Tag Archives: defeated

The moment you see it leave

I was telling L tonight how I hated that moment when another falls into my pit, and they also lose all hope. That defeated look haunts me… TM got it 2 sessions ago; that far-away stare that signifies she is at the end of her own resources with me…

L tried to ask if I’d seen it in her. At the moment I couldn’t think of a time, but now I worry I might have missed it.
I made her cry on the phone tonight. I hate that. She tried to tell me it was because she felt sad about how much I’m hurting… I still hate that I caused my wife yet more pain.

This blackness will never end, until it ends me… I just hope it’s soon…


feeling so defeated…

ever have those times?… It just doesn’t feel like I can make forward strides at this moment… One thing goes really well, and 3 things fall apart… I just don’t know how to change it. I’m only going backwards. It sucks.

I got a call back from one of the clinicians to set me up in their system… turns out that the only clinician that is part of the non-profit piece is a guy… I have trouble enough talking to a female therapist, forget about trying to talk to a guy… The lady that called me back was really nice tho, and she gave me a ton of other options… I totally appreciate that she called back 3 times with different ideas… I just wish I had money so it wouldn’t matter… but I have no job, and even if anyone is calling me back at the moment, my phone is shut off because we didn’t have the cash for the bill… I’m using my mom’s phone to try to find someone to see… All the places I applied to work have my phone number, not hers… This sucks. I just want to ball up and cry and hide from the world. I’m trying so hard not to crack under all this pressure, but I don’t know how well I can keep that up… When I got off the phone with her the first time, my legs ached with the memory of a cut… those aches have just been getting stronger. The part of me that wants to give in is screaming so loud right now…