’t think fit the definition of a crisis, but others do. I’m habituated to it, but it sets others off. So I want to try to come up with a plan with TM. I don’t want to be seen as a drama queen. I dislike that. I want to figure out how to communicate. I want to figure out how to be stable; and I want to get through this period of triggering and flashbacks. I want to process the junk in my head so I can move on with life. I miss being productive…
both sides of the wall 