My own little black rain cloud…

I’m realizing again and again what a strangle-hold my depression has on me. My motivation is dampened. Nothing excites or interests me. I just want to cry, hide, and cut.

I’ve been battling growing self-harm desires for the past 2 weeks. The distraction and putting it off is wearing me thin. I’m running out of ideas on useful distractions. It’s feeling again as if giving in will be my only relief… I know Dr C says we need to get at whatever is triggering the desire, but I can’t pinpoint it. Other than the depression (which is coming with a “fun” dose of insomnia), I’m not aware of anything. I know there has to be something there (because the desire to cut mimics body memories),but I don’t know what it is…

I see Dr C Monday. Just have to get through the weekend and maybe she can help me find some relief.

I feel like I need to cry, but again, no real reason (and the tears refuse to materialize without sufficient reason).

The wife is also struggling right now. Between work stress, lack of meaningful down-time, and feelings of worthlessness, she’s got a whole ton to be stressed about… I wish I could help support her better. I wish I could find something to help ease her pain :/

Also my concentration sucks. I started this 3 hours ago, but I keep getting distracted… guess it’s time to call it the end of the entry. Sorry if there was a point I hinted at but didn’t reach…

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2 responses to “My own little black rain cloud…

  • myblackspotblog

    Stick with it. The only way I stop myself cutting is through distraction and delay. My psych also suggested I reward myself for good behaviour. Sounds childish, but it actually works. If I get through the day without drinking or cutting, I let myself have a favourite chocolate bar or similar. I know it’s hard, I’m there too. And I don’t know exact triggers – I get sick of health pros telling me that’s the answer. Be kind to yourself. Try and have patience that things will change. I’m thinking of you x

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