I don’t know… I’m cranky. I got cranky all of a sudden, and for no reason.
Yesterday, I wanted to cry, but had no idea why. Today I am cranky on top of wanting to cry over the stupidest things. Again, no insight as to why. I could guess at a whole host of reasons, but I won’t. I just feel like drinking. Only problem is, if I drink, I have to drink one fo the big beers we bought to review for the blog. That means that I then have to write out a thoughtful synopsis of my opinion. I have no desire to do that right now (damn my “d” key keeps not registering that I strike it as I write. GRRR!).
I don’t know. I have all this stuff built up inside, and I managed to ignore it for a few short weeks. Now I see De again tomorrow and it’s all tumbling back at me. I have financial obligations I just cannot meet (my account is already in the negatives 4 days after I got paid… and the next pay check is not until Feb… I am trying to sell off some unused reptile tanks in hopes of gaining some money for our trip at the end of this month, but everyone seems to change their mind at the last-minute. So now I went through all that work of emptying the tanks only to have them consume valuable garage space (at least in the reptile room, they had their space and it wasn’t so awkward). The body memories are coming back for no discernible reason. They make me want to demolish myself to get rid of them. It’s all just way too uncomfortable. L made dinner tonight, but there was no meat-less sauce left, and I just wanted to cry. Then I got all excited about a dessert my mom made only to find out she made it differently than she normally does. I wanted to cry even more. WTF?! I’m not supposed to be so moody right now.
This just all sucks. I have no access to that happier state right now where I can rationalize everything and make myself feel better… maybe I should try some art.