a day ahead

Ever since Thursday afternoon, I have felt like it should be a day ahead of what it actually is.

Today feels like it should be Sunday…

I’m not totally sure why this is. I’m on pins and needles for Tuesday because I will get money again. I think I feel trapped without any cash. If I had money, I could go to the beach, or hang with friends, or buy food I’ve been craving…

Finances are a huge contributor to my depression…

And if it were Tuesday, I could try again with TM and hopefully settle the misunderstandings I think are going on.

And I could go out to dinner with my friends… I miss having social contact.

dusty tracks in front of rusted bars

I feel like a caged leopard who has given up on trying to escape and just wishes she could hide back up in the trees where it’s dark and safe.

Or not.  That’s too dramatic.  What I am feeling is much less dramatic than that.  There’s no desperation or urgency. It’s flat. It’s resigned. It has no energy behind it.

I have no motivation. I have no energy.  I had a bit this morning, but it has since left me.  I’m torn between the urge to hide away and to seek out someone to sit with. I want to sit at the beach and watch the water, but that would require changing, then driving there, then walking to the water…  I want it to be dark outside.  I thought of calling someone, but I’m not really in the mood to talk, just sit.  I’m searching for that proximity.

I think writing to De between sessions diminishes what we accomplish in session, so I’m trying out not writing this week.  I had written something that night after our most recent appointment, but nothing since.  I’m not sure I even want to cover that stuff this week.  I think I will take in my art, and we can distract with that on Friday… It’s so far away.  I feel so trapped in the house.  It’s those imaginary bars my head has placed on the windows and doors.  They always show up eventually.  They are heavy and dark and strong, and they take away my desire to do anything (or maybe my lack of desire puts them there?).

I’m trying not to drift into depression again.  I’m trying to have a schedule and social activities planned, but everything takes time and energy and money.  I have the time, but not the money or the energy.  Nothing is free here. Nothing is close. As much as I am not feeling social at the moment, I’m also not into being alone.

Ugh.

Mood is not in a great place today and when I text J to see if we were still meeting today, she cancelled last-minute. That just makes me want to stay in bed.  The day is not off to a good start. Money issues, crappy mood, no therapy… I see De tomorrow, but it feels like forever away. We were supposed to save money, and we spent it all. We suck at this. I suck at this. And I have no motivation to try to find ways to make more right now.  L’s hours have been cut so much that her check was less than half of what it had been lately. That really screwed up our ability to meet our monthly needs, forget about saving. Ugh. Can I hide in bed all day (week, month, year)?

so, this showed up in my drafts after I frantically searched yesterday to no avail… I guess it’s not as good as I had thought… If you care to read it, this is take one.

Not quite sure what to write, but I feel like I have not posted anything meaningful in my own words lately… Things are… um, I’m not sure.  Had some ups, but mostly downs or leveling out.

We were talking about something else in session this week, and De described this house as “screaming” every day, all day.  She used it in reference to the memories and triggers that are a daily reminder here.  She also meant it literally (no amount of saging the house seems to be able to lift the anger that exists here).  I have always pictured these two houses (I grew up just down the street, this house belonged to my aunt and uncle before they passed) with huge, heavy iron bars on the windows; not to keep anyone out, but that keeps me (us) trapped here.  It also traps all the negative energy. The house screams silently itself while those inside scream for real.  It’s angry and sad and tortured.  The dogs can feel this very palpable presence.  They all jump and start and fright at the slightest trigger. The cats seem miserable (4 have moved out and refused to return over the years, 2 live most of their time outside).  In all the years of having been away, I somehow forgot how much of a black hole this house is… I feel trapped again. L feels trapped again.  We need to change that somehow, but we are not sure how.

I’m still trying to work on that piece for De.  April is coming up fast.  I’m on “take 3” and I think I may finally like this one.  I got the girl to a point where I’m happy with the way she turned out.  I’m also liking the way I managed to paint the adult.  I just have to finish the adult’s arms, and the pieces she is picking up.  I was going to do a background, but I am not sure I will push my luck with this one.

sorry…

sorry I have not been around so much.  or reading.  or contributing. I find I do this less when I am more occupied with real life and less with my inner dialogue.  Have (no?) fear, I will be back more often.  I am trying to do more about my art, and to process some stuff with De (well, I hope to), then be able to write a bit about it.  I have to admit, I have been trapped in my head more today for a few reasons; #1 is that monthly emotional roller coaster that comes with being a woman. There’s something that has been on my mind that I would love to get more outside feedback on eventually, but I need to overcome the shame attached to it and be able to talk to De about it more before I do that.  In the mean time, keep an eye out for more art… and hopefully I will be able to pay more attention to everyone else too.  Sorry I havn’t been keeping up with you all… I suck…